Solice

The ignition was turned and the engine roared to life but the car didn’t move. It merely vibrated in the same place.
What now? What can I do?
I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t think. I was stuck. Cold and ghastly hands held my lungs, throat, arms and legs and yet somehow I was sweating. Tiny beads of sweat lined my entire body and weighed my arms and legs down.
Run? Where too?
I’m too scared to run. They’ll find me. It’s a new age now and even though we the people don’t have any real access to technology it still managed to be the enemy of every free thinking man and woman. Can I still call myself a free thinker? Do I have the right o call myself anything of the sort? I ran didn’t I. I ran like a coward . I got in this car. The car I’m sitting in and floored it. They chased me. My God did they chase me. Four cars in all and only three had sirens and the blaring lights that tended to go with sirens. The thought of the fourth car chasing me made me shiver. There was no doubt in my soul of who the owners of the fourth car were. The silent police.
The car faltered and I turned the engine off again. Running away wasn’t hard in a densely populated area like this. I guess it was one of the positives of having a piece of shit for a car. It looked just like everyone else’s. in fact all I had to do in the chase was stop. But I didn’t stop out of bravery or quick thinking. I’d given up.
Why run? What’s the point?
Should I run? No I’m already dead, they’d already killed me before I’d even started running.

“Did you reach anyone today?” Sun asked poking her head out of the kitchen just when I stepped into our tiny two bed room apartment.
“Think I was close today. But not a single child raised their hand or added any input. I could have said anything and it wouldn’t have mattered. All they did was stare” I said closing the door behind me.
“Isn’t that what a teacher wants?”
“No. Any teacher that wants absolute silence throughout is no teacher at all.”
“Really? Then what is a teacher?” Came Sun’s voice after she disappeared inside the kitchen. Typical I thought. Sun could drown you in questions and if you tried returning with your own. She’d turn it around on you without a doubt. She didn’t need answers she could live off her own questions. In a way she was like a child. It was probably why I loved her such much.
I rushed behind her and hugged her. She stopped stirring the black boiling pot and held my hands and if to pull them off her but I knew she could have easily pulled me free if she wanted to. Slowly I worked my way up to her hips to her stomach. It was funny how small Sun was. Her skin was so soft that it felt like I was holding cloud till you reached her ribs.
“You want to know what a teacher is? A teacher is a person who inspires his or her students to learn in order to better themselves and the people around them thereby liberating a nation.”
Sun burst out laughing when my fingers tickled her skin as they kept moving upwards.
“Those are strong words. Tell me are you a teacher by that same definition?”
“No I’m not,” I sighed, “My students point that out to me everyday when they just stare at me.” Sun went back to stirring when the pot started bubbling heavily again. Her whole body shook and almost seemed to rattle under my own when she stirred.
“You did teach one child.” She said when I kissed her on her cheek.
“Yes and have you heard from our daughter?”
“I have. Actually I used the internet.” I stopped kissing her immediately. The internet wasn’t something a person used freely.
“Which one?” I asked quickly letting go of her. She felt me tensing on her and stopped stirring.
“Don’t get upset. I used the home one”
Without thinking I stepped back from Sun as if she was some kind of poison. I was trying not to be upset and it was surprisingly hard. The internet was only useable under direct super vision and all out-of-country sites were banned and blocked from everyone. There was no real way to talk freely to our daughter from overseas and most conversations were heavily monitored. We had made our own satellite connection from our own research but we never used it without making precautions and we never used it alone.
“Why Sun? Why did you use it?”
Sun was staring at me now before choosing to examine the floor. There were few things Sun could hide from me one of them was not emotion. She was hiding something.
I cant run. I can’t hide either.
I started the car now that I had regained the ability to move my arms. A siren blared out and I immediately turned the engine off. It was only a medic van. Where they even looking for me? Of course they were. If I could somehow cross the border. There’d be hell to pay. I’d make damn sure of it. I’d tell the world! My daughter would help too. They’d give me my Sun back to me. I wanted her back! The engine shook as a kicked the car seat. I calmed down. I’d never make it. by now every member of the police knew what I looked like. Also I didn’t want to drag my baby into these affairs. She’d be safe with me dead anyway. But I needed to talk to her first.
For the third time the engine roared to life.

