Savin' stuff, da orky way!, part 1

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Chapta' 1 - Ol' habitz die 'ard
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Message received...

From: Marnus Ekladam
To: High Inquisitor Lordeal
Subject: Your requested report
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Emperor be praised!

You gave me the honour of writing a report about the events that recently transpired upon the planet of Akhalam VI. After investigating the events and their outcome, I have come to the conclusion that the ork warband on the planet won't cause trouble. Not for some time, at least.

Let me briefly inform you about the events. Tell you, how ork warboss Nagosh Ubzug and his warband helped save the planet itself.

***

It was a nice sunny day around the ork fort... camp... thing.
Uncountable boyz were running here and there, preparing for the fight at hand. Except for one. He ran to the boss' hut. He nudged, hit or even tackled many boyz. Responses like these could be heard:
“Git!”
“Wotch wer ya goin!”
“I'z gunna get yo 'ead lata!
He was used to that. And he didn't care, since the boyz will probably forget that stuff pretty soon. Flashgit Gobroz was smart enough to know that.
He had been considered “un-orky”. Even more than the other flashgits. After the Big Mek, he was the smartest boy in the fort. Smartboy... or smart git, they called him. He knew the difference between the two only too well.

He reached a big hut, on which there was a sign. It said “De Boss”. The grot that wrote the thing stood there watching it. The grot knew something wasn't right.
“Oy,” the grot turned, “dat shud say DA Boss!”
“I will fix it right away! Pleaze, don't tell 'im!”
“Woteva'!”
He entered the hut. There, warboss Nagosh Ubzug stood. He was looking at a make-shift map of the area.
Nagosh was large, even by ork standards. His left leg was still organic, but the other one was cybernetic. Injuries. His right arm was replaced with a huge kustom shoota. Request from the boss. 'No boss iz complete without big shoota!' he used to say. His other weapon was a gigantic chain choppa. Mek had fun with a humie weapon.
'Course, every boss has a banner of his band or clan, no? The banner was currently hung on a wall. Blue, with a black skull and badly drawn foot over it. 'Da Skull smashaz.'
Nagosh didn't wear horns. He said they were 'Uncomfar... Uncomfuri... wot was da word?”'
“Who'z der?”
“Me, boss.”
Nagosh turned.
“Oy! Flashgit Gobroz! Wot ya doin 'ere?” The boss never called him Gobroz. Only flashgit Gobroz. No one in the whole fort knew why. But he got used to it.
“I'z got newz, boss. Sum git made da trukk blue!”
“I told da meks ta do dat!”
“Why, boss?”
“Blue onez go fasta!”
“Wot? RED onez go fasta!”
Silence.
“You'z right! GROT!”
The gretchin that was fixing the sign fell of his ladder. Gobroz didn't want to know how the sign looked now.
“Yeh, boss!”
“Go to da meks. Tell dem dat da trukk haz to be RED.”
“Goin, boss.”
The gretchin left. Several orks almost stepped on him.
“Drakk'z nervous, eh?”
“Yeh, boss.”
Nagosh was a strange warboss. He liked grots. For dinner, or otherwise. The boyz didn't like it at first, but they soon got used to it. Gobroz just knew this whole warband was a bit weird. Drakk, for instance, is probably the longest-living grot in the galaxy. He wasn't used as a bomb pilot, dinner, in dok experiments, simply nowhere fatal.
“I'z got da perfect plan, flashgit Gobroz!”
“Wot plan, boss?”
“Dis time, we'z gunna attack da humiez right 'ere!”
Gobroz looked at the point where Nagosh was looking. He wasn't the least bit surprised. But it still filled him with dread.
“Again, boss?”
“Yeh. Dey's not gunna expectz it!”
Gobroz wanted to show a sign of protest. But he knew the boss was too stubborn. He sighed.
“Yeh, boss. Wot shud I do?”
“Let'z see... make sure da trukk is red... and tell da boyz we'z goin in five hourz!”
“Yeh, boss.”

