Choice

You wake up in the morning and look around; it’s impossible to tell if you’re moving or standing still. The world around you feels hazy and your eyes are barely open, if they’re open at all. Your mouth tastes of something bitter, sour, you’re unsure of what you had for dinner or if you even ate at all. You remember stumbling, falling down outside. The clouds outside of your window are moving faster then you’ve ever seen, the sun is bright and you see spots. You try to stand up but you’re not sure that your legs are willing to hold you today. Falling out of the bed and onto the floor, you stand up and hold on to the nearest thing – you straighten up your dress and steady yourself.

Falling down only once on your way to the bathroom, when you get there you splash cold water on your face and stare in the mirror. You don’t recognize yourself anymore, your eyes are sunken and empty; you’re certain at the moment you may no longer have a soul. The pain and bruises have taken over your mind and you’re not sure who you’ve become. When did everything go wrong and how did you miss it? You were walking upright one day and then you were on the ground, begging for help, and you haven’t risen again since.

I walk into the room and hand you a wash cloth to wipe off the makeup that is still under your eyes. I am silent and I refuse to say a word, I just watch you as the tears fill your eyes and you realize that I have always been here, waiting for you to come home. I walk into the bathroom, with you and I run the water, a little too hot because I know that will make you feel better. I quietly go into your room and I find something comfortable for you to put on. I gather clothing and a couple of towels. I pick up some of your favorite lotion and I hold it in my hand. I walk back into the bathroom and help you get undressed, the bathtub is almost full and it smells like lavender; the smell will help you relax and control your breathing.

You look up at me, you’re grown up but you look as young as the day that I first held you. I saw you slipping away and I didn’t know what to do; I was never sure how to let you back inside, I’ve waited by the door for you to return to me night after night, day after day. Finally, you’ve come back and slept in your own bed, I don’t know where you’ve been or the things that you’ve done; but baby, those things don’t matter to me, you’re here now and I love you.

I’ve come to the point where I am so broken and dead inside, I’ve gone from everything to nothing all in one year, I was on top and then I crashed to the bottom, obsessed with all of the wrong things. I look into her eyes as she hands me my clothes and I know that I’ve made the right choice, I’ve come home to someone who loves me and is willing to help me stand back up again, on my own feet; I’ve missed her. We’re silent for a long time, we hug and I shake, it will take time but I think that I’m ready to hold her hand again and let her help me up.