The Down Hill Slide

Prologue:

Fade In:
A middle-aged man walks out into a rural lane.  He can hear the sound of a tricycle bell.  Scene flashes to a three-year old girl riding a tricycle. 
The scene flashes back to middle aged man, he is looking around, listening to the bell. 
Scene flashes back to three-year old girl riding a tricycle, she is going faster. 
Scene flashes back to middle aged man, looking at the camera he screams in terror. 
The scene opens up to the three-year girl crashing into the middle-aged man.

Fade out:

Scene one:
Fade in:
The scene opens in a coffee shop, three people (one woman and two men) are sitting around a small round table.  Each has a coffee - the woman: Clare, has a café latté, the two men: Ryan has a large black filter coffee and Stanley has a cappuccino.  Stanley has four large green bin liners filled with his belongings beside him on the couch while both Clare and Ryan sit on easy chairs facing him.

Ryan:
I can't believe she kicked me out.

Clare:
Can you not?  I'm really more surprised that she didn't do it sooner.

Ryan:
What?

Stanley:
I'd have to agree with Clare on this one, she was really slumming when she started seeing you, it was never meant to last.

Ryan:
Thanks, (Ryan turns his back to the two) now would you like to twist the knife a little?

Stanley:
Get over it Man, you'll bounce back.

Ryan:
Sure, I'll just bounce back.  What does that mean?

Clare:
Let it go.  Where are you going to be staying then?

Stanley:
There's rooms at the B & B

Ryan:
Great, now I get to live like you?  I might stay in a hotel.

Clare:
I work with you Ryan, I know how much you make and I also know that you can't afford a hotel.

Ryan:
Of course I can, anyway, she is going to let me come back tomorrow anyway.

Clare & Stanley together:
You really are an idiot, aren't you?

Ryan:
I'm an idiot?

Stanley:
Forget it, you'll bounce back, people always do.

Clare:
Yeah, it's no big deal, happens all the time. But you have to stop being so unrealistic about things.

Stanley:
You're not going to get her back.

Clare:
You can't afford to stay in a hotel.

Stanley:
I don't know what he's so hung up about.

Clare:
Ryan, what are you hung up about?

Stanley:
Dependency, he's become needy.

Clare:
Very.

Stanley:
Can't live without her.

Clare:
Definitely can't live with her.

Stanley:
And that's his own fault.

Clare:
No one else to blame.

Stanley:
Ryan

Ryan:
Yeah?

Stanley:
Why don't you quit complaining?

Ryan:
... I guess I just got out of control.

Clare:
It can't all be bad, can it?

Stanley:
It's a fresh break.

Clare:
A new start.

Stanley:
The dawning of a new age.

Clare:
It's- it's... something. A little help here?

Stanley:
It's like a- it's like a flower.

Ryan:
A flower?

Clare:
How's it like a flower Stanley.

Stanley:
Petals and shit, it's nature.

Ryan:
Nature?

Clare:
It's not like a flower Stanley.

Stanley:
Ok, not a flower, like a goldfish.

Clare:
Goldfish?

Stanley:
Sure, a goldfish. Say you get yourself a Mister Flippers one day.
You bring him home in his special little transparent leaky bag and drop him in a tank.

Swim, Mister Flippers, swim, swim, swim.

Ryan:
Mister Flippers?

Stanley:
Just try and stay with me... Mister Flippers, well to start with you love watching him swim, swim, swim round the place. His little orange tail flicking through the water. His pouty lips whispering to the waves Bob, Bob, Bob, calling out for some dear lost Robert of the waves.

Clare:
I’d run if it wasn’t for the fact that I secretly want to hear this explanation.

Ryan:
Maybe we should make a run for it?

Clare:
No.

Stanley:
Look, anyway, one day over a bowl of cornflakes you notice the stench of death hangs on the air. Mister Flippers has taken to swimming upside down, and appears to have stopped calling Bob.

Clare:
The fish is dead?

Stanley:
Yes, exactly, but the fish is Love. Mister Flippers is your heart Ryan, and Mister Flippers is dead.

Ryan:
That doesn't make any sense, I didn't dump her.

Stanley:
Then maybe she's the fish.

Clare:
So she's a fish.

Stanley:
Well, she did bloat up at Matt's engagement.

Ryan:
Nuts, Stanley, she was allergic to the nuts you put on the pizza.

Stanley:
Ah yes, and you said it was a bad idea.

Ryan:
She had to go to hospital.

Stanley:
But she liked it, Ryan she liked my pizza.

Ryan:
Stop.  It's Monday morning. I'm dumped, homeless and I have go to a job I hate, for a wage I cannot even afford to get a hotel room with.

