Ranting

Many things have happened. I haven't heard from my dad, which I think is worse than hearing from him. I really am in a miserable point in my life. I don't seem to care about anything. I was almost kidnapped and raped over the break, which my mom blamed on me by the way, and I'm sure right now you are reading over the sentence to see if in fact I did make a mistake, I didn't.. so I guess I should explain now...


I really had the itch to go walking, walking and thinking, and it was sunset, and cool outside, and so I decide that I'm was going to get out. I told my mom that I was going on a quick walk, and she said chipperly that that was fine. So off I go, just a two three block stroll, and I notice this guy. I don't think much of it, he looks like he's looking for someone, but I keep to my business and keep walking. The ironic thing was I was angry. Angry at the world for being so ugly, I was disappointed and hurt by the disgusting people of the world, and over my ipod I hear baby birds chirping, and it warmed my heart. I began to enjoy the breeze, enjoy the scenery, and really began to feel better. I'm more than half way home, and the same guy comes up to me and stops me. I was caught off guard, and he asks me my name, and nervously I reply. He asks me where I live and I point in the opposite direction. Soon after I say goodbye and carry on with my walk, curious and cautious to make sure he wasn't going to follow me. As soon I begin to walk away, he grabs my arm and turns me around, and grittly asks me if I want to go home with him. I forcefully pull my arm from his grip and reply with a sharp no. I begin to walk again, and he runs in front of me, grabs me, and tells me I didn't really have a choice. That the second he saw me, he decided that he was going to have me. ( And of course I'm telling this much cleaner then what had actually happened, partly because I'm embarrassed, and partly because I don't want to divulge in it) I pull away once again, and he pushes me up againist one of those tall wooden fences... at this point I wasn't scared, but angry. Don't think I was foolish, because I did realize the potiental danger I was in. So I'm pushed up againist the fence, being groped, and I everything angering, disappointing, and hurtful came to mind. Somehow (and this shouldn't have happened) when I pushed the guy away from me, he fell. This guy was a big guy, not big like fat, but a big built guy. As soon as he fell, I ran. I'm an extremely fast runner (some random fact you didn't know about me). I'm running, I'm two blocks away, and I'm getting whistles, and rude shovenistic comments from my neighbors, trying to lure me into their yard, as if I'm an idiot. I do get in the house, and no one is home. I lock all my doors, and my mind is racing. I need someone to talk to, I need to hear a voice. Finally my mom comes home, and we both agree that there isn't much that the police can do. Then she goes on this rant on how stupid I was. And I do know she was just scared, and I also know how long this has gotten, and I suppose this is a situation where I just need to feel like I'm talking to someone. You somehow always seem to be the person that has to bear this task, anyway... so my mom blamed it on my stupidity.

I really do hate guys. I hate the attention that I get. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! At school, when I'm walking to the library, when I'm walking with my sister, when I'm in the store, anywhere I go.. ah! And yes I do think it is justifible that I complain because yes I much rather be ugly and have no attention towards me then have all of this. I don't go around parading myself either. I don't go looking for this trouble.

Everyone just leaves everything up to me. You know, you are the only one to ask me about me, or my dad. I was surprised, no.. shocked. I am too much of a good actor. It is my own fault, but do I really want the help of those around me? No I don't. So I'm placing myself in a situation where I can't be helped, to where now I am indifferent to every damn thing. I don't want to graduate, I don't want to go to college, if my life were to end right now, it would be perfectly fine with me. I'd feel accomplished, I'd be welcoming.

I don't get pleasures out of anything. Not even math (and don't laugh at me about this either) I used to love doing math. Now its just something to complete. I feel like a machine. I only function, and yes we all do, and yes I should function, but I should feel too. I want to feel. I want to feel anything. I know if I am going to feel anything, it will be pain. I want it, I want to think with my heart again. Chest pains, headaches and indifference is what I am. Its consumed me and I don't know where to go or who to talk to. As if anyone would give a damn anyway.  Everything feels like plastic.

Sorry for always ranting to you, and not talking to you.

Leslie