Questioning GOD

I wonder if your really out there.  Do you really know each of your children?
Do you really care?    Are you watching me as I type this, knowing I question you and your existance?  Are you the daytime the nightime, the beginning, the end, the creator of all?  Are you but a ray of hope in each of these beings that gather around the earth needing wanting nothing more then to believe in someone, something? 

Or are you nothing but a good story written centuries ago?  A story that gave us humans the ability to go on?  A reason, if you will to believe in something, anything?  Perhaps we as an inperfect race needed a good and evil to blame for those inperfections, moreover someone to push blame onto, for as you know none of our kind ever wants to admit that something could possible be our doing or our fault.

There is the classic, "The Devil made me do it."  Shall we use that phrase to sum up all the stupidity I have inflicked upon myself since the beginning of my first cry?  Can I blame the Devil, for my questioning of you...for that would be far more easy then admitting that I don't like taking responsibility over my own life, my own actions, my own want, desires, my own greed for more?

I hear people say things like "God will provide.", now keep in mind that those who state this are normally those that have nothing.  They "prey" that they will become sucessful, "hope" that things will change and get better.  They "believe" that they will because they have you as their "fall-back".  I don't have time to wait on you to decide my fate.  I've always "prayed" for a better life for my family, yet nothing has changed.  I have always "believed" that somehow, someway I would  not only find a good career, but on that I would love and have dreamed of my entire life, and I might add have been told over and over again, "If you believe in God: He will provide." Yet, nothing has changed.

I did, I suppose I still do; believe you exist, for whom elce would I be writing this too.  But I must admit, through all of my praying, all of my hoping, all of my believing, you don't get up in the morning, take a shower, get ready for work and bring home a pay check so I can pay my bills, put food on my table, cloth myself, my husband, my children...in fact, If I lived by the "If you believe in God; He will provide" I fully believe, I would be homeless, starving, and naked out on the street. 

So at what point do we as inperfect humans, stop believing and start doing for ourselves?  Taking responsibility over our own lives and removing that from you?  And if, we do take responsibility completely for own inperfections, then what are you to us any more?  Does this now move in to our aging fear?  The fear of death and what is to become of our "Souls".  Accourding to your "book"  did you not already pave the way for us, for our inperfections from your dying upon the cross?  So what have we to fear?

I fear not that of death, but of the road I must follow to get there.  It is this living for me that is the hard part.  For none of us humans are without pain, fear, humility, hate, greed, desire and all the other horrors of emotion.  No, I do not fear death, I welcome it.  But, then there is your book again, the rule is clear we can not chose death prematurly or there will not be a spot for us in your heaven.  If you live a life of pain, is it not yours to give away?  So now I ask...Why are we here?  If, you are the creator, Why did you create us, what was the purpose?  Are our life times, not but a blink of an eye for you, the Almighty?  My, little dog looks to me to provide for it, as I need you to provide for me...are we your pets?

I mean no dis respect, as I question you.  I just want to know Why am I here, what is my purpose?  But more importantly..What is yours?