***

“Are they coming, old chap?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Stupid as always.”
General Alix Mosiv sat in the area's command bunker, his everyday cup of green tea next to him. Orks were right sometimes. Green IZ best! He sipped a bit and then scratched his bald head. He looked to the right.
Next to him was his best man. Commissar Anon Ymous. Strange name. Anon's short brown hair couldn't be seen through the large hat he wore. The same hat also concealed part of his face. Uniform-ordering errors can end in strange ways.
“Are the basilisks in place?”
“Just like the last twenty-three times, sir.”
“Quite right.”
Alix didn't know what kind of fool lead the orks and he didn't care. As long as the greenskins come into their firing range willingly, why complain?

***

The whole ork warband was on its way towards what Gobroz called “Da big field of def”. Warboss Nagosh... wasn't the brightest ork. Every time, the whole warband attacks from the same direction, and every time, almost the entire band gets wiped out.
Somehow, the boss and he always survive. Is it luck? If that existed, the boss would grow a brain larger than a squigg's and attack a different position. And Gobroz didn't see that happening in the near future.
The earth trembled a bit.
“Boss! Dey'z found us again!”
Gobroz saw Muskit. A normal slugga boy, who seemed to have the same amount of 'luck' like the boss and himself.
Nagosh was furious. As always.
“Stupid humies! They neva' let us have any fightin'!
“Yeh, boss.”
Gobroz covered his ears as the artillery rounds hit the ground behind them. Screams, roars. It then stopped.
He looked around. He was alive. Check. The boss was alive. Check. Muskit was alive. Check.
And that was all... only the three of them survived this time.
“We'z lucky again, boss.”
Muskit had no idea how lucky.
“Yeh, I guess. Wait! Ova' der!”
The two other orks looked as uncountable guardsmen came into view.
“Wot now, boss!”
“Like before, flashgit Gobroz. We'z gunna RUN!”
Nagosh did make sense sometimes. The three turned and left 'Da big field of def' faster than Eldar ever could.

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Chapta' 2 - Forestz
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“I'z don't get it.”
“Wot, boss?”
“How did da humies find uz, flashgit Gobroz? I bought extra kamuflagez upgradez for 50 pointz!”
“Boss... dat only works in forestz.” said Gobroz, fighting the urge to 'facepalm'. 'How did da humies find uz', he says...
“Likez da one we'z in now?”
“Yeh.”
“Oh... darnz.”
“Oy! Ova' 'ere!”
The two looked over to Muskit. The seemingly endless 'forest', which was actually a jungle, seemed to give the slugga boy more energy. Maybe he would be good as a jungle kommando? If they get out of here, that is. For the twenty-fourth time. The damn place always seemed to be different than the last time.
“Wot, Muskit?”
“I'z found waterz! Lotz of waterz!”
The two came closer. Through a bunch of trees, a large lake, with strange creatures around it, could be seen.
“Gud work, Muskit! I'z thirsty!”
All three made their way towards the lake. The creatures, while kinda' scary, left the area immediately.
“Yeh! Run from da orks!”
“Boss!”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz?”
“One'z left!”
Gobroz pointed, Nagosh looked. On the edge of the lake, a small, black... ball, with legs, yellow eyes and a big mouth, watched them. They came closer. It didn't move an inch.
Muskit picked it up. It didn't struggle.
“Boss?”
“Yeh, Muskit?”
“After sum inspa... anspi... lookin', I sayz, that dis 'ere, iz a squig.”
“Squig? I'z neva' seen a black squig before.” Gobroz was truly surprised.
The little black squig roared. As much as a squig can.
“Yeh! Yeeeeeh! Nowz, we'z can EAT and DRINK!”
“Uhh, boss?”
“Wha'?”
Gobroz pointed at Muskit. He seemed a bit sad.
“But boss, da little fing iz so cutez!”
“Don' tell me... you'z wanna keep it?”
“Yeh!”
“Fine, we'z only gunna drink, den.”
Muskit seemed full of joy. He put the squig on the ground. It almost instantly ran into the jungle. Gobroz and Nagosh looked at Muskit.
“Dat'z wot ya get, for bein' nice.”
Muskit sheepishly looked at them.
A terrible roar could suddenly be heard. They looked towards the jungle. The little black squig emerged, towing a creature four times it size behind it. It then stopped and watched them.
“Yeh! DAT'Z what we'z get for bein' nice!”
All three orks gladly took the 'offering'. And drank some water. It actually tasted like fungus beer, a bit.
After the meal, all three just watched the squig.
“Well, we'z got here a gud attack squig.”
“Yeh, boss.”
“We shud call 'im somethin'.”
“Muskit'z right, boss.”
“Yeh.”
They sat like that for a moment.
“I'z gotz it,” screamed Muskit, “Ugu!”
“Ugu? Not bad, Muskit. Not bad at allz.”
“Thankz, boss.”
“We'z shud get going. I'z don't think even Ugu can helpz uz against da stuff in dis forest for long.”
The two nodded and the three orks and Ugu were on the way.