(Clare looks at her watch and turns to Ryan)

Clare:
We have got to go

Stanley:
I'll walk around with you.

Clare:
Why?

Ryan:
Yeah, Why?

Stanley:
I really don’t have anything else to do and …cause I love you guys too! Seriously though it's like trying to turn your head away from a car crash.

(Clare and Stanley walk out, leaving Ryan to struggle with his 4 bin
liners.)

Scene Two:
Stanley and Clare walking side by side, talking.  Ryan is walking behind them, dragging along the 4 bin liners.


Stanley:
Do you know what ruined me?

Clare:
The fact you're a lazy git?

Stanley:
The fact that I didn’t die in my teens.

Clare:
Maybe that’s what ruined the rest of us!

Stanley:
No Seriously

Clare:
So, you think you should have died then?

Stanley:
Think about it, look at the way kids are treated now a-days.  ‘Wear your bike helmet, don’t used lead in paint or in dental fillings, look both ways before crossing the street’ 

Clare:
You mean ‘the dangers of not taking precautions!’  Stop it.

Ryan:
Thanks for the help, here!

(Both Clare and Stanley ignore Ryan and keep on walking.  Ryan stops to adjust his grip on the n’Bags of His Life’)

Ryan:
No, don’t worry, I’ll catch up.

(Ryan lifts the bags again and tries to catch up, stumbles and falls forward on to the pavement.  Clare and Stanley stop, look around and carry on talking)

Stanley:
For example, the need to wear helmets while riding a bike.

Clare:
Oh my God, not this again

Stanley:
What do you mean, not again?

Clare:
I have heard this all before

Stanley:
How many times did I ride my bike in the 80’s?  I never wore a helmet and crashed many times, yet…

Clare:
Well, now I know what happened and if I ever have kids, I’ll make sure they wear a helmet.

Stanley:
Thanks.  We were also told that nuclear war was going to kill us all.  The fact that no one dropped the bomb and that has had a big affect on me.

Clare:
Maybe on you but, should we not be happy about that?

Stanley:
You would think so, but think about it, I prepared myself for nuclear war.  I should be vapourized, but what happened?  Well, let me tell you – the cold war ended and we all survived!

Clare:
I can see why you are disappointed. Maybe that's what ruined the rest of us!

Stanley:
No seriously

Clare:
So, you think you should have died then?

Stanley:
Not just me, everyone. A little nuclear warfare, it'd clear this planet
right up. Think about it, look at the way we treat kids these days.  'Wear your bike helmet, wear a seat belt, don't push Johnny down the stairs, don't use lead paint, look both ways before crossing the street'

Clare:
And what’s wrong with that? They're rules.

[Ryan drops two of his four bags]

Stanley:
Fuck 'em. Fuck rules. I'm pushing Johnny down the stairs. And you know what? I'll not wear my seatbelt when I hop into my getaway car and drive off into the sunset.

Clare:
Well this all sounds very responsible.

[Ryan leans to pick the two bags up]

Stanley:
So what if it doesn't?
[Ryan drops the other two bags while leaning]

Clare:
Because it's just dumb Stanley.

Ryan:
Thanks for the help, there!

(Both Clare and Stanley ignore Ryan and keep on walking.  Ryan stoops to gather his 'Bags of Life')

Stanley:
It's not really.

Clare:
It's dumb, trust me, it's dumb.

Ryan:
No, don't worry, I'll catch up.

(Ryan lifts the bags again and tries to catch up, stumbles and falls forward on to the pavement.  Clare and Stanley stop, look around and carry on talking)

Clare:
I can see why you are disappointed

Stanley:
It's not just the anti-climax, I've been living with disappointment all my life.

Clare:
Boo-hoo for you!

Stanley:
It's just the fact that no one dropped the bomb.

Clare:
You're out of your fucking mind.

Stanley:
Had any of them had the balls to do it... it would have been the best thing that could've happened.

Clare:
You're sick in the head Stanley, you can't just kill people.

Stanley:
We should all be dead.

Clare:
Shut up

Stanley:
Or at least, most of us, dead, some people would live on for a while, they might survive.

Clare:
In bunkers?

Stanley:
Or mineshafts.

Clare:
Mien Fuehrer!

Stanley:
What?

Clare:
Doesn't matter.

Stanley:
Yeah maybe, but they'd only survive for a little while, gradually the
radiation would consume, it'd soak through what defences we had left,
altering their genetic makeup, leading to a freakish race of disfigured
beasts prowling the land, thirsting... ever thirsting for the wet, mucus clad goo of brains, brains, brains, THE MUTANTS WANT TO EAT MY BRAIN!