“What is it?” I asked her. There was a moment of silence were she just stared. The boiling pot began to burn. I stepped past her and moved the pot. She flinched. Now for the first time I was scared. I’d never touch her if she didn’t want me to. “Damn it Sun what’s happening? Is it our baby?”
“No” Sun cried “It’s nothing important like that. but” she hesitated “I got into an argument”
“So” was my response, it was immediate. I was just dumbfounded about the reason why she thought I’d be upset but slowly the gears in my head started moving and added one and one together. I sighed curious of what would happen next. “with who Sun?”
“Some preacher”
“A real preacher or someone preaching”
“Someone preaching”
“And?”
Sun lifted her sleeve. There was a purple mark on her skin. I was stunned and furious.
“Who did this the ‘preacher!’” I yelled I was really furious now. There was a line that I felt was crossed by touching Sun.
“It wasn’t just the preacher. There were others they said they police but they wore plain clothes. They tried to grab me but I pulled free and lost them in the crowd.”
“I’m sorry Sun” I said hugging her. I didn’t want to let her go at all. Every breathe I took was for her. Thirty years and I still couldn’t imagine living without her. Right now my imagination was driving me mad. Sun could be too inquisitive and playful for her own good. One wouldn’t think such a sharp mind lurked behind her eyes. I had no doubt about what had happened. Sitting on the sides watching our country dissolve deeper into madness and stupidity tested even my patience. I couldn’t imagine how Sun suffered watching it all. Not going to school was encouraged here. Ignorance was a oil the fuelled the power of the police and the idea of plain clothes police and equally dangerous copy cat cops made the government as a whole a fearsome force. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there” Sun hugged me back she was crying now. Sun wore her heart on her sleeve so easily. Maybe I was the mad one by agreeing to live in this country. Here was a woman who couldn’t help but be who she was. And because I didn’t put my foot down about leaving Sun was suffering.
“Sun let’s leave. We’ll move to America or Japan or South Africa. We can forget all this and start over.” Sun cried even louder now. “I can go back to teaching English. You can teach too with you’re studies” Sun sniffed the tears away before she spoke.
“No I won’t leave. Not until we do our part. Even if it’s tiny.”
“Our part in what? What about our D-”
“She knows and she understands.”
I stopped.
“That’s what you were talking about on the internet wasn’t it”
“Yes”
“Sun. What ‘difference’ are you talking about?”

The car revved and I pressed on the accelerator. The car moved slowly out of the drive way. The car turned out and into the street before reaching a shopping mall I’d driven past before but I’d never stopped at. I was stopping today that was for sure. I fixed my collar and got out the car. There was spare tie in the boot. I jiggled the key inside the boot and pulled up on the key. The solid felling of the key turning without obstacles was a relief. The boot opened and I rummaged for my tie. I found it and put it on. It was important to me that I looked the part.

“I’ve been talking to people” Sun said losing her tearful face for a determined one.
“Which people about what?”
“Friends and family about our daughter and how we can’t talk to her without risking jail.”
“and did it turn out well?”
“I think it did actually. I was impressed by what some people said”
“I don’t really care what they said Sun. I only care what you said. You should know that there’s a chance that they were fishing for you’re input on the government.” Sun pulled away from me and dished into two plates “So Sun? what did you say?” I sad pressing her on this issue.
“Only what I feel” Sun said flatly.
Typical I thought again.
“When did you do all this ‘talking’” I asked slowly holding myself from losing my mind.
“The past month” I was still fuming but if nothing had happened in the past month then chances were that nothing was going to happen.
I left the kitchen to the window of our bedroom. It wasn’t a big room but it wasn’t a big apartment. I took off my tie and unbuttoned my shirt without taking it off. I opened the window and a soft breeze cooled my skin but not my mind. Sun wouldn’t leave and if she didn’t leave then I wouldn’t leave either. It was as simple as that. Looking out of the window lights below attracted my attention. We were three stories up and you couldn’t see much other than the parking and the opposite apartments parking. The lights belonged to more than one car in our parking, which was something that rarely happened. Some of the lights looked a lot like police lights.

