shaking

Her head is spinning, her mind is racing-her hands, are shaking…as she gets up, off of her knees-that gave way beneath her as she was giving in to her self deprivation---degradation.  Her cheeks are wet with tears, her chin is covered in spit, her hand smells like vomit—and the toilet is full again.  She stares in the mirror as she washes her hands- eyes all red and swollen - empty….or broken…she’s confused, and knows not the difference.  She dreams in skeletons…skin and bones…..she dreams of becoming nothing..nothing…nothing at all.  Ever thinking she’s holding on-always really letting go.  The world is so big and she wants nothing more than to become smaller in it-to get lost in it….to fade into the distance.  She’s been hiding behind her eyes, and to her surprise…as the numbers fall off the edge of the scale…she is getting bigger….oh she’s getting bigger still.  She takes her coffee black…because dontcha know..she’s too fat-for low cal, low carb, fat-free---cream. Is this really her life-or is she just trapped in that dream---of perfection?.  Suddenly finding herself the subject of one too many erections—their stares glamorize her-victimize her-redefine her….turn her into prey.  This new body of hers just isn’t sayin what she wanted to say.  Maybe 10 more pounds will do- then she’ll be skinny enough to rot from view.  Maybe the answers lie in the loss of 15—so skinny, so pretty, so perfect…she won’t be seen.  But from where she stands now-in those size 6 jeans-there ain’t no end in sight---no victor in this fight-to the death…there’s little life left within her breath….but she’s still hanging on-cuz hope is something she just ain’t been able to shake… she’s gotten all too good at faking- sanity…now she’s choosing to abandon-reality … headed down a road she’s traveled many times before-thinking the less of her there is, the more people could lover her; but she’s just too big now to really matter –to anyone.