[Stanley has come to a standstill, Clare has walked on and Ryan has nearly caught up with Stanley, who turns and sees an imagined swollen
zombie-creature in his place]

Clare! Wait! it's happened, it's happened!

Scene Three:
Clare and Ryan enter into the office - Ryan still dragging his bin liners. 
Their boss Randall is at the door when the two come in and takes a long look at the bin liners Ryan is dragging into the office.

Randall:
Ah Ryan, how are you this morning?

Ryan:
Awful, thanks.

Randall:
That's just super, and the girlfriend?

Ryan:
Single.

Randall:
Really?

Clare:
Morning Randall.

Randall:
Why are you bringing the rubbish back into the office?

Ryan:
These bags are my life at the moment Randall.

Randall:
Four bin liners are your life?  How sad is that?

Ryan:
Thanks

Clare:
Just don’t listen to him.  (Clare grabs Ryan’s arm and lead him to his cubicle.)

(Ryan stuffs the bags under his desk.  This fills the area under his desk, leaving him no room for his chair, let alone his legs.)

Clare:
You should have tried to take the day off, are you really going to be able to concentrate?

Ryan:
I’ll be able to concentrate just fine. Besides, what else would I have done today, hung out with Stan?

Clare:
How about looking for another place to live?  You are homeless at the moment.

(Randall is in the background watching the two of them.  He keeps holding up his wrist and points at his watch as if to say that it’s work time)

Clare:
Randall’s watching you and you know that he is trying to find a reason to fire you.

Ryan:
You would think that that guy had something better to do, wouldn’t you?  He is always hassling me.

Clare:
You are just going to have to stay away from him today.  Keep your head down and don’t give him any reason to talk to you.

Ryan:
I have a meeting with him this afternoon.

Clare:
This could be more difficult then I thought

Ryan:
Thanks for the help

Clare:
You’ll be fine.  Just remember that you’re more then this job.

Ryan:
Clichés are usually so helpful and yet I feel empty at this time.

Clare:
Just come over to my desk at 12:15 and we’ll go for lunch, ok?

Ryan:
What about break time?

Clare:
What about it?  I always read a book at break time.

Ryan:
What if I need to talk to some one?

Clare:
I’m not the only person in the office Ryan.

Ryan:
You want me to talk to these people? 

(A few of Ryan’s co-workers look around at this point to see what he is talking about)

Clare:
See you at lunchtime Ryan.

(Clare walks away while Ryan watches her walk over to her desk about 60 feet away)

[Ryan, sat at desk, typing and ignoring the ringing phone]

Other Bloke In Office:
Are you going to get that?

Ryan:
Eventually.

Other Bloke In Office:
Anytime today?

Ryan:
Possibly.

Other Bloke In Office:
Fine then,

[picks up phone, holds it too his ear, worried expression spreads across his face]

...I think it's for you.

[Other Bloke In Office hands the phone toward Ryan who continues to type frantically at the keyboard, he glances at the Other Bloke In Office from the corner of his eye, his speed of typing increases, faster he hit the buttons, faster and faster until...]

Ryan:
Fuck, you made me fuck it up. Look what you did. You happy now, it's ruined.

[Other Bloke In Office, still holding the phone looks over Ryan's shoulder to see the computer screen, typed over and over again is the phrase: NO JOB AND NO HOME MAKES RYAN GO MAD.
Other Bloke In Office looks positively terrified now.]

Other Bloke In Office:
Please Take this.

[Ryan snatches the phone and glares at Other Bloke In Office who bids a
hasty retreat without turning his back to Ryan]

Ryan:
Hello?

Voice On Phone:
I'm going to kill your wife and then I'm going to burn the house to the
ground, I'm going to tell the cops it was you, then I'm going to come
looking for you, and I'll find you and then-

Ryan:
I think you've got the wrong number.

Voice On Phone:
Shit, is this Darren Edison?

Ryan:
No, he's on another extension, I could put you through now if you want?

Voice On Phone:
Could you? Thanks, can't believe I called the wrong number, this is so
embarrassing.

Ryan:
Happens all the time, now could you hold on for a moment and I'll put you through.

Voice On Phone:
Thanks.

[Ryan puts the call on hold and starts rifling through sheets of paper to find Darren Edison's number, meanwhile Clare comes over to Ryan's desk.]

Clare:
Hiya. You look a little stressed. Bummer.

Ryan:
Why? I’m at the beginning of a fresh start, a clean break, a new beginning, and all that other bullshit you were spinning.

Clare:
We were trying to cheer you up.

Ryan:
Because I'm needy and she was too good for me?