***

After five hours of walking, they really did find the way back home. When they reached the fort, the orks that stayed were gathered around a nob.
Nagosh always leaved SOME defenders. The boys that stayed either lost in a game of orkjack, or didn't want to die. Or both, in some cases.
They heard the nob's words clearly:
“Da boss iz dead. Even if he'z not, he'z a git. I'z da new boss.”
“O, yeh?”
The two mobs of orks swiftly left the immediate area. Battles for being boss can get violent for the watchers.
“Yeh! I'z gunna show ya, GIT!!”
The nob charged. Within five seconds, he flew through a wall twenty metres away.
Nagosh Ubzug may be a bit stupid. But Gork and Mork help you if you have to fight him.
“Who'z da boss?”
The nob came out of the rubble. He was shaking a bit.
“You'z da boss, boss.”
“Gud. Now, ya gits rememba'. I'z da biggest, so I'z wot?”
“DA BOSS!!” cried the mobs of orks
“Now, two fingz. One. Get da wall fixed. And two. Get uz sum fungus beer. And squig pie,” Ugu looked at him, “fine! No squig pie!”
They would have to try and find ANOTHER feral ork tribe to replace the losses. They would have to try hard.

***

In hiding behind the planets moon, several ships waited. The marks of the Thousand sons were on them.
On the bridge of the biggest ship, Rakul Manek stood, watching the planet. His upgraded armour still looked like the 'everyday' one, though. He wanted termie armour, but no! They said the stuff is too 'precious' for an officer like him. He will show them. All of them!
He pressed a buttton on his command panel. Another non-runic marine appeared.
“Report, Akitol.”
“We tried our best, my lord, but we couldn't pinpoint the temple's location. The chaos energies spread everywhere. We did, however, at least discover the area where it is. I am afraid we will have to send our forces to search.”
“It cannot be helped, I suppose. Any other news?”
“Well, yes. We lost Blagush, just ten minutes ago.”
“What happened?!”
“He was summoning a daemon.”
“What kind?”
“Ummm... a Daemonette. Two of them, sir. For uhhh... personal use.”
Who doesn't?
“And what happened? Error on his part?”
“No, sir. Gugulash found out. And you know how mad he gets when someone tries to summon non-Tzeench daemons.”
“Send him here. I want to talk to him ASAP.”
“Will do, sir!”
The transmission ended.
“I have to teach that idiot that summoning Daemonettes is GOOD. VERY good.”
He resumed the watching of the planet. Soon, he will show all of them.

