The Normans

THE NORMANS

The Normans have always been regarded as the snobs of the dark ages. It has been proven that Norman men would spend more time admiring themselves in front of a mirror than any other race that has exsisted in the history of the world, ever.

As you may have guesed from my opening paragraph the Normans were incredibly fashion concious. In most of medieval Europe women were hung for witchcraft and heresy but in Norman controlled territories they were put to death for wearing last seasons colours or donning a hat at an unfashionable angle, fashion heresy! The Normans were also incredibly hygeinic and were the first people to design a proper working toilet and not just stick their bottoms out of windows and do their business on passers heads. A favourite pass time of the Normans was a spot of tramp huunting. To some people ( 3 momentarily sober tramps) this was a cruel sport but pro tramp hunters ( namely everyone else ) would argue that it was necessary to keep tramp numbers down. The hunt would begin with giving a tramp, the old, mad, dirty wandering type were preferred, as much booze as his body could physically handle! Sometimes this could take up to 3 weeks before a more experienced tramp would be intoxicated enough to be hunted. The harder it was to get a tramp drunk the more prized a trophy he was. The hunter would then spin the tramp around 10 times, kick up the bottom and tell him he has 10 seconds to hide before he is shot with arrows and chased by big hungry dogs. Nice.

Just as everyone did at this time in history the Normans decided to invade England ( surprise, surprise). This was mainly because a Norman baron named William had beaten the king of England Harold at marbles. Unfortunatly for William the game was played in England and Harold being a sore loser denied it ever happened, had all witnesses put to death then went to his room and had a temper tantrum. William felt hurt and upset so being the sensitive soul he was, he decided to raise a huge army, invade england , kill harold, put his head on a stake and throw marbles in his open mouth all day. His plan was a succes! and by wednesday tea time he was sitting in buckingham palace throwing marbles into harolds decapitated head whilst similtainiously sipping earl grey and playing throw stick with the corgies.
To commemorate the occasion Williams grandma made him a lovely tapestry of everything that happened and gave it to him for christmas. William was less than amused as he had asked her and father christmas for a new sword and a nice set of golf clubs. William begrugingly accepted the tapestry and then gave it to some monks in exchange for some horse racing tips.

When the Normans took over everyone in England was relativly pleased as they felt their society was lacking a bit of continental chic and they were all sick of wearing bad tracksuits and eating mud. The only group who were bothered were the tramps who took to living on beaches pretending to be hermit crabs this was an effective deterant until the normans decided to start hunting hermit crabs as they move just like tramps but you dont feel as much guilt shooting arrows at them. After a while the hunting craze died down and the tramps returned to their rightfull habitats, outside off licences, motorway underpasses and hibernating in wheelie bins for the winter.

William would later become William the conkerer because in 1068 AD he paraded around the country stealing the biggest conkers in the land from small defencless children for his own collection. He would then illegally hard boil them and ( he could because he was the king and he made all the rules! ) beat all contenders in the annual royal archery, jousting, jam throwing , conkers and marble championships.