Clare:
We want you to be happy, within reason.

Ryan:
Do you know Darren Edison's number, I can't find it anywhere?

Clare:
Haven't a clue, is there a call for him.

Ryan:
I think so.

Clare:
Is it important?

Ryan:
No, not really.

Clare:
Come on, I want to go for lunch.

Ryan:
It's not even eleven.

Clare:
And if I get caught, I'll blame you, what'll they do, fire you?

Ryan:
This is the real world, resumes and shit, Clare.

Clare:
Oh, so you think that Randall is going to realise how wrong he's been and write you a glowing report after you're gone? Don't shit me. He'll like that all the more because you won't know about it. He'll get to shit on you from beyond employment like some, crazy, mad thing, that's dead and won't stop.

Ryan:
Zombie?

Clare:
That's the one, he's the zombie of post employment haunting you from beyond this job.

Ryan:
Stanley does it better.

Clare:
I know, but you got to give these things a try.

Ryan:
Only you, don't.

Clare:
So are we going to lunch or what?

Ryan:
I have to pack.

[Clare points at a shoebox on Ryan's desk with a pitiful amount of tat
stored in it]

Clare:
Looks like you have.

Ryan:
I might forget something.

Clare:
My god, you haven't

[she reaches into shoe box and removes a photo frame]

you are so not over her, you're keeping the photos?

Ryan:
It only ended this morning. No, I'm not over her.

Clare:
Fine, but I just think it's time to move on.

Ryan:
If I go to lunch, will you stop pestering me about all this girlfriend shit?

Clare:
Yes.

Ryan:
Okay then, lets go.

Clare:
I've got whole new shit to pester you about now.

[They walk off and out of the office, meanwhile the Voice On The Phone
continues-]

Voice On The Phone:
...and they'll never catch me, no one will ever catch me. I'll get away with it all and you are going to rot slowly painfully and so alone...
MWAHAHAAHA!!! MWAHAHA!!! .... What do you think about that? What do you
think about what I'm going to do? ... ... Hello? H-hello? Are you still
there? Don't even try to trace this call Edison! I'm five steps ahead of you! ...

Clare:
Ryan.  Ryan!! Stan’s down at the coffee shop waiting for us.

Ryan:
Wonderful

Clare:
Snap out of it, Man. 

(Randall is waiting at the door to the office and Ryan and Clare are forced to walk up to him)

Randall:
Don’t forget our meeting at 2 today Ryan. 

(Clare and Ryan walk past without saying a word to Randall)

Randall:
We will be talking about your future within this company Ryan.

Ryan:
(Under his breath) This company has a future?

Randall:
I heard that and I might want to add that your future and this company’s future are not necessary one and the same… If you know what I mean.

Clare:
Keep on walking, we are almost at the lift.

(The two of them walk through the front door of Booker’s coffee shop.  Stan is already at a booth drinking coffee and eating a rib sandwich. )

Stanley:
Hey!!  How’s Mr Down-In-The-Dumps? 

Clare:
If you can believe it, he is worse then he was this morning.

Stanley:
Really, how so?

Ryan:
I’m about to loose my job this afternoon

Clare:
You are not going to loose your job.

Ryan:
You heard Randall when we left for lunch.

Stanley:
Who’s Randall

Clare:
He’s our boss, we talk about him almost every day.

Stanley:
Really?

Ryan:
It’s not important who he is, the important thing is that I’m going to loose my job.

Stanley:
But you hate that job.

Ryan:
That’s not the point, nobody likes their job.  I need this job.

Clare:
You are not going to loose your job. 
He might just want to ask you why you sat staring at your computer today and didn’t even bother turning it on.

Stanley:
You didn’t turn you computer on?

Ryan:
I was taking time out to reflect.

Clare:
Give me a break, you were moping and sulking.

Stanley:
What were you reflecting on?

Clare:
Why would you encourage this?

Ryan:
It’s alright, I was reflecting on how I need to move on.  I have to get out of here.

Stanley:
But you just ordered a coffee.

Claire:
We just got here.

Both Claire and Stan start laughing manically, leaving Ryan speechless momentarily before he starts to laugh. 

Claire:
See, it’s not so bad is it?

Ryan:
No, it really is that bad, but I do have to get over it.

Stanley:
You still need a place to stay?  I talked to Francis at the B & B and he says that there is a spare room if you want it.

(Ryan tries to respond but Claire jumps in quickly.)

Clare:
He is going to take it.

Scene Four:
Scene opens with Ryan and Claire returning from lunch.  They are in a crowded lift going back to the office and Ryan looks much happier than he did when he left for lunch. 