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Chapta' 3 - Pointy friendz
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“Boss, are ya sure we'z goin' in da right directun?”
“'Course! Whaddaya think, flashgit Gobroz? That I'z stupid?”
“No, boss. It's just dat Muskit and me have seen dat rock over fifteen times.”
“Oh... well... FINE!! We'z lost! You'z happy?”
“Not in da slightest, boss.”
The three orks and Ugu went into the jungles alone. Searching for still-living feral orks is lots of work. Especially when your navigator is “directionally impaired”.
“Wot now, boss?”
“I'z don't know, Muskit.”
As the three were losing hope, Ugu suddenly squeaked and started running.
“UGU! Where ya goin'!?”
Muskit ran after the little squig, the other two close behind.

-

As they followed the little squig, the orks started hearing sounds. After a minute, they identified the sounds as screams. They were human-like.
“More orks?”
“No, Muskit. Voices are humie-like.”
“Yeh! We'z gonna have some fightin'!”
“Right, boss.”
Ugu suddenly stopped. They did too. Through the trees and foilage they could see three slim figures in white armour and... pointy helmets. Their armours were white, but with hints of green here and there.
The three were surrounded by a group of humanoids in gold and blue armour. Most just stood there, but one talked with the pointy-helmeted (is that a word?) ones.

“Wot are dose, boss?” whispered Muskit.
“Da onez wif da pointy helmetz are Eldarz. Da oderz are chaos boyz.”
“Quiet, ya two! I'z listenin'!”
“Sorry, flashgit Gobroz.”

They were quiet and listened as well. The chaos marine spoke:
“I will ask one last time, Eldar. Answer, and your death will be swift. Where is the temple?!”
“We will never tell the likes of you, follower of chaos.”
“Fine, have it your way. Destroy them!”
The remaining marines stepped forward like machines. The Eldar readied battle stances.
“We can't let da chaos boyz do dat!”
“Why, boss?”
“'Cause, flashgit Gobroz, dere'z more chaos boyz, derefore more fun. Plus, da Eldarz know where ta find more chaos boyz. I'z know it.”
Nagosh Ubzug sometimes shows a mind of a smart boy. Sometimes.
“Kay, boss. You'z go first, we'z goin' second.”
“Let's get 'em! WAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!”
The chaos marines turned to the source of the noise. The leader was shocked. The Eldar were as well.
A giant ork doesn't just run out of the jungle to smash stuff... most of the time.

-

Nagosh lifted his chain choppa and cut one of the chaos marines in half. The armour... was empty.
“Wot is dis?!”
Another of the marines readied his bolter.
“Not so fast, chaos boy!”
Gobroz, though a smart boy, was still a flashgit. And flashgits like BIG shootas. The marine learned that only too well. Again, only bits of armour were left. Gobroz exited the jungle.
“Boss! Dese chaos boyz are weird!”
“Yeh! Smashin' 'em is still fun, though!”
“Idiots!”
Nagosh and Gobroz looked at the chaos leader.
“You'z talkin' ta us, humie?”
“Yes. And I will gladly send your souls to Tzeentch, for all they're worth! Rubric marines! ATTACK!”

As one rubric marine moved, Muskit suddenly appeared and tackled it with such strength, that the helmet fell of. The marine's gauntlet rose and showed him... the finger. Another tackle sent the armour to the ground.

The Eldar started fighting. One disappeared only to reappear behind a marine and delivered a barrage of devastating energy shots... at least, they looked like energy shots.

The second charged at the marines. They shot, but he flew up and showered with fire from his blaster. The marine's armour seemed to deflect those shots. But he then descended, landing on the marine, crushing the armour. The other one drew a knife, but was too slow. A barrage of shots tore him to bits. The Eldar turned to see Gobroz and was surprised when the ork gave him a 'thumbs up' before resuming his shooting.

The third Eldar... was female. She gracefully danced between the marines, who were too slow to block. An extremely loud shriek from close range literally blew off a marine's helmet.

The marines' greatest nemesis was... Ugu, strangely enough. The little squig jumped from marine to marine, confusing the walking armours. The rubric's shot each other, trying to get the little thing. Muskit got those that 'survived'.

