Rendezvous

Rendezvous


Pacing about the mall with frantic mind, racing heart, and sweating palms, I wait. The anticipation is almost too overwhelming to bear. The fear is palpable. I check my look in the reflection from storefront windows. I wonder if I will be received or rejected. I’m worried. It seems to last an eternity, the waiting!
And then, almost without warning, I glance through the crowd and see her, standing there, searching. Suddenly, there were no other faces but hers. No sounds, no movements, no one else present. Time stands still as I watch her every move, as if in slow motion. Each twist of her head as she searches, each blink of her eyes, the slight parting of her tender lips as she breathes, the flow of her hair, all there for me to drink in and satiate a thirst in me long lost through the tragedy of time. And for this brief moment, I’m young once more. I allow myself a fleeting dream, a fantasy sweet and complete. A fabrication of convivial events filled with laughter and contentment where the responsibilities of our everyday lives hold no sway. But soon the search has ended and I am found.
For a moment, we are frozen in each other’s glances. As if the preparations for this rendezvous were just an exercise, never actually expecting the event to take place, a hope too lofty for either of us to expect to come true. And yet, there we are. I see the expression on her face begin to soften from anticipation to exultation. I see her smile widen and her eyes brighten as she recognizes the familiar face in the crowd that she was longing to find. We begin to move toward each other. I feel my pulse quicken as the distance between us closes. What do I do?! Should I remain stalwart and simply, politely, gentlemanly say hello, maintaining proper distance? Should I reach for her hand, make contact, and greet her with cordial words? Should I allow myself the almost unimaginable pleasure of taking her in my arms and embracing her, fully and lovingly, with passion and intent? Please, Dear Lord, do not let me falter. Let me show her how I’ve missed her without frightening her away!
Like a scene from an old black and white Bogart and Bacall movie, it happened! As if scripted, without thinking, and no words spoken, we came into each other’s arms. Oh sweet embrace, strong and sure. As natural as the rain falling outside, as right as the frightened cry of a newborn, or as proper as a mothers kiss goodnight, we held each other with strength and tenderness. An affirmation of a bond surviving beyond the time and distance that separated us. A bond between two souls tied securely by the thread of caring and bound by respect. I feel myself lifting her slightly off the floor. I wish to raise her up, high above me, as if to remove her from the world to which we both are so firmly attached and allow her to be set free. I wish for her to feel my strength and know that she is always safe in my arms. I wish for her to know that these arms will always protect her from the abuse of the world around us and to remember this embrace after we have once again parted. Slowly, I lower her back down. We remain embraced. I feel her hair against my cheek as she rests her head on my shoulder. I feel the strength of her arms around me and wonder if she is wishing the same thoughts for me or if there are more profound ideas she is trying to impart. I sense the tightness in her shoulders lighten for just that moment, as the burdens of her everyday life are allowed to be shed. I feel her breathing. I feel her subtle movements, as a child would move to snuggle closer to its mother as if to try to fill any microscopic void that still may set between them. I feel elated, humbled and enchanted. And in what seemed to be far too short a time, we released each other.
I stumble over the greetings, my mind still overwhelmed with the thought of her actually standing in front of me at arms length. I see her eyes searching my soul for the kindred spirit left behind from our last encounter. I see her smile reassuring me of her joy at our meeting. I babble and hope she realizes that I have lost all control at the sight of her and I’ll need time to recover. I’m dumbstruck. We turn and start walking along the storefronts, making idle chatter and really just beginning to settle down to being ourselves once again. I lag behind slightly just to see her walking before me. I see grace in her motions. She walks with poise and character. She exudes confidence with every step. I cannot compete and remain detached. My gait is awkward and somewhat disjointed. Were I to walk close by her side I would surely diminish the beauty of her stride. And besides, there are still proprieties to be exercised, social standards to be observed. I must remain the gentleman, much to my chagrin! At a kiosk a salesman grabs her attention with his magic potions. He rubs her hands with a lotion and shines her nails with a scrub designed to impress and dazzle her. She smiles and laughs at his witticisms, always the lady. I walk away slightly pretending to be interested in something through another storefront window. I’m jealous of the man with the persuasive tones and the subtle ways that has her captured, if only for this moment. I move close to her and whisper that she can ‘just walk away’ but she doesn’t. I shrug my shoulders and allow the game to be played on to the end.
She returns to my side with her treasures in a colorful bag and a smile. She takes my arm around hers and we proceed, arm in arm, shoulder-to-shoulder, and heart to heart along the promenade. Improprieties be damned! Let everyone see. I’m with her and she’s with me. Let them judge if they must, the awkward old man with the beautiful younger woman. Let them see the bond that we have and they will envy us. Let them feel the touch of the spirit that surrounds us and they will find happiness. And let me revel in the ecstasy of her touch, if only for the next few hours.