I stepped into an internet café. There was a guard there but I brushed past him. I went straight for the clerk.
“I’m in a rush I need to hand in important results to the head of schools”
He didn’t seem to care at all. But then again why should he? He nodded and stuck out his hand. I really didn’t want to cause a scene and I could see that guard taking a second look back at me and the clerk. I had no choice. I took out my identification and handed it to the clerk. The clerk checked it to see if was real. I knew it had a stamp that said teacher on it so my story defiantly checked out. After almost a minute he nodded and logged me on. As I expected there was no one on a PC for the whole café. Internet cafés were for show only. They wee there so when the outside world looked we could say we have it. I sat on the furthest PC and typed quickly. As expected all sites that were useful to me were shut down. Sun had showed me how to find a proxy site. And showed me how to exploit it to its fullest. I logged on to GMail and wrote my message. I hadn’t read English in a while and the sudden change was disorienting. I wrote my message for my daughter who was offline. I was grateful for that. It made writing this so much easier.

Police lights? Inside our parking lot? I’d never seen that before. I tried to ignore it by looking at the other windows of the opposite flat instead. All lights were on but only a few apartment looked active. Slowly I started to notice a trend. Faces were appearing in widows. They had noticed the lights too. My curiosity muddled with my mind but all my thoughts seemed to settle on one undeniable fact.
Something was happening.

DAUGHTER THIS MAY BE THE LAST MASAGE I CAN SEND TO YOU

There was knock on the door.
“Sun?” I called out and Sun called back oblivious of the commotion below. The knock repeated but louder this time. I steeped out of the room just as the door burst open. Sun screamed and before I could think of anything I was already running. Three shots fired. All I could hear in my head was Sun’s scream. I’d never heard her scream like that. I sprinted into the room in time to see Sun fall dead. With three bloody holes in her chest and head. Stunned I ran toward her and turned away in time to avoid getting shot. I could hear shouting and then running. I ran into my room and shut the door behind me. Within seconds the door burst open but I was gone from their views hanging precariously out my own window. My heart was racing so hard it hurt my ribs and my ears were ringing painfully. My strained fingers and eyes were burning up. Now was not the time to mourn! I yelled in my head. Turing around I saw faces staring at me but none looking in the least willing to help. They’d all seen me before but they would be told that I was a terrorist and that would be that for them and that would be what I was from then onwards. I was three stories up hanging and I was losing my strength fast.

I WANT START BY SAYING THAT I’M SORRY BUT YOU’RE MOTHER IS DEAD. SHE’S BEEN SHOT BY THE POLICE. I’M SORRY BABY. I’M REALLY REALLY SORRY. THAT’S NOT ALL I WANTED TO TELL YOU. ALSO YOU MUST NOT COME BACK. PLEASE DON’T COME BACK HERE. THE REST OF OUR FAMILY WILL TAKE CARE OF US EVEN WHEN WE BOTH DIE. IF YOU WERE TO EVER LISTEN TO ME, CONSIDERING THAT YOU NEVER DO, LISTEN TO ME NOW. DO THAT FOR ME AND SUN.

Death seemed to be staring me in the face grinning at me ready to swallow me whole. I tried to avoid thinking about the ground. the only other thing I could see was Sun’s face. I looked down and the ground was all I could think off again. Some one stuck their head out of my room window the same second some one opened theirs a floor below. I jumped scraping my fingers against the walls until they found the window ledge and froze in place. I was staring my neighbour in the eyes now. He didn’t move a inch. There I was hanging on the second floor and all he could do was fucking stare. Ignorance and just plain stupidity was an amazing thing. I shuffled across the widow and jumped again. I hit the next widow safe again before I jumped off the first floor. I landed on a car and I fell hard. Windows shattered around me and I lay hurt but surprisingly not broken. My car! I thought desperately searching for it till I found it.