Meanwhile, Nagosh fought the chaos leader. Chain choppa against chain sword. The leader somehow mustered the power to keep the warboss at bay. Which was quite a feat, even for a corrupted space marine.
“Wot, are you'z on steroids?!”
“Winners don't use drugs, ork! They use the might of chaos!”
A dark energy gathered in the leader's right hand. He released a blast of warp-fire at point-blank range, which scorched the boss' left side.
Nagosh was REALLY mad now. He applied more force and the chain sword broke in half. But he didn't push the choppa further. Instead, he picked up the leader and threw him upwards. He turned his choppa around and used it as an improvised club. He hit the chaos marine and the chaos worshipper was sent flying. For at least a few miles. NEVER make orks mad.

The two other orks and Ugu came closer.
“Boss, ya alright?”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz. It's just stingin' a bit.”
“Why did you do that?”
All four (don't forget Ugu) turned. It was the swooping hawk.
“Wot? Save ya arses?”
“Well... yes. Or perhaps you still want to fight?”
The three readies battle stances. The two orks and Ugu looked at Nagosh.
“Nah.”
“What?”
“I'z tired. And me left side 'urts.”
The hawk looked at the warp-fire wound.
“That needs treatment.”
“Wot?”
The hawk facepalmed.
“He meanz fixin', boss.”
“Oh... why?”
“Warp-fire is a dangerous weapon. The wound can start dissolving if not treated.”
“You Eldarz like big fancy wordz, eh?”
The hawk didn't know what to do. Gobroz felt like a translator.
“He sayz, dat da burned partz are gonna turn into somethin' dat has to be replaced by a dok.”
“No dok! I almost lost both mah eyez last time! During arm replacementz! So, you'z Eldarz can heal dis?”
“Yes. But we would have to get you near one of our warlocks. And that could be a problem.”
“Why?”
“We don't even know why you helped us. And then refused to attack us.”
“Why? We'z just wanted ta have some fun! Plus, you were outnumba'd. Dat ain't nice.”
“I see. Well, I supposse we do owe you our lives. We will help you.”
“Tanks. So... who are ye?”
“Oh, sorry. My name is Altian. My teleporting associate is Lokan and...”
“I am Kilina,” said the banshee, “thanks, Altian, but I can talk by myself.”
“Whatever. And you might be?”
“I'z warboss Nagosh Ubzug of da Skull smashaz!”
“I'z flashgit Gobroz. Just call me Gobroz.”
“And I'z Muskit,” he picked up our favourite squig, “and dis 'ere, is Ugu!”
“Pleased to mee...”
“Oh, what a cute little thing!”
Kilina ran to Muskit and took Ugu from his arms. She started squeezing him. The little guy seemed to like it.
“Oy! Wot ya doin'! Give 'im back!”
“No, he's mine! So cute and squishy!”

The ork and the banshee started arguing. Ugu freed himself from Kilina's grasp and headed towards Lokan. The warp spider just looked at the squig. He then stretched an arm and scratched the little thing on its back.
Altian and Nagosh separated the two.
“Enough of this!”
“Save da fightin' for lata', Muskit!”
The two looked at each other. The looks showed rivalry. The two leaders shook their heads and said together:
“Inner-conflicts/z are never good.”
After that sentence, they both stared at each other.
“We should find our warlock... yeah.”
“I agree! Come on, flashgit Gobroz! We'z goin'!”
“Yeh, boss! Come on, ya two!”
The three Eldar, three Orks and Ugu set course for the seeecret Eldar outpost. They went like so:
The first were Altian and Gobroz. Perhaps they will talk 'bout stuff?
Lokan was close behind. Strangely, Ugu walked beside him and the silent warp spider seemed to enjoy the squig's company.
Nagosh walked behind the unlikely duo.
Last were Muskit and Kilina. They were still arguing about Ugu, oblivious to the fact that the squig was with Lokan.

