a night in

Dad: Fiona!
(silence)
Dad: Fi!
( silence)
Dad: FIONA!
Mum: ( pause) what?
Dad: can you make me a cuppa tea?
Mum: What?
Dad: Can you make me and Jo a cup...of..tea?
(pause)
Mum: What?
Me: TEA? CAN YOU MAKE US TEA?!!
Mum: What? i can't hear you, I'm making a cup of tea!
Me: (muttered) oh for f*cks sake!
Mum: Oi! I told you not to swear in this house! You have to make an effort now you're home! I wont have swearing in my new kitchen!
Me: What's the fucking kitchen got to do with it?
Mum: OI!!! Stop bloody swearing. ( comes into lounge) and take your feet off that chair.
( I take my feet off the chair, and try to drink tea)
Mum: and you can shut that door
Me: But i didn't bloody open it!
Mum: Don't bloody swear, just shut it.
Me: ( getting up and muttering)
Mum: And while you're up, get me some cheese. We've run out in here.
Me: What about your diet? ( snickering, and stomping into kitchen)
Mum: I'm trying
Dad: Yeah, very trying
Mum: I've lost 2 pounds this week.
( I poke my head around door, just as dad's about to plagiarise peter Kay's weight watcher jokes, and quickly shake my head)
Mum: Oh,have i told you about my new kitchen love?
Me: ( muttering) only about a dozen times.
Mum: oh no i was going to tell you, but i had a back spasm. did i tell you what the doctor said?
Dad: oh come on I'm trying to watch the news!
Mum: He said its because of that fall i had last year. And it hurt my thyroid. And it might be like that forever. Oh, it bloody hurts mind.
Me: Yeah, we know.
Mum: Oh, yeah, the kitchen, did I tell you about the kitchen?
Me: ( sighing) no
Mum; well, I'm going to have new units, and the sink is going where the kettle is. i was going to put the fridge there, split it into a fridge freezer, but i can't bend down because of my back. Not that I ever complain about my back...what's the hold up with the cheese?
Me: ( mouth full) nuffin
Mum: Are you eating again? She's eating again Nigel!
Dad: hmmm....
Mum: I told you not to eat in between meals..
Me: That would require meals in the first place. I haven't had anything tonight, I'm starving!
Mum: Have you had a look at my weight watchers book? The one I got off your dad? Its under the kitchen plans, by my back medicine?
( pause)
Mum: Have you found it?
Me: Errrr...
Mum: oh its ever so good. anyway, i think you should try that
Me: are you saying I'm fat?
Mum: No...where's the cheese? I'm just saying you should think about it. Oh, and that Atkins diet, its brilliant. No carbs. You should eat toast for tea.
Me: Why?
Mum: because its just bread with half the calories.
Me: What?
Mum: because all the water burns off in the toaster.
( pause)
Dad: What bollocks are you talking now.
Mum: Have i told you about the new units we're having? And where's the bloody cheese?
Me ( repeatedly banging my head against a new unit) It's coming.
Mum: What?
Me: It's bloody COMING!!!!!!