Ryan:
It’s amazing what a breath of fresh air can do for you

Clare:
Don’t get too cocky, look whose waiting by your desk.

(Leaning up against Ryan’s desk is Randall, tapping on his watch to let Ryan know that he is late.)

Randall:
Can I help you?

Clare:
No, I was just-

Randall:
Unless this is "I was just going to give you a great excuse for being late again Mister Randall, sir" -then I won't want to know, now will I?

Clare:
No, but ...
Did he not say 2 O’clock?

Ryan:
Man, he just doesn’t let up does he.

Clare:
Relax, he’s just doing it to …

Ryan:
I’m back early, what’s your problem?

Randall:
What?

Ryan:
Are we not entitled to have a lunch?
Am I not entitled to a harassment free work environment?

Randall:
Now just wait a second.

Ryan:
No Randall, it is time that I took a stand for the worker and put you in your place!

Randall:
Let’s go into my office and talk about this

Ryan:
I’m not going to let you just fire me like that, I quit!

Randall:
What are you talking about?

Clare:
You might want to think this through Ryan.

Ryan:
You’re the one that encouraged me to put my life in my hands.

Randall:
Ryan!

Clare:
Don’t blame me for this.

Randall:
Ryan, in my office right now!

Ryan:
(Ryan salutes Randall and walks to his office.)  Ya vol, mien commandant!

Clare:
He has had a very rough day Randall.

Randall:
Don’t get into it Clare. 

Ryan:
It’s alright Clare, my eyes are wide open.  I can see what is happening.

Randall:
Are you feeling ok?  You are acting like an idiot.

Ryan:
An idiot that knows that you have already planned on sacking me!

Randall:
I hadn’t planned on sacking you until know Ryan.
What I was going to do was put you in for a bonus.

Ryan:
What?

Randall:
I want you to pack up your desk right now.
I’m getting security to escort you out.

Ryan:
Look Randall…

Randall:
But- you hoped that I'd not notice the latte stains over my face. I'm for the mouth next time, it's the place you store the cake.

Clare:
Fine. Ryan, can you tell Randall his flies' down if you get a moment?

[Clare walks off to her cubicle.]

Randall:
That's just a bad attitude Ryan, it's not the kind of attitude we like to see in here.

Ryan:
Right.

Randall:
Now, you Ryan, ah- Ryan you're going places.

Ryan:
I am? Really, I was worried I was late again.

Randall:
Don't worry, we'll let that slide, you're going places Ryan.

Ryan:
I am? Where?

Randall:
How the fuck would I know, but you're definitely going places, you've been fired.

Ryan:
Really?

Randall:
Yes you lucky man you, Human Resources sent you a letter down this morning, so I opened it for you. They'd like you to be packed for this afternoon.

Ryan:
Did they say why?

Randall:
Of course not, they wrote something about performance management directives and all this contract covering bullshit, but I like to think that it's down to me.

Ryan:
Thanks.

Randall:
Don't mention it, just don't steal anything either, it'd be embarrassing to have security search you in front of everyone, heck we'll do that anyway, but don't try anything, or I'll see we press charges.

[Ryan begins to walk off to his cubicle, Randall feels that his zipper is up, then notices Ryan's bags]

Randall:
I'm inspired! Ryan, the bags.

Ryan:
Yes?

Randall:
Leave the bags with security.

Ryan:
I can't leave them with security, they'll steal something.

Randall:
Should have thought about that before taking that health and safety risk into the workplace.

Ryan:
How'd I know I'd get dumped this morning?

Randall:
Ah- so she kicked you out? Homeless, jobless, it's the lil'est hobo. Now bags front desk.

Ryan:
Right, fine.

Randall:
You going back later to pick everything else up?

Ryan:
This is everything.

Randall:
You make me sick.

[Ryan imagines himself dropping the bags and lunging at Randall, he punches and punches and punches and attracts the attention of the office, who turn and cheer, they hoist him into the air as an announcement is made over the intercom. RYAN, YOU'RE GOING PLACES, COME ON UP AND PICK UP THE KEYS TO YOU'RE NEW COMPANY CAR, YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED.  the staff cheer]

Randall:
[waves hand in front of Ryan's face, clicks fingers points at bags]
Front desk.

[Points at Ryan]

Pack up.

Ryan:
Did you know about this?

Clare:
No, does it make any difference?
Have you really lost it?

(Ryan gathers the bags from under his desk and throws a few things off his desk into them.  The security guard arrives.)

Security Guard:
Are you ready?

Ryan:
Let’s go

Clare:
Ryan, what are you going to do?

Ryan:
The only thing I can do, I’ll have to get a hold of Stan and move into the B&B.

