U.N.S. Innovation

It was a quiet shift in the bridge of the U.N.S. Innovation, just a patrol routine that had been going on for a few days. Ensign Midday was falling asleep when the Captain appeared. "Captain on the Bridge!", shouted Commander Lewis. Midday snapped to attention and began pushing buttons, as if working hard.

"Any news, Commander?", asked Captain Mosley. "None, Captain".

Mosley dropped in his chair. "Report, Ensign".

Midday went over a panel. "We have just entered sector 71, sir. Our estimations indicate that we need 96 hours to sweep the complete area". Mosley's face turned pale. "96 hours... 96 hours?. This ship can go faster, can't it?". Commander Lewis stepped near the Captain's chair, "reparations are not yet completed, sir. The Chief Engineer was too drun... too ill to work yesterday".

"Everyone is always too ill to work in this ship. Discipline, gentlemen. Chief Engineer will be helping in the kitchen until we go back home."

An alarm went off at that time. "Unknown ship converging to our position, Captain! Distance 50000 meters and approaching. Speed... Whoa! That's fast!". The Captain jumped from his chair, "Why didn't we detect it earlier? No! Do not answer, I don't want to hear it!”. He ran off to a window with a pair of binoculars. "Yes, I think I can see it amidst the nebula". He said after a moment.

Commander and Ensign exchanged looks. "Nebula?" said Lewis. He looked outside, "Clear space out there". Midday cleared his throat, "Ahem... Captain, the binoculars, I recommend you clean them, they have spent too much time stored away, and... you see, you are supposed to look through the small lenses". Mosley turned red. "Oh, yes, I know that, thank you Ensign". He saw Midday's face, "Mind your own business, Ensign! Discipline! Or you will end in the kitchen too! Midday focused on his station.

Commander Lewis examined the incoming vessel. "It is a heavy cruiser from the Baby's Feet Empire, sir. Baby's Shoes class. From the shoelace I would say that it is in attack position".

"Very well, Commander. Inform the crew: all hands to battlestations", ordered the Captain. Lewis took a large breath, then started running, " All hands to battlestations. Repeat, all hands to battlestations". His words fainted in the distance. Captain Mosley looked at the Ensign, "We should have the communications systems repaired soon". "Aye, Captain."

In the crew quarters Corporals Kaley and Mick were trying the new flavors of the bubble gum machine, when Commander Lewis stormed inside yelling, his face red and his lungs aching. They reacted with the experience of old veterans of the Innovation... slowly: if Commander Lewis had time to reach this point of the ship alive , then there was no hurry. But orders were orders and all that.

"The crew should be in position now, Captain. All stations must have been secured", said Ensign Midday. "The enemy ship will enter within range in... well, when that dot in the radar crosses this line, and...". There was a tremor. "We have been hit!, shields down to 68%! 54%! 46%! We cannot hold much longer!"

"But this has been the flagship of our Armada! Be cannot be defeated so easily!", screamed Mosley. Ensign Midday cleared his throat, again. "Ahem, this has been indeed the flagship of the Armada, sir, 75 years ago", the Captain looked around, exasperated. "But it must have been upgraded in all this time, refitted, patched, something!". He aimed a kick to a wall, a panel fell to the floor. Ensign Midday looked livid, "yes, it has, sir. One month after it had been commissioned. They had forgot all the chairs . The crew started to complain, Medibay was crammed with people. Chief Medical says those were the Old Good Times".

Commander Lewis entered at that moment. "Captain, we only have ammunition for six shoots maximum". Captain Mosley smiled, "It's good to have you here Commander, go tell the crew to throw everything they find". Commander Lewis took a large breath and started running.

In the defense station four, ammunition had already been spent. Corporals Kaley and Mick were lying comfortably in the ground, thinking hard about what could be used as a weapon. Suddenly Kaley got up, I've got it, Mick! I have had a vision,a dream... well the Captain was there so it was mainly a nightmare... Anyway, I know where to find ammunition". He signaled a cupboard, "bring the anti-radiation suits".

In the bridge things weren't going well. "They have set a collision course, Captain! They are trying to board us". Mosley looked at the door, "Where is Commander Lewis?". "Uf, uf, he... Here,.. Captain". Mosley sat in his chair, "it's good to have you here Commander. Advise the crew: brace for impact". Lewis looked on the verge of collapse, but... took a large breath and started running.

"Here you are, sir, as ordered", said the young marine. His eyes opened in surprise. "May I ask you a question, sir?". Kaley stopped in front of him. "Ask away, rookie".

"Ehm... why are you wearing that suit? sir?". Kaley looked annoyed. "Mind your own business, boy. Or you won't reach far".

In that moment Mick appeared from behind the defense turret. "Yes, Kaley? Why are we wearing these? Eh, Kaley? Care to answer the poor boy? Eh?". The Corporal turned to him. "Remember I am your superior" he said, sternly. "I think you two should be put in a detention cell", he added as he winked his eye." You can go now, boy".

When the marine left, the Corporals started laughing. "Well now that idiot has left, I can tell you my plan", he said. He approached the huge box the marine had brought and opened it. Mick nearly fainted, "what are we going to do with that?". Kaley winked again. "You'll see".

"We have run out of ammunition, sir", informed Ensign Midday. "Wait! Defense station four is firing again!". Mosley went over the radar, "what are they firing? I thought we hadn't have anything left!".

Midday analyzed the information in a display. "This is unusual. The ammunition is small, of cylindrical shape. From the spectrograph analysis I would say... oh... I would say they are the Chef's Special Cakes."

Mosley's heart nearly stopped. "Cakes? They are throwing cakes? Why would they do that?" Midday's looked intently to the Captain. "Have you ever tried one of them?".

"I'll eat the chef's food when I have given up life. Even more, after that incident with the core of the nuclear warhead in the soup. That idiot thought it was a new ingredient brought form Codax V. Corporal Kaley spent four months in confinement cell, developing new ways of ugliness".

At that time, everything blacked out.

"We have lost main power, Captain. It looks like the bubble gum machine has been damaged", informed Midday. "And what does a bubble gum machine have to do with main power?", screamed Mosley.

This time, Midday took his time to answer. "Eh... when the first refit, the crew complained about the machine losing energy at all times so they decided to reroute main power through it, you see. Besides, auxiliary power is offline because yesterday was race day and the crew took the bicycle to bet for the fastest crewman and... well, Corporal Filestone said he was glad the bicycle ended up with a flat tire so he wouldn't be able to work today". Captain Mosley took a step menacingly, "are you saying that the auxiliary generator is a bicycle?".

A new tremor, "we have been boarded, sir! We are taking heavy casualties!". Captain Mosley searched for Commander Lewis. He heard a sound behind the main entrance. "What are you doing here Commander?". Commander Lewis was hiding in a corner, trying to catch his breath. "Discipline! Go inform the crew: abandon ship!". Commander Lewis moved slowly, until a laser missed his ear by inches. "And I want to hear you all the time!".

When he entered the bridge everything was silent. Screams could be faintly heard, "abandon ship!". The Captain watched as the crew entered the escape shuttles, then followed.

They all watched, from the distance, how the babyfeetians deployed their most terrible weapon: the ship was bombarded with thousands of baby's shoes at near speed of light velocities. Ensign Midday approached the Captain, "We have a problem, sir. You see, due to space limitations they decided to install the WC outside the hull".

Captain Mosley looked through a window, then started to cry.