DON’T RUN AWAY FROM IFE MY CHILD. INSTEAD LEARN FROM THIS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A HERO TO MAKE A DIFFEENCE. YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD NOT WHEN THERES SOMEONE WILLING TO LISTN TO YOU. LEARN FROM THIS MOMENT, LEARN FROM US, LEARN FROM THE WORDS OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED BEFORE YOU.
LEARN SO OTHERS MAY LEARN.

I looked up from the screen and realised that someone was calling me. I looked more carefully and realised it was the guard. I ignored him and finished writing the last thing my daughter would ever hear from me. I typed faster. He was calling me by my full name now. I typed faster than I’d ever typed before. I waved back at him and I raced to finish my message. The thought of this being my last message filled my lungs with poison. I could taste it in my throat. The guard gave up on calling me and strode towards my PC. I clicked send and watched as it viewed a sending screen. It sent finally and I logged off. The guard grabbed my collar just as I switched off the whole window. He was talking but my stunned fear of being held by the guard made me deaf. He was leading me to the clerk now. I stepped ahead and kicked back in time to catch him in the groan. He fell slowly and my other foot helped him down with a kick to the head. I broke into a run and the clerk tried to get in my way. I blasted into him using my greater size and momentum. Within a minute I was in my car again turning the key for the fourth time and like ‘old faithful’ the car’s engine roared to life. Beyond thought I began pulling and pushing on levers and sticks I couldn’t think of let alone name. My car roared into action as if listening my soul’s request rather than what my hands and feet were doing. I say my soul because my mind was dead. The sweating had returned but the hands that held before had never once let go of me, not since the moment that my house door had burst open.
Where am I going? What am I doing?
I was driving but I didn’t know where to. All I could think was that it was ‘away’. Thats what mattered. The security guard had spoken but he couldn’t have known about me or his gun would have been out or he would have brought assistance. What had he wanted then? It didn’t matter, what did matter to me was that my name was probably being run on a police wanted list right now and the murderers who killed Sun knew where I was or at least had an idea of where I was. I wish I knew where I was, I thought numbly to myself.
Ten minute passed and the car stopped. My hands moved to the gears moving the stick to park. I watched myself turn the key and the listened as the engine died down. I felt like a puppet being played by an invisible force. When I looked out my door a smile etched on my face for a second before my sadness took hold. Is was outside my school. If anyone led me here it would have been Sun. She knew I wasn’t going to leave. The car I felt had helped too.
My car wasn’t new . It wasn’t any where near new. Rust lined various parts of the car’s exterior. Time had worn out the edges of the seat and the leather dashboard. The engine was twice as old as the car looked but somehow it never let me down. And now I wasn’t going to ride it anymore someone else would own it or tear it up. I was grateful that it had taken me so far.
I absently checked my hair in the rear view mirror. Tear lines stained my face. I’d been crying and I hadn’t even realised it until now. The funny thing about wiping tears away is that the act of cleaning had a knack of making you look worse. My eyes were red and my tears welled up all over again to replace the ones wiped away. Great now I AM crying! I thought as I dried my eyes. I leaned on the steering wheel for comfort. I used the worn thin leather of the steering wheel as a shoulder to cry on as I beat the frustration, the finality of my pending death and my anger of not being able to do any thing out of my soul. I screamed as loudly as I could spitting out the salty tears and mucus that flowed into my mouth. I screamed again shaking the whole car but it wasn’t enough. No amount of screaming would be enough to turn back the hands of time. No amount of screaming could give me Sun back but I screamed anyway. I screamed until I couldn’t scream or cry anymore.