Security Guard:
Let’s go.

(Ryan walks through the office, dragging the bags behind him.  When he gets to the lift he lifts up the bags to get a better grip, the door of the lift opens and Ryan and the security guard walk in.  As the door of the lift closes, the bags burst and the contents spit out. )

Ryan:
For fuck sake!!

SCENE FIVE
[In the same coffee shop as Scene One, a waitress approaches with three
drinks]

Waitress:
One Americano. One Latte. One vegetable surprise smoothie with no carrot.

Stanley:
You know, I love madly.

Waitress:
Freak.

Stanley:
One day...

Clare:
What are you going to do now?

Stanley:
Nothing, why who asked?

Clare:
I did, I was just wandering.

Stanley:
So no one asked you?

Clare:
No one.

Stanley:
And him, what does he know, who's he with?

Ryan:
I'm here alone, very alone, you know this.

Stanley:
Don't make assumptions about what I do and do not know, it would surprise you.

Clare:
What's up?

Stanley:
Well, I guess I can tell you guys, you're clean...
[Stanley walking in park, smiling and enjoying the sunshine...]

Voice Over Stanley:
It was just another summery day in the park for me and I decided to go for a stroll-

Voice Over Ryan:
It's been raining all morning Stanley.

Voice Over Stanley:
This is my flashback and I'll remember it how I want, anyway, maybe it
weren't so sunny, a little overcast, I guess you'd call it if you called days things like overcast, but that ain't my style, so I’d leave it at not so sunny.

Voice Over Ryan:
It was raining cats and dogs.

Voice Over Stanley:
What kind of bullshit is this. It was raining water, it was pissing big
drops of heavey wet rain.

[Stanley starts walking through torrential downpour in the park.]

Voice Over Stanley:
Now look what you made me do. Right, and unless anyone wants to add anything else to today’s weather report?

Voice Over Clare:
Well, it was a little windy too.

Voice Over Ryan:
And you're not wearing a coat.

Voice Over Stanley:
Fine.

[Stanley, without coat, is walking through a windy wet day in the park]

Voice Over Stanley:
So there's all this... weather going on and I'm walking in the park and who do I see?

Voice Over Clare:
Who?

Voice Over Stanley:
Christ! That's rhetoric, you're not supposed to answer me.

Voice Over Clare:
How's I supposed to know?

Voice Over Stanley:
You're not, it's the pause of suspension, why the fuck would I ask you to ask me a question that only I can answer?

Voice Over Ryan:
Well, you and the person you saw.

Voice Over Stanley:
Only if they saw me.

Voice Over Ryan:
Did they see you?

Voice Over Stanley:
Yes. But that's not the point, they're not here.

Voice Over Clare:
There's no need to get narky, I don't know why you have to ask stupid
questions like that anyway.

Voice Over Stanley:
It's the art of story telling.

Voice Over Ryan:
Yeah that's going well for you so far.

Voice Over Stanley:
Can I tell the story?

Voice Over Ryan and Clare:
You were walking in the park when you saw...?

Voice Over Stanley:
Linda.

[Stanley spies beautiful blonde girl walking a collie through the park, he smiles and waves, she smiles back, raising her hand to say hello]

Voice Over Ryan:
Who?

[Back in coffee shop]

Stanley:
Linda. Linda-Linda.

Clare:
Linda-Linda?

Stanley:
Yes.

Clare:
Oh Linda-Linda... who's that?

Stanley:
Waitress, just brought you coffee.

Ryan:
But she hates you.

[Cut back to Stanley walking through park, smiles waves, Linda scolds face and gives Stanley the finger]

Stanley:
Maybe. At the moment. But people change. I've changed. This morning I was all shook up, I'd lost my girlfriend and my home, but look at me now, I've moved on, found a new woman, sure she'll take a little convincing, but things are looking up already.

Clare:
That's Ryan's life.

Stanley:
Ryan and Linda?

[lunges at Ryan]

I'll kill you!

Clare:
Ryan lost his girlfriend and home.

Stanley:
You sure?

Ryan:
Pretty much.

Stanley:
Then I'll take your word for it. How go things now?

Ryan:
I lost my job.

Stanley:
You lucky fucking bastard.

Ryan:
What?

Clare:
You broke fucking bastard, that's what you mean Stanley, you broke homeless, alone fucking bastard.

Ryan:
Thanks folks.

Stanley:
No seriously, you are one lucky bastard. Things never get this bad unless something really amazing is just about to happen.

Ryan:
Sure, whatever.

Stanley:
Don't mock it, it's going to happen.

Clare:
When?

Stanley:
Any minute now...

