Pouring of a Soul

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?" the Swtichfoot song played on the radio as I exited the parking lot of my office. I chuckled as I responded loudly "No! It's not. But that's okay with me...really."

I joined the rest of the traffic on the interstate as I accelerated in my Toyota Corrolla, it was my sports car that my salary as a software engineer had earned me. This really wasn't a bad life when all things were considered - I had the house in the suburbs, the wife waiting at home with a meal to eat, a foster child about to join my household, no major bills. Life was good but I wasn't and I don't know why.

I slammed on the brakes as the tires squealed next to me and a person driving their Mazda Miata zoomed off down the interstate at 90 mph. "Learn to drive you stupid sonofabitch!" I screamed to the interior of my car. Right...like I would actually have the guts to say that to his or her face or even roll my window down. It was obvious to me that the driver was someone important, I was getting in to the passing lane with my signal and they would rather be there so they just entered the lane and roared off, cutting me off and almost causing me to wreck into them but we both made it out and I was okay.

As the highway made its lazy curves, I thought back to all of the things that I felt I was missing...after all, I could drive this road sleeping. I had moved my bass guitar and all of my audio equipment out of the spare bedroom that was going to be my studio so that the foster kids would have a place to stay but even then, I haven't felt like playing for a year or more. I thought of my epic novella that was sure to earn me an award someday...laying untouched on my computer for months and months. I even thought of the thousands of video games that I had always said I would play and never had. Nope...I really wasn't who I wanted to be.

Sometimes I even think...what if I were to die today...what would really change? Would I feel different? I have been walking through life almost wondering what the difference was between sleeping and awake because I surely didn't see much of one. What is life really like after you die anyway? I mean...the Bible tells you that you will be in Heaven when you die...but is it even ready for me yet? I wish I knew answers to complicated stuff like that.

"HOOOONKKKK!" came the sound that woke me up. This time I was being the jerk, I had been so predisposed with my thoughts that I changed lanes without signalling and almost ran this poor guy off the road. Great...now I am no better than that guy I just cursed at. Odds are, the person in the Chevrolet behind me is saying the same thing I told the other driver but about me. That's just great...

"Focus man! Focus!" I told myself as I kept driving. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to cause a wreck. This is rush hour and if I am dumb, I could die! Wait a minute...wasn't I just thinking about how I sometimes didn't care if I died? Now that I think about it, how would I like to die? So many people talk about dying peacefully in their sleep, that's the way I wanted to do it. You know...no intense pain, no suffering, just fall asleep one night and never wake up. I even wonder...what will happen when you die...do you just vanish?

I wanted to vanish when I saw that sudden pillar of light coming at me. I don't even know what it was. I just saw the bright light that flashed so brilliantly that it blinded me. Shit! That was a loud explosion! I wonder what's going on outside. But wait a minute, I am outside already...when did that happen? Wait a minute...where am I and why am I outside?

A quick look around helped me realize that I am at the intersection of the two big highways but...walking along the grassy edge? Why? Where's my car? I fumble for my cell phone and can't find it. That's right...I took it out of its holdster and set it in my car! Shit! Of course I would leave my phone in my car when I really need it. But...why didn't I grab it when I got out of the car? I don't even remember getting out of the car. What the hell is this about?

No longer able to handle it, I dropped to my knees and then my rump as I slide on to the grassy knoll by the highway. My head hurts and I am really tired. Man...I really do need to get more sleep than 5 hours a night but I just...I just can't make myself sleep that often. But I can tell the sleep lack is taking it's toll because now that I am tired everything is getting hazy. It's like I have my eyes watering but there's no water. Well...I am safe up here on the knoll...let's just...take a...nap.

There...that wasn't so bad. Now...let me get my bearings here. Okay...wait a minute, this is my house! How did I get here? I watched helplessly as all these strange people were digging through my things. Why are these people in my house? Where's my wife? I want these people out of my house but I can't find the will to say something to them. Dammit! I am always so tame and quiet, I really need to rip into these people. This lady here looks like she is going somewhere...I can corner her and find out what this is all about.

As I rounded the corner I saw my wife. At least, I think it is my wife, her face just looks almost fuzzy. Come to think of it, all of these peoples' faces look fuzzy. Man...I really should sleep more, now it is even messing with my vision. But now that I know it's her, why is she crying? I haven't seen her cry like this in years...wait...never. She is in hysterics! Okay what did this freaky lady I followed say to her? Now she's crying more! I'll teach her to not make my wife cry.

