Hope without belief

Is this what I've been begging for? Is this what I've been repeatedly praying for? This pain?! I don't know anymore! I don't know anymore. God is too unpredictable. He doesn't give any hints at all. I've been praying for God to motivate my heart soul and mind to find my way to him. And I'm at this feeling again. This emptiness, the sorrow, the despair. It's the same as those two years of Hell in my life. How can I change this? I know, but I can. WRONG! I can but I won't. What is wrong with me?! Ha.......... this journal is the same as the first in my blue journal. This empty feeling.......... My mind and body misinterpret what my heart and soul want. They are crying out for God, but my mind and body, my flesh know nothing of God. So they seek comfort in someone who can hold me,. Someone to whom I can stare in the yes and feel at peace. I want a woman who can comfort me. But that would do NOTHING!!! I need GOD!!! How can you know wholeheartedly what you want and need and yet not chase after it. I know with all my heart, but I've never tried with all my heart. Perhaps I'm afraid if I try I might fail and then all my hope would leave, disappear. But I know that through God all things are possible. And he loves me so he won't fail me. So what am I to do, I know the answer but I won't. I hope, I have hope, I have faith, but I don't believe. It doesn't even make sense! You see how my very being is waging war with itself. I don't know what to do!!! Yet I do know...... I just can't...... I won't.... And I can't even talk about it...... It's too...hard....too uncomfortable..... too awkward..... for me...... "Words written are easier than words spoken" But I can't even write all the time... Only when the words come to me....... God!!!!! I need you!!!!!!



Hope without belief, it exists in me.