The saxons

THE SAXONS

The Saxons were by all means a pretty decent bunch of people. Despite viciously killing the remaining population of Romans on arrival in Britain they eventually settled down into a quiet, tea drinking, buiscuit eating exsistence, and to be honest nobody really liked the Romans anyway!

It all started when the majority of the Romans left britain because they had failed to pay off a thier 1000 year mortgage, which they had secured through a prominent Roman estate agent (and used cart salesman) called Julius Caesar in the year 55 BC. Another contributing factor which added to the Roman leaving was that the empire and Rome itself was taking a beating from a group of Germanian pastry cheffs angered at the fact that they overheard a Roman general tell one of his cohorts that german pastry was made out of cardboard and horse hair and tasted like poop! which we all know is way off the mark, as it is made from mud and goats hair ( a subtle taste difference to the uninitiated ) and has a more musky dead goat kind off taste. Either way the empire was in trouble so they all buggered off and left britain practically empty.

Now back to the Saxons. The Saxons lived in long narrow house called ( non to imaginativly may i add ) longhouses, they were very dark and narrow and claustrophobia was often a problem and was often remidied by simply hitting people who were freaking out with heavy things to knock them unconscious, brutal yet effective. The Saxons loved nothing more than to sit around a roaring fire and recount heroic tales. Particular favourites were beowulf and the three little pigs. Despite thier typically brutish appearence the Saxons were very continental in thier habits. They liked nothing more than a light mediterranean salad dressing on thier staple diet of boar, sparrow and hedgehog. delicious!

The Saxons lived a happy prosperouse life in Britain and only really encountered one minor hicup in the form of a man called Arthur. Arthur was, to put it kindly, a bit simple. One day Arthur found a pair of paisly underpants which he thought were marvellous.He took them to show his (only) friend a local tramp called Martin the Tramp (again points for imagination!). Martin convinced young Arthur that the pants had magical powers and through them he would become the king of Britain, he told Arthur the pants would make him invisible and using them he can steal the Saxons kings pants and proclain himself king. If you hadnt allready guessed Martin in typical tramp fashion was less than sober. Arthur put on the ( not ) so magical invisibility pants and marched right round to the saxon kings house. The saxon king, king Enelbert Humpadink awoke, shocked and bemused to find a simple looking young man trying to prise his pants off while he slept! The Saxons were shocked but Engelbert (also known as the wise a lactose intolerant) came to the conclusion that this man was a total fruit cake. Engelbert told his men to ignore Arthur thus completely convincing him that the pants were magical and supplying Martin with hours of entertainment which he subsequently filmed, sent into youve been framed and received £250 for. Martin then changed his name to Merlin (he thought it sounded cooler) became a re formed drunk and followed his dream of being a succsefull chiildrens entertainer  even earning a spot on the royal variety performance at christmas.

After that little hick up the Saxon population in Britain rose until there were more Saxons than foreign  exchange students, honestly. Then a very sad thing happened King Engelbert died. Merlin hypnotised the king into thinking his pants were magical flying pants and the rest needs no moore elaboration but involved a tall building a flock of geese and a large bottle of tia maria! The kings nobles decided they would send his corpse off in style on a round the world cruise, everyone in the kingdom agreed this was a lovly idea. As part of the sending off, the now ever popular Merlin organised a fireworks display. Unfortunatly during the proceedings a rocket shot off and set fire to one of the ships sails burning the ship to the ground. With that Arthur appeared and told everyone how merlin had lied about his pants and that he got all his tricks from a promotion on the back of a cereal box. Bloomin cheat!