[all three stare at the door of the coffee shop as though something important is about to happen... which of course, doesn't happen]

... any-second-now...


Scene 6:
Ryan and Stan walk into the B&B that Stan has been living in for many years and Ryan in now going to be staying at as well.  As they walk into the front hall, an elderly man walks out of a side room and rushes behind the front desk.

Stanley:
Hey Mannie

Mannie:
Stan, you have a good day?

Stan:
Not bad, average
Hey, do you have a vacancy for my friend here?

Mannie:
I think we can accommodate him.  I take it he is an up standing citizen like yourself?  You know what I mean, I dependant of the tax payer?

Ryan:
Easy there

Stanley:
Don’t worry Ryan, he doesn’t mean anything.
Mannie, he just lost his job today, until a couple of hours ago, he was the taxpayer!

Mannie:
Fine, he’s a saint,  (he turns to Ryan) fill this out.
Here’s your key, you’re in room 112
No cooking in the room,
No loud music and no pets.

Stanley:
Hey, that’s around the corner from my room, cool.

Ryan:
It’s not that big a B&B Stan.

Mannie:
Breakfast is from 6 till 11.  That’s 11 in the morning, right Stan.
So, if you want breakfast, get your ass down here before 11, got it?

Stanley:
Am I not always down here on time, Mannie?

Mannie:
No!  (turning back to Ryan)  Enjoy your stay.
(Mannie turns his back throws up his hands and walks back to his room)

Ryan:
Great place you’ve brought me to.

Stanley:
You’ll learn to love it here as much as I do so don’t knock it yet!
I have a bed, I get breakfast and when I watch T.V. I always have company.

Ryan:
Yeah, I’ve seen the company you have here.

Stanley:
They are really great people here once you get to know them.  Some of them were even in the circus.  Ivor is able to pull his bottom lip up to his eyebrows.

Ryan:
Damn

Stanley:
I know, so stop complaining and let’s get your stuff into the room and meet Claire over at the pub.

Ryan:
Claire is meeting us at the pub?

Stanley:
Sure, we usually meet at the pub around the corner.
You see Ryan, before you had to settle for the partner’s friends.

Ryan:
But I would meet up with you guys

Stanley:
Never with her though and that is the difference,
now you are free to do what you want with whom you want.

Ryan:
But what I really want is to have a job and not be living in a B&B

Stanley:
You really aren’t giving this a chance are you?
You really are a snob aren’t you?
But more importantly, what do you think of Clare?

Ryan:
What the hell are you talking about, I’m not a snob.

Stanley:
But what about Clare?  This could be your chance?

Ryan:
Why do you do this?

Stanley:
I think it might be the kind of challenge that you need. 
A great challenge I think!

Ryan:
A challenge, do you hear yourself when you’re speaking?
How is this a challenge?

Stanley:
First of all, the transition from friend to being romantically involved is always a challenge and I think she may be gay.

Ryan:
She’s not gay Stan she was married for three years and has several boyfriends since.

Stanley:
You are so naïve Ryan, do you not understand that she is just trying to hide her true feelings?

Ryan:
You amaze me Stan

Stanley:
Thank you

Ryan:
You amaze me because are so incredibly stupid

Stanley:
Hey, I just make observations about people.  I see it, I comment.

Ryan:
No, you see something that is not there and you make a comment based on nothing.
(Meanwhile, at the pub Clare is sitting alone at a table waiting for Stan and Ryan.  At that moment and young male college student walks up to the table.)

Young college student:
Good evening, do you mind if…

Clare:
Fuck off

Young college student:
I just wanted …

Clare:
I know what you just wanted, now clear off.

Young college student:
The bartender said you were gay.

Clare:
Just cause a woman won’t sleep with you doesn’t mean that she is gay.
Which bartender said that?  Hey, come back!!
Prat!!

(Return to B&B)

Ryan:
Where did you ever get the idea that she was gay?

Stanley:
I don’t know, just a feeling.
She is very striking though, isn’t she?

Ryan:
I have to admit, I have had thoughts!

Stanley:
I try to bring a different light to things

Scene 7
Ryan and Stanley walk into the Elk and find Clare sitting by herself at the bar.  There are two stools on either side of her and people are trying hard to stay outside her perimeter.  Clare looks up and sees Ryan and Stan.

Clare:
Where have you two been?  The rats are really out tonight!

Stanley:
Rats?

Ryan:
Don’t do it Stan, you know how this usually ends.

Clare:
They are always coming up to me and trying to take a bite!
I’m afraid to corner them in case they attack

Ryan:
And that is why you never sit in a booth, because then they will have you cornered and

Ryan and Stanley together:
there is nothing worse then being cornered by a rat.

