Helpless

“She’s… she’s… wait… what… no,” I stuttered, “That… that can’t be possible, she… they said she’d be ok. I saw them take her to the hospital. No… it’s… wrong…”

I stood stark still in front of Emerson’s mom. No. No. No. No. Not her, I love her. I was right there. I saw it, the TV being shot, comprehension dawning on her face as she couldn’t get Frieda’s attention. It’s just so stupid that Frieda was too star-struck to see or hear anything else besides the shine Nikki Howard and Gabriel Luna’s presence.

No, wait. I shouldn’t be bitter to Frieda, how was she to know what would happen? I could use the same reasoning to come to the conclusion that it’s my fault. I was standing right next to Em. I could have… pushed her out of the way… threw myself at Frieda before Emerson could… joined in Emerson’s yelling… I don’t know. There are so many things that I could have done differently.

Listening to myself thinking, it seems like I’ve accepted it already. But I haven’t… I can’t… not her… she…

“No,” I say the last word out loud, firmly. I know this has to be some sick twisted joke. This can not be real. I know this line is overused, but, things like this just don’t happen in real life.

“Yes,” Emerson’s mom implores me with tears falling down her face, “yes. She’s… Her heart stopped beating… We’re having a memorial service for her in a week.”

She can’t talk for a while as she sobs, “She would want for you to be there. We’re having her body cremated… and then we’re… sprinkling her ashes in the Atlantic. I…” She brakes off.

I am still stunned, I think back to that day at the Stark Mega Center Grand Opening. I remember that Em was made to go with Frieda so Frieda wouldn’t get into trouble and I had gone along because I wanted to get a new TV to play video games on... and also because I just loved being around Em, I loved her. I remember trying to think up a way to drop a hint that I thought she was incredible, but all I could get out was a stupid, cowardly, ‘I think you look fine.’ Stupid, who tells the girl they love they look ‘fine?’ ‘I love you’ would have been more adequate. And then, unexpectedly, Nikki Howard came running across the floor with that ridiculous pocket dog just as one of the big- cooperation protesters pulled out a paintball gun and shot one of the overhead TVs which started to fall… over Frieda, and Emerson threw herself at her sister and in turn was crushed by the falling television. While Frieda was fine.

When the ambulance pulled up, I don’t remember feeling more helpless then I did watching the Emergency people strap Em to a gurney and load her into the back of the vehicle. I was told I wasn’t allowed to go with her. I fought but they told me that I’d just be in the way and they’d have a harder time keeping her stable if I was in there too. So helpless, I watched the ambulance drive away.

“I… I… I’ll be there… I just… I can’t…” I stammer semi-coherently at Emerson’s mom. I didn’t really know Emerson’s mom that well, after all, Em and I spent most of our time in front of the TV screen playing video games together, but as she leans in to give me a watery hug, I can’t help but break down as I return her embrace.

The concept is horrible, which is why I’m freaking out. But no matter how much I know that she’s gone, the truth, accepting it, is still a while off. I just can’t. Not her. My Emerson. Not her. I love her.