Imperitive

Get out of bed and remember that there is a world outside. Walk down the street and suppress the urge to keep walking, to lose yourself in a crowd, to be free from your responsibilities. Think of your old lover and remember how you rushed him into bed only to be pushed out of it. Become angry at him, and feel relief that you are not crying.

Walk faster, and try to think of a destination. Pass a bus stop and consider waiting there with the people. Consider getting on and staring at the people from behind your sunglasses. Decide you cannot sit still and wait for the bus.

Pass a young couple with a baby. Remember your old lover again and how he said he wanted children. Blush for a moment and then wipe your tears.

Remember reading once about the goddess Pillaiyar, remover of obstacles. Ask her to move you out of your own way. Walk faster so that you cannot catch yourself. Run. Notice the bus passing you and lean to the side to avoid being hit by mud.

Stop when you reach the water.

Breath.

Slow yourself down and take a moment. Notice the ducks on the water. Count the baby ducklings: 20. Think of how peaceful they are swimming on the water. Let the stillness of the water still your mind. Remember that you are connected to the universe, and even to these ducklings that you have driven by every day on your way to work. Think of the fence that blocks your path to the water as an obstacle. Think of Pillaiyar. Remove the obstacle. Climb the fence. Sit down by the water. Wish for them to come near you and feel sad as your presence scares them away.

Notice the sun set.

Smile when a friend comes and sits next to you. Wonder what he is doing here. Say hello. Ask him to go get coffee.

He will say no, that it is too late, and suggest an adult beverage. Agree to this. Go get liquored up.

When it is time to leave the bar, be confused and follow him to his place. Be exhausted and lie down on his couch. He will try to kiss you. Push him onto the floor. Laugh with him when he falls. Turn on the telivision and fall asleep to Extra! Extra!

Wake up to Katie Couric. Wake up with his arm around you and his face relaxed. Think of how peaceful he looks.

Get up and make coffee. Pee. Use his mouthwash. Peek in the medicine cabinet.

Come out of the bathroom and look through the cabinets and drawers. Locate a spoon, creamer and sweetener. Prepare your coffee. Wonder how he takes his. Decide to let him make his own.

Notice that you are dizzy and sit down. Put your hand in your head. Be happy that nothing foolish happened and piece together your memories of last night. Remember the ducks, and then the bar, remember the shots of tequila. Smile as you remember singing along to the juke box and that second when your friend put his hand on your back.

Decide that there was no spark. Finish your coffee. Leave him a note. Go home.