Slowly I worked my way out my car and fixed my tie. I opened the boot and pulled out my suitcase. It was a good thing I did everything outside y\my home or I would have left the suitcase.
My school wasn’t a big one and only had a few classrooms. One teacher taught one class all subjects till the end of the year. I was half an hour late and I prayed they hadn’t phoned my home. When you are late you’re supposed to report to report to main office but there wasn’t chance in hell of that happening not today anyway. I opened the door and entered the school. The whole school had only two passages that crossed to form a T. I walked across the passage watching the walls in case my eye met another person’s before I got to class. All the walls had not a single piece of art that belonged to the kids of this school. The only picture to be seen was that was of the man who killed my wife and countless others with his regime. I prayed for the day it would end but I knew I’d never see that day. It was a day Sun wouldn’t see either. I found myself involuntarily punching the wall just less than an inch from the picture of my future murderer. Instant jail would have been my fate even without last nights events. I stopped at my classroom door struck still by my own fear.
What was I doing? What the hell was I doing?
To my surprise there was another teacher there inside. Did they already know? it didn’t mater if they did. I opened the door fast and caught the female teacher by surprise.
“Good morning!” I said extending my hand at her. She almost flinched from my hand but eventually took it and I gently held her hand and led her unstoppably out of my classroom comforting any complaints she had.
“Thank you but I’ll finish the class”
“but I thought”
“yes well I’m sure you did. Good bye.” And with that I slammed the door in her face. Now thirty-five students ranging from ages eight to ten stared me in the face. There were times when just looking at all of them was overwhelming. But most of the time when I looked at their young faces which held blank expressions that didn’t suggest that they wanted to learn at all. I found myself struck by sadness again. The most success faces like these would get would be that of the simple order following police who killed my Sun. Most of them if not all would melt into the simple working industry. Sewing, moulding and mining was their futures but I knew in my soul there was a leader in at least one of these kids. It would only need to be one child. Even if that child wasn’t my own daughter but one of them.
The whole class stood up in a rush of screeching desks.
Of course what could a child do when I couldn’t anything? We were two and the mere idea change had ruined my everything. Did I have the right? Who the hell was I to put much pressure on so few when they were so young? It wasn’t pressure though. I just wanted to add a question mark. You’ll be amazed what a simple question mark will do to anyone, I told myself. I blinked and realised that they were all waiting for me to return their greeting and seat them again.
“Good morning sit down. What book do you have today?” I pointed to my shortest student. She stood up and shouted ‘history’ before sitting promptly with the rest of the class. I sighed. I didn’t have the right books but I didn’t need them I reminded myself yet again.
“Okay close your books and listen. Because chances are you’ll never hear this from anyone ever again. Not from me, you’re parents or any other in here. Okay?”
I got silence
“Who wants to travel the world?” I tried that first. I needed an ice breaker.
There was silence that was only punctuated by their staring.
Have I wasted my time? What would Sun do?
“have you ever left the city?” I tried again
Not a single hand was raised.
“you don’t have to wait for me to call any of you. So who has left the city?”
Again not a single hand was raised. I called up the girl again. She shook her head.
“Why?” I asked
“I don’t know” she replied looking scared as if I was going to bite her for not knowing.
“Why don’t you know?” I was grinning now. It seemed to add to easing the mood. She shrugged. I got the same reply from every single child. Not one had left city limits. I was surprised.
“Okay lets try this has anyone seen an elephant before?”
One hand raised and my heart soared. This was finally a start. The students saw that their boundary which they had to adhere to strictly was stretched and they weren’t held back by a boundary that wasn’t there. For the first time ever this was the closest thing I’d seen to a child acting like a child.
“What does it look like? Show me.”
The boy spread his arms to show it’s size, he also spread his legs. He then stuck his shoulder to his nose and waved his arms. I burst out laughing and members of the class grew slow smiles. If the children mentioned this to anyone I’d be out of a job. School wasn’t for having fun. It was for learning and if you weren’t learning then it was time to work. That was the way it worked here.
