Oktoberfest

Missing: nine hours of Friday night/Saturday morning. If you have any information please contact either myself, Michael Hall or Tara Smithers.

Previous Europe drinking experience has taught me that, as a general rule absinth is the most dangerous alcoholic drink available. I think Bavarian beer may just surpass it. Delicious, and way too easy to drink. A highly lethal combination indeed. It was the first night of Oktoberfest in Munich when I first tried it. Here is the story:

8.02pm We arrive at Beerfest. It’s quite late because our bus from Berlin has only just got in. The grounds are packed with thousands (probably tens of thousands) of drunk people. We must be the only sober ones there. The Beer Halls are packed. Feeling left out, we order three steins in the Beer Garden.

8.16 The beer waitress brings us our beer. It is beautiful and golden. We each have a satisfied sip. It is delicious

8.20 Some drunk Italian guys approach us, trying to put stickers on mine and Tara's boobs. We drink faster.

8.25 The Italian guys have sat next to us. After ignoring them for five minutes one is tapping me in the back of the head with increasing force. It is annoying and beginning to hurt.

8.26 We finally acknowledge the Italian guys' presence. They are very happy. We strike up conversation.

8.28 We finish our steins

8.30 We order two more

8.36 The waitress brings us our beers. Mikey asks the Italian guys how old they are. They respond with "No englese"

8.36 I am confused. They don’t speak English. But I have been speaking with them for ten minutes. How is this so?

8.37 I am still confused.

8.38 We get up to try and get into a Beer Hall.

8.40 We are waiting outside the back entrance, beers in hand. The bouncer sees that we are English speaking and lets us in ahead of Germans, for some reason

8.41 We are in the International Beer Hall. It is AWESOME.

8.41 I am still confused.

8.41 Was I speaking Italian with them?

8.42 I learnt Italian in primary school, but I had forgotten it all.

8.42 Hadn't I?

8.43 Mikey congratulates me on my Italian

8.43 I had been speaking Italian! Mystery solved! I am thoroughly impressed. Especially with the beer. Bavarian beer is amazing! My brain turns over, my wheels of intellect are grinding. The beer must be unlocking the hidden recesses of my brain, I decide. We drain our steins and order two more.

8.50 Our steins arrive. We do a lap of the Beer Hall. Smashing our glasses with any other glasses within sight and yelling PROST (cheers) at the top of our lungs. I almost fall over. I ask a guy what the strength of the beer is. He replies 9%.

8.55 Mikey, Tara and I decide it would be really cool if we drank 3 litres of beer in one hour. So we have seven minutes to finish our steins. We start a sculling contest with someone nearby who doesn’t speak English

9.00 We have finished our steins. The non English speaking guy has broken his glass by smashing it into mine for an overenthusiastic 'Prost'. I convince him that drinking out of the jagged rim of his broken beer stein really IS a bad idea. He is overwhelmed with gratitude at my concern for his safety and thus offers me the rest of his beer.

9.35 I realise that music is playing. Robbie Williams 'Angels' is on. We stand on a table and sing at the top of our lungs, beers held high above our heads. It is very fun. Especially the chorus.... "Through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong...."

9.36 "Through it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL (we throw our arms into the air and beer sloshes out from the steins we are holding onto people's heads and the floor) SHE OFFERS ME PROTECTION (we giggle like six year olds, "Would you like a condom?" Mikey says to me) A LOTTA LOVE love na nex shun la la la la ta wong."
The rest is a slur. This is my last clear memory.

Unknown o'clock. There are colours everwhere. Everything is spinning. Everyone is screaming in a panic. The blurry beer haze clears for half a second and I realise I am on a machine ride. I am really impressed that I haven’t vomitted yet.

Unknown o’clock. I wake up. I don’t know where I am. Someone is laughing. It is cold. I smell beer and smoke.

6.30am Stuff is coming together slowly. My head is in my hands and my hair is very sticky. The ground is freezing. Someone is still laughing.

6.31am My face and hands seem to be stuck together somehow. I finally manage to pull my head out of my hands and look up. Mikey is standing in the doorway dressed in only boxers. Where are his clothes? Where am I?

6.32am I look around. There is a toilet behind me. I spy a picture of the Germans we are staying with. We must be back at their house. I have been asleep, sitting upright. about two metres in front of the toilet.

6.32am I ask Mikey the time by pointing at my wrist and grunting. "6.30 in the morning" He manages to choke out between fits of laughter.

6.33am I stand up shakily and my legs give way. I am definitely still drunk. I stumble my way to the bedroom, falling over Tara in an attempt to get into bed.

8.15am Mikey wakes me up my pulling on my foot. I am very agitated. Sleep was great. I roll over and feel a sharp pain shoot through my head.

8.16 I sit up. My face is throbbing. Ouch

8.17 "Why is my face so SORE?" I ask noone in particular

8.17 Tara and Mikey dissolve into violent fits of laughter. I laugh along, I don’t know why. It hurts my face to do so.

8.24 We are still laughing. I stop to ask them, "What is so funny?"

8.25 Mikey manages to gasp, between giggles, "YOU FACEPLANTED!"

8.32 Tara and Mikey are choking and crying. I am trying the calm them. My face hurts.

8.35 They are still laughing. I go to the bathroom to assess the damage. I have a huge black bruise under my left eye and a graze across my cheek. My left foot has glass in it because I am missing that shoe. My previously white jacket is now shades of black, brown and green. I have four or five bumps on my head. It hurts my neck to turn my head. I have never been in such bad shape.

8.40 I wander back into the bedroom. Tara and Mikey have the camera out, reviewing pictures and are still laughing/crying/choking. I start looking at the photos and join in again. These are HILARIOUS: And I don’t remember one single one being taken.

8.45 We eat some sausages for breakfast. It is time to go back to Beerfest


Influence drawn from Tucker Max's hilarious 'Sushi Pants' story. Of course I think Tucker Max is a vile, repulsive human being and completely abhor and condemn the way he behaves and treats women and other people. However, they admittedly do make for very funny stories.