Why I Don't Write

I am a writing teacher, a fact that causes me to shudder every time I begin to think about writing something on my own.  You would think that writing would be easy for me - at least, easier than for most people, but it's not.  Being a writing teacher creates added pressure to do well.  What if my writing stinks?  What if I can't do it?  What if I just sit there and nothing comes out?  What if I finally get all my ideas down, and put them into something coherent, but when I let the first person read my "stuff", they politely suggest that I keep trying?  What if....?

I am not just a writing teacher, I am a good one.  I am sort of defined by that.  The work that my students do is good work.  I guide them carefully through the writing proceess, introducing more and more conventions and "tools", leading them through the thought processes, encouraging their efforts,  coaching and prodding them until writing becomes easy (and valuable) for even the most reluctant writers in my classes.

My co-educators admire the work I do and emulate my ideas in their classrooms.  My principal comes to me when there are writing problems to be solved on campus.  Other professionals come to me when a letter or a document needs to be proofread or edited before being mailed off. 

I am identified by my writing expertise, so why don't I write?  Because I am terrified.  It's as simple as that, and as complicated as that.  I am the perfect example of the person who does nothing because a failure would alter my perception of myself.  It would rip my self-confidence to shreds, and it would create doubt about my abilities in the people who have faith in me.

So....here I sit, wanting to be a writer, wanting desperately to write, but never writing anything.  Ah, it's just not right.