Little John and the Wife

Saturday morning. Little John is outside his hovel, chopping up logs and looking unhappy. Suddenly, his wife appears…

Olga: (In a threatening growl) Muffin-cakes!

John: (Flinching) Yes, Dumpling?

Olga: ( Marching over and planting a hard kiss on his cheek) You haven’t forgotten what you’re doing today, have you?

John: ( Bleary eyed from a late night in the fields with the boys) Errrrrrm….er….milking Daisy? ( points to the scraggliest, most pathetic goat in the whole of England. That is incidentally male).

Olga: No!

John: Ermm…..buying some seeds?…getting Dobbin shod?...errrrrm….( desperate now)…going to market…

Olga: You’re going to pick up my mother!

John: What! I mean…oh yes

Olga: Yes, she’s coming to stay for a while, to help me out

John: Um…how long is she…( falls silent at vicious look from his wife)

Olga: She’s staying for 3 weeks.

John: ( Quietly) Oh, great...that’s all I need

Olga: What was that!

John: Nothing Dumpling, nothing!

Olga: It didn’t sound like nothing! (stalks over to him and pokes him in the chest) And this time, you’d better be nice to her!

John: ( Eyes rolling, grinding teeth) I’m always nice to her! ( quietly) It’s you I don’t like!

Olga: What! Nice? Nice? Don’t think I’ve forgotten what happened last time?

John: What? I…I…I didn’t do anything!

Olga: You pushed her down a well!

John: You can’t prove...I mean, no I didn’t!

Olga: You pushed my mother…down a fifteen foot well…

John: That was an accident!

Olga: A helpless old lady!

John: She was carrying a battle axe! She tripped!

Olga: She always warned me about marrying a man like you!

John: Huh ( spluttering in incomprehension and fear at the fast faced mood changes)

Olga: She always said I could have married that carpenter… Dewi Williams but no, I had to marry the artist…

John: Oh for the love of ( goes back to chopping wood)

Olga: I could have been rolling in turnips…he has his own cart and a pond and everything!

John: ( turning around ) We’re doing OK!

Olga: Ha! You don’t even own your own hovel!

John: Lots of people have a mortgage these days!

Olga: And I’ve had 8 of your children!

John: Yes…

Olga: 8 of your children…and slaved to raise them, and …speaking of the kids, have you seen them lately?

John: Which one?

Olga: The tall one…errrrm…Tom

John: Nah, he’s working in the fields same as the others

Olga: Yes, my only boy!Thank God he didn’t take after his father

John: No

Olga: He doesn’t look like you either, thank god!

John: ( pondering now) No,…he doesn’t…blonde hair…not many in the village have hair that blonde…

Olga: Thank god the girls are starting to get married, I don’t know what we’d do if we had to feed all of them!

John: Only Dewi Williams has hair that blonde…

Olga: ( hastily interrupting ) So, are you going to leave me then?

John: ( look of hope and happiness in his face for a second) What was that?

Olga: Are you going down the Tavern again tonight? To be with that Robin and his merry men?

John: Oh, er...yes, I was planning on…

Olga: Leaving your poor wife and daughters…

John: It’s only for an hour…

Olga: While you consort and have fun…

John: It’s serious work!

Olga: In that Tavern! With that foriegn wench Sophia

John: ( pauses and gets a dopey happy look on his face for a brief second, then shakes himself) She’s from Wales!

Olga: Introducing foriegn muck and witchcraft into our village!

John: It’s a Tapas bar!

Olga: And…(checks the sun)…oh my god, you’re late to pick up mother!

John: Oh, er, better go then. ( hurries away from hovel towards scraggy horse)

Olga: Standing here chatting to me and wasting time! Go, quickly! Go on! ( walks away

John: ( sighs and saddles up Dobbin. ) Come on mate…lets go and pick up the old battle axe…and try and find a well on the way back.