Boredom, hibernation and stupid animals

BOREDOM, HIBERNATION AND THE ARGUMENT WITH THE MIDGETS ABOUT THE WORLDS STUPIDEST ANIMAL.

Welcome to the fascinating world of boredom, well, not really fascinating because its boring, really boring. At this particular moment in time, history and space there are more things for people to do than ever before. A unique world of excitment and opportunities, so why am i so bloody bored? I think its hard to say, i mean, there are a multitude of long winded answers and yes they are all intolerably boring, so to combat this i am going to write the craziest amount of gubbins you are likely to ever behold.
Now i am a simple man. Not in the sense that i cant added 2 and 2, i continually dribble when i speak or wear my trousers on back to front because ive deluded myself into thinking its cool. What i mean is, i am simple in the sense that i dont ask for much out of life and maybe this is the problem. The world isnt boring, i am. Ha ha, not really! Why, i am a cad, a regular bounder, a veritable highwayman prankster of the office hallways! Actually im a normal guy and i have friends ( no really, real living ones and everything! ) i go out to the pub and get hammered on weekends but despite this im increasingly noticing boredom creeping like a miserable old crone into my psyche on a disturbingly regular basis.
Perhaps people dont want enough out of life, perhaps we should all broaden our horizons and here are a few pointers to get you going in the right direction.

1) One thing all people have in common is that they get up in the morning, excluding Australian people who ( so im told ) are nocturnal and get up when we all go to bed. Now instead of getting out of bed in the same tedious zomibified manner that you do every day try pepping things up a bit by setting a small explosive under your mattress. When the seven o'clock alarm sounds BOOM!!! its time for a trip to excitment city ( Please be carefull to wear the correct protective clothing like a crash helment or knee and elbow pads).

2) At breakfast time you could hire a bare knuckle gypsy fighter and before you can get to your cocoa puffs you have to get through him in a no holds barred fight to the finish. Why not try and spice the action up a bit? Any form of kitchen utensil can be deadly in properly trained hands. i would recommend purchasing the S.A.S manual on how to kill your enemy with kitchen utensils ( only £5.99 and available from dodgy looking bearded men in pubs).

3) One of the most boring parts of the day is the journey into work or college. Personally i have to get on a bus full of old people who all smell of pee and continually complain about how much better things were in the good old days.I really hate that. For people driving there are bastard traffic jams which mean you have to sit still for ages and then actually have to pay attention to mind numbing breakfast radio shows with excruciatingly irritating radio host trying to make the morning more bright happy and gay. I hate them too! What i suggest is this, if your on a bus hi-jack it and then drive like a crazed maniac high on L.S.D ( that will stop those bastards going on about the good old days). Likewise in your car, just go crazy, let your hair down, have some fun. Chase down pedestrians so they have to jump into a bush or over a wall. Play the points game ( 10 points for a child, 50 for an O.A.P). A word of advice though, if you do this be prepared for the police. When they arrest you after a frenzied cross town pursuit for dangerous driving and murderous intent simply plead that you thought you were playing a computer game. Not being able to differentiate between reality and the virtual world of your nintendo is recognised as medical condition. Before you know it you will get a free consultation with a psychotherapist, a load of mind bending drugs and 3 months off work with sick pay, and who said crime doesnt pay? idiot.

As you can see making life more exciting , dangerous and on the edge is a doddle, you dont even need much money. But one last word of warning on this subject, a little bit of quiet boredom isnt such a bad thing. Try not to become a crazed excitment junkie. Before you know it you will be climbing sheer rock faces 1000s of metres high without any safety equiptment and suddently you will think " shit, what in the name of Jesus am i doing on a sheer rock face 1000s of metres high without any safety equiptment?" at which point you will fall off and trust me if there is one thing worse than old people going on abou the good old days, its being dead!

Talking about people being dead, what is the whole hibernating business about? It worries me slightly that i could go into a state of deep hibernation and then get buried alive because my mum thinks i am dead! I think im going to drink more coffee, as matter of a fact, why dont animals drink coffee? I once saw a cow that drank beer on a local news program, which is pretty handy if you want beer flavoured milk. If only you could train your tortoise to drink vast amounts of coffee, maybe then it wouldnt have to hibernate then you wouldnt have to endure a crap episode of blue peter to find out how to put he idiot in a box for the winter. I think they are just lazy.

Last week i was argueing with a troupe of trapeze artist midgets from the local circus about which are the stupidest animals. A heated debate arose, they argued that bats are pretty stupid because they hang upside down and kangaroos because all they can do is hop and "hopping is stupid" said one of my upstart pygmy friends. Naturally i, in letting them go first had allready sharpened my blade and proceeded to make them feel very silly indeed. I clearly pointed out what the worlds stupid animals are dolphins and hedgehogs. The answer is quite simple. After humans dolphins are supposed to be the most intelligent life forms on the planet. Other animals cant help being stupid they have minute brains! But dolphins dont, and yet still in 6 million years of evolution all they have managed to learn is how to jump out of the water and let people ride on their backs ( Donkeys can do that!).
My problem with hedgehogs is this. Every year on bonfire night on average 10,000000,000000 hedgehogs are incinerated inside bon fires. Havent they worked out yet that on this particular day of the year , big collections of wood in the middle of the garden are not very safe hibenation venues. Dispite this every year huge numbers of stupid, stupid hedgehogs foolishly climb into bon fires and then meet a firey end and then animal rights people complain its cruel. We dont put the stupid bastards in bon fires they bloody crawl in themselves! i knew hibernation was dangerous, i bloody knew it!

After that i bade farewell to my little friends, who were more than convinced now of the unintelligable stupidity of dolphins and hedgehogs and headed off for home, for it was 4.30 and i was worried i would miss diagnosis murder, me? boring? never.