Madeira

MADEIRA

Madeira is the principal island of a small archipelago of six islands, which are all made out of freshly baked wholemeal bread. Only one of the other islands Porto Santo is inhabited. The other four islands are so hot and dry that the bread that forms their foundations has over the thousands of years turned into toast. We all know that nobody likes toast without butter and sadly the inhabitants of Madeira dont have enough cows to make enough butter to make these baron wastes inhabitable. Islanders claim that if you stay on one of these toast islands for too long it can get intolerably crumbyand itchy. Many boastfull men have attempted to brave the crumbiness, but after about 10 minutes have gone completely insane and started beleiving they were coconut trees. These courageous fools were last seen standing in one place for a few weeks and then dying of exposure.

In 1985 the population of Porto Santo was 3 people, a cow and a cat with three legs.unfortunatly things are not quite so business class and roomy on the main island of Madeira. In 1985 the population was 3 million people and 4 cows ( ! ). Overcrowding on the island is a major problem as the island is about the size of a small island or a large hillock. To combat the overcrowding the head of the island has designated every one 3 feet of land in which to live. This means everyone lives very close together and news gets around fast as well as strange and unpleasant diseases! Many of the inhabitants of Madeira ( actually about 2.5 million of them ) dont really benefit from the island heads revolutionary idea as the 500,000 who have a space on the island are the friends and ( minus his mother in law ) family of the head of the island. The remaining population live in the sea , the richer you are the shallower the water you live in, the poorest madeirans live up tp 25 miles off shore in upturned flat pack B&Q garden sheds.

Madeiras climate is one of the most unusual and scientifically noted in the world. There are wild fluctuations in temperature so the people never know what to wear on any given day. They have solved this by wearing nothing on one half of their bodies and wooley long johns on the other half. This may seem bizarre to an outsider at first but until you have been half naked and half covered in wooley long johns you really havnt lived.
All of the rain that occasioanally falls on the island falls on one spot, which in a crazy twist of fate is called "rainy corner". The only complaint that the madeiran weather committee ever receive is from a mister Tony Hardbottle who in another crazy twist of fate lives on rainy corner. The committee simply tell Mr Hardbottle that the weather is not under their control and he should blame god and the three legged cat that lives on Porto Santo for bad weather plaguing rainy corner. Mr Harbottle was last seen on Porto Santo posing as a veterinary surgeon and telling the 3 inhabitants that he was here to de worm the cat and would appreciate it if they could point him to its whereabouts, unfortunatly Mr hardbottle was not aware that the 3 inhabitants were all deaf and blind and last reports confirm that poor Mr Hard bottle was engaged in a 4 year long game of charades to obtain the lacation of the pesky rain making feline. Needless to say it is still rainig on rainy corner.