Journal

knowing the future would ruin it.

but it would sure make life a heck of a lot easier.

I hate that Im human. Humans are trashy and messy and loud and disgusting.

There are so many other things I could be. A tree, the wind, the grass, a lake.

Things humans spend their lives destroying.

What am I going to do with my life??  What is going to make me happy, and not look at myself 10 years from now and think,

who am I? How did I become this?

Does anyone ever really know what they want or is it all just a game of chance?

You know what would make me happy? pausing this moment in time, and becoming a part of nature, as it is now.It's so beautiful out here.

Im sick of life being so complicated. I want to run away to some small town far far away from here,where no one knows anything about me. A place where I can be whoever I want to be, and do whatever I want to do. Nothing tying me down. It would be nice to have someone to runaway with, but the way things are going right now, I think this is something Im doing on my own. Which really isnt that bad. Id be completely alone. No one to have to please or worry about. I think Im swearing off guys anyway. Maybe Ill become a nun. No I wont...I dont want to be catholic.

god.

I am a disater in the form of a person.

I find some great guys who ANY girl would be lucky to have, and I push them away. I meet other guys who are happily in relationships, or who couldnt really give a damn about me and I cant stop thinking about them.

I hate mushy guy talk.

I make fun of girls who spend any time at all upset about some stupid guy, and here I am writting a blog about them.

pathetic. hypocryte.

I just wish that someone someday could see me as special. Someone to think that I am the prettiest, most amazing girl in the world, and no other girl on the planet could even come close. Someone who would sit and watch law and order with me even if they hate it. Someone who would sit on the couch with me all night watching movie after movie while we stuff our faces with junk food, and make fun of the actors :] Someone who would drop everything to come and get me if I needed it. baghhaaahhh. This is sooo disgustingly mushy I feel like puking. lol no, but I mean, I think Im going to be alone the rest of my life. Hopefully  not a cat lady though :] lol

Its not nessecarily a bad thing...just different.

Life is not all about love.

There are a ton of people who are single, and love it. they have their own house, car, bathroom, dog....they have friends and a job and a life. Its not bad...Its just not the life weve been programed to want. Our parents telling us fairytales, movies all about love=happiness and blahblahblah. Thats really not how life has to be.

I think Im going to camp out here tonight. Its soo pretty. And my house depresses me.

My dads gone. forever. He has been for almost 3 years now. I hate him immensly. but it really sucks not having a dad. Im so jealous of my friends, and even random kids I pass in the store. My friend was fighting with her dad a few days ago, and I was just listening, wishing I had a dad to argue with. I want a dad to tell me he hates my boyfriends, or to tell me to change my clothes, or that he loves me. I want to have a wedding so that my dad can walk me down the isle and I can get my father daughter dance. I miss him making kool-aid and singing his stupid made up songs. I miss his enthusiasum when he got an idea. I miss the trip to oregon. I miss him being a faggot and telling me I couldnt go out with my friends.

whyd he have to be such a fuck-up???

Why did he have to be soo sick??

I want to buy a house and have my dad checking all the pipes and electrical lines, because hes worried its not safe enough for his baby girl. I want to be called daddys little girl. I want to be able to come home depressed and in tears and have my father wrap me up in a big bear hug and tell me everything is going to be alright. I want us to play basketball, and go hiking. I want to go on family vactions with him. I want to want him dead. I want to hire a hit man to kill him. I want to never think about him again.  I want to neverever miss him.

I want a dad. a real dad. I really miss him.

I make myself sick Im so fucking pathetic. rughghughuuughhh. I hate him. I want eggs in my ramen soup again. I dont eat eggs, and even then I thought it was gross, but it was one of those few things he did actually trying to be sweet, be a caring father. I want to melt into the earth.

Im so confused right now.

3 years ago, if you wouldve asked me what I would be doing right now, Id tell you Id have just gotten done with prom, I would be getting ready for graduation and buying stuff for my dorm at lindenwood where Id be getting my degree in elementry education.

what I am doing:

Ive been to the hospital 3 times in the past couple of months.  I didnt go to prom. I havent been to school in months, because it doesnt matter what I do this semester, Im still going to have to go to school next year to be a fucking retarded 5th year senior. I dont have my license, and I dont have a job.

I sound disgusting. I sound like a pot-smoking dropout who could care less about their future and is going to spend their entire life working at mcdonalds, smoking dope, and living with their parents.

THATS NOT WHO I AM.

But I guess it is.... I mean take a look at my life right now, thats exactally what it looks like... (minus the pot)

I never wanted to be like this. I never wanted my life to turn out like this.I never thought I could possibly screw up bad enough to make my life turn out like this.

I suprise myself all the time.

All my friends are getting ready for graduation with all the senior stuff going on and getting ready to go on to college, and Im still here.

I hate this more than anything in the world. I hate myself for fucking up this badly.

I wish I had a time machine. Id go back to 1990.