But if I love her so much, why can't I even move? I feel like I am stepping towards her but I don't even have the will to move. Why can't I move? Okay...hold on. Who are these people that just showed up? They seem familiar and yet...their faces are fuzzy too. Hold on, I know these people...they are my friends. And now, they are hugging her in a huge circle and she really has lost it. She's shaking now. Now they are crying? Okay...I really need to do something about this now! My friends shouldn't cry, they haven't done that since we were kids.

I feel so empty now, I am drained. It's like I lost something very big to me and I don't even know what it is. What is this pain? Why do I hurt so much now? This wasn't happening a few minutes ago. For some reason, watching my friends act this way makes me feel very pained. Why won't someone tell me what's going on? I scream aloud for someone to help me but nothing happens. Wait...can you see me? Can you hear me? Why not?

Now things are starting to move really fast. How did I get to this place? Wait...this is my mother's house. But no one is even here...I don't get it. It is then that she walks in to the room. I moved to see her face but it is all fuzzy too. Wait...that was a loud gasp I just heard. My mom doesn't look so good. Now, I feel like I have lost part of my own body...this hurts so bad...I don't get it. Why do I hurt even more? I am feeling so heavy.

Okay...now someone else is here with my mom. Thank God! She feels like she really does need someone. Hey...that person...he's my father. Hey dad, can't you see me waving here? I am so glad you got to see mom. Wait...I can't talk. He is holding my mother now and she looks like she is even worse than my wife...she is grabbing and clawing at my dad and he is holding her down. Why are you holding her down dad? That's right...you can't hear me.

I feel like I weigh 5 tons. Everything around me is so...heavy. I don't understand why I have these emotions, I...I just feel like I am starting to forget my own name and my own face. I don't get it. I just wanted to take a nap. But now that I napped I feel like I am much worse than I used to be. Where am I now? This is like some sort of long hallway.

Okay, now I am really confused...there are two paths in front of me, one of them looks pretty unsafe, lots of rotted wood and holes in the ceiling. It's a good thing that path is boarded up and locked...I wouldn't even want to know what's going on in that part of the hall. This one on the other side is all bright and golden, the ground looks firm and strong...yeah, I am definitely glad I chose to go this way. So down this path I have chosen.

Now things are much brighter, my eyes feel like they are seeing pure light and everything is washed in it. But, all of these faces, those are my friends, my family, my wife. They look as though they have been crying for days but now...a small smile is on their face. That's a good thing...but I still don't know what's going on. Where is this place?

Hey! I remember this place, this is my church! But why are all these people here that I know? Why is the pastor talking to all of my friends and family? I mean...the air here is much lighter but...I don't like the way things are looking. This looks like a...a...funeral. I never liked these things.

Okay...there is a coffin here but it's closed. I can't even move my hands to open it, it's too heavy. I just...I feel like I want to rip this coffin lid open but I can't. I can't even move. Come to think of it...every time I have tried to do anything lately it hasn't been working out. The lack of sleep must be hurting my endurance...but I don't feel tired, just heavy.

Just when I got comfortable the doors are opening and everyone is leaving. Wow...there are alot more people here than it looked like. I know these people even though I don't even remember some of their names, but they were good people. Even my friends in the military are here...how did they get off? This isn't a holiday is it? What day is it even?

That tears it, I know what this is. We are at a grave-side service for someone. All of these people are gathered around this area for one person...they must be really special to have this many people at the funeral...I wonder if I even know this person. He sure seems to know all of the people I know. Oh no! I hope none of my friends died...that would be terrible...they would feel even heavier than I do and I can't imagine that.

This part really is sad, everyone is going by and paying their last respects. Okay...I feel really weird now...everything is accelerating so fast...people are moving so quickly. I feel like I am spinning around and around as all of these people walk up. I am getting lighter now. So light I could drift away. Hmm...this is the weirdest form of dizziness I have had, I feel really sick to my stomach but it's a good way...like I am going to get rid of some nasty virus after I do this.

Hold on...its empty now. There's no one here. Just this poor grave...stone. I wonder who it is. When I read the name, I felt sick. Why is my name on a tombstone? I am not dead! "No! I am not ready to die yet! I don't even know where to go! Oh God! I pray to you now! Your son is callling to you!" I realized that I actually said something. That's the first time I have heard my voice in days.

"It is well." came the most calming and soothing voice I have ever heard. Now, I am rising, shooting through the sky like a rocket. It's a good feeling. I feel like I am done here, I did what I had to do and all of those close to me are sad but they will get better. I know they will.

"This is your life! Are you who you want to be?" the radio suddenly blares in my ears. I look up as the parking lot is empty at my office. It's dark now but my cell phone rings. "When are you coming home honey? Dinner's ready." I heard my wife's voice say. I looked at the stereo and smiled. "Yes...this is my life and I am who I want to be." It feels a lot lighter now.