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Chapta' 4 - Testin', one, two, free
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Aboard the Thousand Sons cruiser, Magic Pwns, all was NOT well. And not just because the beer ran out.
You see, Rakul Manek, though a sorcerer, sometimes shows the rage of berzerkers. Like now.
“So, can any of you tell me, how exactly we LOST OVER ONE HUNDRED RUBRIC MARINES, ON SOME STUPID BACKWATER WORLD?!?!?!?!”
His twenty aspiring sorcerers were more than scared right now. They still remembered Gugulash's punishment... 24 hours Levan Polkka... the horror. The poor sorcerer promised to not even get irritated by non-Tzeentch daemons.
“M-my lord...?”
“WHAT!?!?!?”
The scream made the moon the fleet was hiding behind shake a bit.
“I-it was not our fault.”
“Oh? And how was it NOT your fault, Kran?”
“It was the Eldar. They set up ambushes all over the planet's jungles. They knew we were coming.”
“That is no excuse!”
“We were caught off guard, sir. And you know how slow to react rubric's are...”
Rakul had to admit that. Without sorcerers, they were kinda stupid.
“Fine. But we still lost one hundred.”
“Why does it matter?”
“What?!”
“I mean, they just reform back on the Planet of sorcerers, so why... Uggghhhhh!!!”
Rakul held Kran's neck. He then threw him into a wall.
“It matters, Kran, because the more that have to reform, the more my superiors will think of me as a failure. And I won't get termie armour in that case. Which would make me VERY mad.”
“I understand, sir.”
“Good. Did you encounter any other enemies?”
All the sorcerer's in the room looked at Akitol. He stood up.
“Y-yes. My unit met orks.”
“Yes, I knew of... wait, you got your arse kicked by ORKS?!”
“Let me explain!”
“You have one chance.”Akitol told his master everything. About his group's triumph over the Eldar ambush, (There was at least a hundred, but we pulled though.) the interrogation of the three survivors, (I gave one an extra arm, but he still wouldn't talk!) and the surprising ork ambush (A whole warband, at least! And they had a huge black beast with them!).
“Is that all, Akitol?”
“No, sir. The orks didn't even touch the Eldar.”
This truly surprised Rakul. What kind of orks DON'T kill everything in sight? Could this warband become allies with the Eldar? If so, Rakul has one more problem.
“And the warboss?”
“Yes. The biggest ork I have ever seen. Even I could only barely hold him off. He then got mad and I was forced to flee.”
Rakul tapped into Akitol's mind. The sorcerer was thinking of his fight with the ork. Truly a beast. He didn't need to see more.
“Dismissed.”
The sorcerer's were surprised, but they all left. For their own safety.

***
Rakul was in his personal quarters. He repeated the words that would summon one of his most trusted agents from the warp. When the incantation was complete, the room was filled with red light. The figure could then be seen in its full glory.
“You have summoned me, master?”
“Yes, Nebulon. You are the only daemon I can give such a task.”
“What is it that you need?”
Rakul motioned with his hand. The image he had taken from Akitol's head appeared. The ork warboss.
“I want this ork. Dead.”
“Excellent. Orks are my favourite.”
“Why so?”
“They fight in melee, they are strong. And their blood-lust is almost like mine.”

Nebulon came closer to his master. The daemon's two horns had an almost golden colour. The rest of his humanoid body, however, was black, with red fur on his back. His giant battle axe had drunk uncountable souls. He was much more than a simple Bloodletter.

“I see.”
“Master? May I ask something?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you not summon Tzeentch daemons to do your work?”
“Heheh. You see... they are too unpredictable. Tzeentch may be the master of change, but he overdoes it, most of the time. Besides, it's not like any of the three 'big boys' or even the 'girl' give a damn.”
“You got a point there. But, why me?”
“Because daemons of Khorne are the best at bloodshed. But you also have more IQ than a slug.”
“To think I have been shunned for that... no matter. I will bring you the ork on a 'pointy stik' by tomorrow.”
“Excellent. Now go. And take some... backup. The more chaos, the better.”
Nebulon left, grinning. Rakul knew how to motivate his servants. Either with a whip, or the promise of fun. And Nebulon had all the fun.
Now... all he needs is a Daemonette.