Ryan:
You have to get out of that mind set.

Clare:
You know what Ryan, now that you have been dumped, you will understand what it is like to be back ‘on the market’  It is crap and …

Ryan:
Don’t, I’ve come here to forget about my day, without it getting even worse

Stanley:
Are you guys going to by me a drink?

Ryan:
I just got fired today

Clare:
Didn’t you just get your unemployment today?

Stanley:
That’s got to last me

Stanley:
I try to bring a different light to things

Ryan:
Not to labour this point but that really wasn’t an area that needed enlightening, whether it is true or not.

Stanley:
Hey, that’s not fair, I was only trying to lighten the situation here.

Ryan:
Let’s drop it and go.

Stanley:
Not really sure what the problem is here.

Ryan:
Have you not been paying attention to my day?

Stanley:
That is why I was trying to lighten up the situation.

Ryan:
Forget it Stan, you don’t understand

Stanley:
I do understand, look at my life here.  Do you not think that I see what goes on around me?  Why do you think that I live the way I do?

Ryan:
I haven’t really thought about it.

Stanley:
And you say that I don’t understand.  You don’t even understand your own life. 
Look, you really can start from the ground up, you can get another job, you can get another girlfriend and then loose it again or you can explore what there is down here at the bottom. 

Ryan:
Stan, that was the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard! 
But, some of it made sense, I can’t use it, but it made sense.

Stanley:
Why can’t you use it? 

Ryan:
Because I can’t cope in a fantasy world.  I live like Dilbert, you on the other hand live in Frog’s wild ride.  Without the actual ride and from where I’m standing – it’s not all that wild either.

Stanley:
Man, your eyes better be prepared for some opening because, until you find a job, you are going to be taking the ride.

Ryan:
Do you not think that it scares the shit out of me?

Stanley:
Why?

Ryan:
I need stability,  (Ryan is now ready to go out and he is grabbing Stan by either side of his collar and trying to shake him)

Stanley:
My life is stable.

Ryan:
Thanks for cheering me up Stan, now let’s getting going so I can forget my day!

Stanley:
To new beginnings

Clare:
I’ve never seen you this happy before Stan, what has gotten into you?

Ryan:
Could it be that you

Epilogue:
Ryan gets himself ready for bed, gets under the covers and gets out a book and begins reading.  The camera backs up to a full shot of the small bedroom with Ryan lying in bed reading and only a small table lamp is on.  The focus goes to the sound of footsteps.  The focus now goes to a high bar stool and Dead Uncle Ned walking up to it and sitting himself under a spotlight.

Dead Uncle Ned:
Good night ladies and gentlemen and welcome to my final thought.  Tonight we have witnessed the demise of a young man.  True, he was the product of his times.  He was delusional, he lack even a slight bit of self-respect.  He was willing to allow society to guide him into a mediocre life.  A life that no human being should have to endure, yet so many of us do.   

Ryan:
What the?

Dead Uncle Ned:
Just keep on reading

Ryan:
Uncle Ned?

Dead Uncle Ned:
Just keep on reading.

Ryan:
I thought you were killed in that freak tricycle accident?

Dead Uncle Ned:
I have to comment on the events of your life, starting from tonight.

Ryan:
This is insane

Dead Uncle Ned:
Do you know what was insane, the way that you were floating through life.  Don’t you want to do anything?

Ryan:
I was doing it.  I had a job and a girlfriend that I was going to marry!

Dead Uncle Ned:
And now, you have fuck all.  You are living in a B&B with that asinine friend of yours.  You hang around with that crazy woman, who is likely to snap one day and gun everyone in the office down.

Ryan:
What are you doing hear any way

Dead Uncle Ned:
This is my final thought.  I look through the happening and I evaluate them.

Ryan:
Well, what is your opinion about today then.

Dead Uncle Ned:
You need help boy.  Take Stan’s advise, it’s time to make your life your own.

Ryan:
You’re taking Stan’s side here, you’re my uncle.

Dead Uncle Ned:
Just because I’m your uncle doesn’t mean that I have to …
(Out of the audience’s sight, a man clears his throat, Dead Uncle Ned turns and faces the camera.)
Now, what we have learned from the events that we have witnessed tonight is that life sometime is cruel, sometimes it gives you a shitty hand and you just have to wipe it clean.  Starting at the bottom isn’t so bad, it gives you time to evaluate what you were doing and where you are going.  (again out of the audiences sight, a man yells ‘that’s a wrap’ Dead Uncle Ned turns to the voice.)
I’m not done yet, I was going to say something profound!  Really!