My mind swims with the thoughts of youth tempered by the wisdom of age. All my fantasies from the first moment I saw her begin to resurface and I find myself fighting for control once again. With her right arm around my left, I reach over and hold her right hand with my right. I feel her brush against me at every step. I adjust my stride to match hers. We are joined, body and spirit. And I realize that I am now in control. I sweep away the fantasies from my mind like so much dust before the broom. Fantasies are for the young who have not yet earned the privilege of happiness. They generate self-indulgent scenarios to perpetuate the myth that happiness is found by the acquisition of some worldly distraction, never realizing that happiness is only found from within and can only be brought forth after suffering the tragedies of life. Happiness is undefined in youth and mentally supplanted by pleasure. No contrived fantastic set of events could possibly improve on the feelings I have with her now at my side. I would walk through Hell for her, but for now I’ll let her lead me through Heaven.
We stopped for lunch at a busy restaurant. I really didn’t need food. I was already satisfied, ‘full’ if you will. We talked about everything and nothing. We laughed at shared memories and cried when recounting painful tales of past tragedies. I studied the expressions on her face with intense scrutiny. I did not want to miss anything! Every grin, every nod, every blink held meaning and I wanted it all. I soaked her in like a dry sponge absorbs more than it can hold. I wanted to hold her very essence so that she would need to squeeze me to get it back, knowing full well that no matter how hard she pressed against me, some of her would remain locked in the fiber of my being. I wanted her to do the same. I wanted her to take me in, at least the good parts, and let my spirit brace her up when the burden of life presses down upon her. I wanted her to want me, with al my frailties, to draw upon me for strength in time of need, joy in time of sorrow, solace in time of woe. To be called upon, day or night, at a moments notice, because I would always be there, within her. If I could have rubbed Aladdin’s lamp at that moment, that would have been wish number one for the genie to fulfill.
We finished our meals and continued, arm and arm, strolling from store to store. We talked incessantly, as if a lifetime needed to be packed into this one short adventure. Occasionally she would lean in toward me and I would kiss her on the forehead. She would respond with a gentle nuzzle against my shoulder, showing her acceptance. Sometimes we would separate while inspecting the wares, but never far enough away to be out of sight of one another. We would pull each other closer at times by holding waists and joining at the hip, as if some force of nature was directing us to do so. It all felt so right.
We talked our throats dry. We rested by the windows at the food concessions and shared a cold drink. The rain continued to fall outside giving a somber light through the windows. An eerie pall settled upon our conversation as we began to bare our souls to each other. Fragments of shattered lifetimes began to be retrieved, almost as if in an attempt to display them to another kinder and gentler spirit with the hopes of identifying where in this grand puzzle they belong. I saw the water well up in her eyes as she fought back the tears when discussing her past difficulties, and mine. We wrestled with the semantics of language trying to portray that, which can only be felt. We spoke of falling down. We spoke of getting up. We spoke of failed relationships, and lost children. We spoke of life, and death, in all its savagery and ecstasy. We spoke with resolve at times, but always with compassion. More importantly, we listened. We shared. It was a situation in which I have not been for many years and I was humbled. To think that she would trust me with such intimacy was almost overwhelming. What have I done to be deserving of such trust. How had I earned it? She had unlocked her soul and handed me the keys for safekeeping. I did not deserve her!
Our conversations left us a little drained, well maybe more than a little! She needed to ‘freshen up’ so I waited for her at the end of the long hallway leading to the facilities. Once again, I was afforded the pleasure of seeing her approach. I watched her coming toward me again but this time the expression on her face was different. She appeared calm, contented, as if all was right with her life and she could embrace tomorrow with renewed purpose. She wrapped me up, once again, in her embrace. We held on tight as the world spun away and left us dancing to the heartbeat of eternity. We were grateful just to be together at that moment. I let her spirit wash over me and felt all my cares, which I previously thought so important, dissolve away. Again, I felt her nuzzle up tight against me but this time it was to let me know that she was there for me. That she was part of me. She did not retrieve her essence but left it within me. Her embraces, strong and lasting, had purpose. She had closed the door to my soul and she remained locked inside. I relinquished my keys to her for safekeeping.
The hour was getting late and we knew the time of parting was at hand. We strolled once again along the storefronts. We watched the people scurrying by. I hadn’t really seen them before now. We were more silent, reveling in each other’s being. No words could describe the sensation of our happiness, so none were tried. We had touched the face of God, and he smiled upon us. There was nothing left for us to do.
As we walked from the mall, we witnessed the most glorious rainbow either of us had ever seen. I told her I had ordered it just for her. We chuckled. We hugged each other one last time and kissed each other’s cheek goodbye. I watched her drive away. She will probably never know how profound this meeting was to me. She will continue with her life and be once again cast into the abyss of the mundane. I hope she remembers me, like this, like it is now. I hope, when she sees another rainbow, she’ll remember this one, and the life she saved today. I hope.