******

“Are we'z dere, yet?”
“For da fifteenf time, boss. NO!!”
“Okay, flashgit Gobroz.”
The group made its way through the jungle, avoiding open spaces. Altian and Gobroz talked about general things, Lokan just walked with Ugu, Nagosh kept asking that question and Kilina and Muskit were still arguing.
Altian just had to ask:
“Gobroz?”
“Yeh?”
“Why... do you follow a warboss like Nagosh?”
“Well... he iz da biggest.”
“Not just because of things like that. I mean, if what you say about him is true, you could just run away. He wouldn't know.”
“Dat's da fing 'bout ya Eldarz and humiez.”
“What?”
“Ya alwayz thinkin' 'bout bein' sumwhere where it's betta'. We orks don't care. We'z just live. Plus, I likes da boss. He can be stupid like a squig, but also smart like a grot. And he wants da best for our warband. Even if da best doesn't happen.”
“I see. You orks are perhaps wiser than even we.”
“Well... I know dese fings. Da otha' boyz don't care. Most just care 'bout fightin'. Or how ta get grog.”
“Sometimes, the simple thoughts are better. We are almost there. When I raise my hand, stop and don't move.”
“Yeh.”
Gobroz looked at Nagosh, who nodded. Nahosh nudged Muskit and told him to shut up.

They walked for another fifteen minutes, when Altian raised his hand. The whole group froze. From the woods around them, the sound of rifles getting ready to shoot came. Gobroz was a bit scared.

From the jungle came a tall figure. He wore green armour with white lines on it. On his helmet was a single, red gem. He spoke:
“Altian... what is the meaning of this?”
“Warlock Ash'nu! We can explain!”
“You'd better.”

As Eldar rangers appeared from the jungle, Altian told their tale. The unsuccessful ambush, the chaos questioning and the unexpected rescuers. Ash'nu listened carefully. When Altian finished, the warlock showed amusement.
“And you now ant me to heal an ORK?! Preposterous!”
“But they saved us!”
“Perhaps. But they are still barbarians and I will no...”
“Ya know, ya Eldarz fink you'z so smart.” the owner of the voice was Nagosh.
“How dare...”
“I darez, cuz any ork cud kick yo arse. Humiez are betta' at fightin'. 'Least dey don't have tanks dat break when ya sneeze.”
“Are you mocking us, ork?”
“Not all of ya. Altian and da two are fine. It's da rest dat makes me sick.”
“What do you want?!”
“I'z want a way ta make ya see us like more dan barboriuns.”
Ash'nu was interested.
“Fine, ork. Three tests. You pass all three, you gain my respect. You fail even one, we kill you.”
Altian wanted to protest, but Nagosh gave him an 'It's okay.' look. The hawk hoped the warboss knew what he was doing.

***

“Fine. Your first test will be a test of strength.”
Gobroz, Muskit and Ugu looked at Nagosh.
“Yeh, bring it.”
Ash'nu motioned with his hands. A group of three wraithguards showed up, with no weapons. Gobroz knew what those were.
“Boss!”
“Yeh?”
“Dose fings are wraithguarderz! Dey'z tough.”
“Good. More fun.”
Altian, Lokan and Kilina were outraged. Ash'nu and the other Eldar were amused. Gobroz and Muskit were scared. Ugu closed his eyes. And Nagosh?
...
Nagosh felt like smashin'.
The wraithguards advanced as one. Nagosh caught one by the arm and used him as an improvised club.
He hit the second wraithguard on the head. The force of the blow made it burry into the earth, with only the head above-ground.
The third guard received a thrown 'club' as a present.
Three Eldar, two orks and a squig cheered. One ork made a victory pose. Ash'nu was furious. Other Eldar had mixed feelings of surprise and... respect.