“What does it sound like?” I asked still laughing. The rest of the class laughed as a whole when they all heard him make his elephant noise.
“Okay can anyone think of any other animal they’d seen?”
To my surprise there were quite a few hands up, at least half the class. I let them all have a chance at being an animal. It was such a simple game but I could tell that it was something that effected them well. Maybe they needed it as much as I did? I was exhausted from all my laughing. I laughed so hard tears ran down my face. I was crying while laughing all the time wishing Sun was here.
But I was wasting time.
“Kids. I want to tell you something. Like animals there are a lot of different people. Some are scary like lions!<Roar!> other are mean like snakes<hiss>” and others are quiet like mice or silly monkeys!” I got a tiny patch of laughter. In terms of me breaking the ice with he children. It was like watching the polar ice caps melt. There was a face by the door of my classroom. A face I’d never seen before on school grounds. I ignored the face. This repetua I had with these children was a rush. Then the one face became three. I was running fast out of time now. I sighed heavily trying not to cry.
“Listen I don’t have the time. So I’ll say this quick. School isn’t about knowing things” I said flipping through my history book and throwing out the window. Much to the amazement of my pupils.
“School is about learning and understanding the world and each other so you can all grow as people”
There was a knock on the door.
“Do you know how you learn?” Do you want to know how to better understand things? You do simply what I’m doing.” Do you know what that is? I’ve already done it three times. Still confused? Now I’ve done it four times. What you should do is… ASK QUESTIONS!” Raise you’re hand and ask a question. You’ll be amazed how much you can understand just by asking and looking for the answers. Of all the rubbish I’ve been teaching you let this be the one you remember” The door opened and armed police barged in. But for a reason I couldn’t understand I was smiling I even started laughing. The police’s confusion only to added to my amusement. I didn’t resist my arrest but I was pulled anyway. Each and every child was standing and they had their hand up to the police and the headmaster. Tears for the tenth time welled up in my eyes it was too beautiful to ignore before I left I winked at my students and waves waved good bye. Suddenly I felt like I wasn’t just staring at the faces of the future main working class I was looking at leaders and fighter who would surpass their parents and expect to be surpassed by their own children. They looked like the faces that I had originally wanted to teach when I had taken my masters degree and chosen to teach with it. I saw all that in the one second I had before I was pulled out of the class room. The door slammed behind me and I was now being led out the passage by gun point.
“What’s you’re greatest fear?” I asked one of the guards. Something solid hit the back on my temple and my knees buckled. The police pulled me up again. “fine. I’ll tell you what it is. Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but rather that we are powerful beyond measure.” I felt the heavy and solid form a pistol against my head. “it is our light that scares us not our dark” we left he school passage another plain clothed police man was shouting while holding the pistol. Ignored him since it looked like the other police were listening “We ask our selves who are we to be magnificent? But in truth the better question” . The gun cocked “who are we not to- ”

“ be magnificent. And when we liberate our selves. We automatically give others the ability to liberate themselves” Seo said reading the message her fingers were shaking. She couldn’t hold back her tears anymore. She’d been trying not to cry in front of the camera in front of her. She apologised when the reporter gave her a tissue.
“Its okay to cry Seo.” Seo couldn’t stop crying though. This moment was exactly the same as when she had received the email the previous year. She had respected her fathers wishes until she found out what happened to him. Now Seo wanted to go back home.
Seo sucked it up until finally she was able to talk again.
“Before we end this interview is there anything you’ like to add. Something you’d like you’re country to hear? ” Seo nodded weakly with her make up all over the place.
“I know what happened to mother and my father. Their deaths won’t deter me from getting their views across. You can’t blind our people from seeing the world that surrounds tem and you can’t hide you’re evil from the outside world either. I’ll survive for my parents and my country. and even if I were to die I know what I would be survived by my family and countless other who oppose the governments way of thinking. I will get my message across to the people I love by this I promise. I know people inside are already waking up. It’s only a question of time before I am able to bury my parents with honour. You can bet on that.”