Nagosh was eager to continue.
“Oy! Wot's da next testin'? Dis is lotsa fun!”
Ash'nu triumphantly said:
“A test of mind.”
Nagosh frowned, then looked at Gobroz.
“On it, boss.”

Gobroz came closer to the warlock.
“I will ask you five questions that were prepared by my brethren. Answer all of them.”
“Okay.”
“Good. First question. What is the Eye of Terror?”
“Da place were all da chaos boyz come from. It'z all red and swirly.”
Ash'nu looked at the 'jury', which sat behind a long white table was made out of female Eldar. All five nodded.
“Good answer. Question number two. Who are the Necrons?”
“Dose are da metal skeletony boyz, right? Da ones wif da green gunz.”
The jury again nodded.
“Correct,” irritation was in the warlock's voice, “third. Who was Indrick Boreale?”
“Heheheh. Dat humie wuz a SPESS MAHREEN leada' and forcey commanda'. He fought for TEH EMPRAH.”
The jury laughed, then nodded.
“Not bad, ork. Four. Wha... wait!! Who wrote this?!?!?!”
Silence.
“Wrote wot?”
“Fine. Easy one. What is an ork's favourite activity?”
“Easy. Fightin'. Or drinkin'. Or smashin', stompin'...”
“We get it! Fifth and final question. Heheh. How does a D/cannon function?”
Ash'nu smelled victory. Gobroz took a deep breath... and started.

Started a nearly one hour long lecture, in which he told about every aspect of a D-cannon. Parts, function, HOW it functions as well as some other bits, like effect on targets.
The jury was so astonished that it automatically nodded.
Ash'nu was furious, again. Nagosh and Muskit retrieved their jaws form the ground.
Gobroz returned to his group. Nagosh had to ask:
“Where'd ya learn dat, flashgit Gobroz?!”
“I likes readin'. Found a book unda' mek's stuff.”
“Weird.”
“Yeh.”
“SILENCE!!!”
All of them looked at Ash'nu.
“The final test... is a test... of CUTENESS!!!!”
“Ya totally pulled dat out of yer arse.”
“I do not care. Show me something cute of orkoid origin and I will bow before you!”
Kilina nudged Muskit and they both looked at Ugu. The slugga boy lifted the little black squig and showed it to Ash'nu.
“Dis! Little Ugu!”
“This?! You have got to be...”
“Look at that little thingie!”
Ash'nu turned to see the ex-jury and many more howling banshees and whatnot.
“Yeah! It's SO CUTE!!!”
The group of nearly thirty Eldar '(fan)girls' swarmed Muskit. They threw the ork out of the way and started squeezing Ugu.
Most of the other Eldar sweat dropped. One guardian said:
“Lucky black... ball.”
Ash'nu was left speechless. Nagosh came closer to him.
“I'z think we passed da testin'. Now, will ya fix dis? Oh, don't forget ta bow.”
Nagosh enjoyed every moment of the bow.


***********************
Here are quotes, gathered by imperial scholars or any other people. Or Xenos, whatever. They contain the words of many famous or not as famous characters in the galaxy.

“Dey'z retreatin'! But why'z dey retreatin' towardz us?” - slugga boy Muskit

“Don't ask Eldarz questuns. Ya won't unda'stand da answerz.” - warboss Nagosh Ubzug

“If we'z made for fightin' and winnin', why do we'z have morale?” - flashgit Gobroz

“Enemies of the Imperium! Can you shout a bit louder? We can't hear you from up here!” - imperial Warhound titan pilot Akim

“Hmmm... did dis boy have three armz before?” - dok Grimog

“Mutations, mutations! That's all the idiots want! I need a vacation.” - Tzeentch himself

“That's nine executions for today. No one laughs at my hat.” - commissar Anon Ymous' secret logs

“*Roar*” - Ugu, the cute little black squig