Depression

Day I:

Well I feel the depression weighing me down today. I've lost my greatest joy and it weighs heavily on my soul. I want to say I'm sorry, sorry for being an unthinking fool. It seems I'm always sorry for something. I never get anything right.

The depression is weighing heavily on me. It feels like it's going to be a good one. I'm of very low energy, full of self doubt and self pity, thoughts are in the toilet, and spirits are in the gutter. I have tears pressing on my eyes. Only difference is this time I know the reason for them. I've so screwed up my life and in the process screwed up life for those I love the most. Again. I need to say that and admit it. I've screwed up again. In a different manner this time but still I've screwed up again.

I miss my joy, my life. I'm going to end up alone and that's how it should be. I don't deserve to have anyone in my life. I just screw it all up every time I do.

Thing is I'm so full of love. I have love bursting out the seams but I have no one left to share it with. I need to love, to let it out, to express it.

The depression is strangely attractive this time. I think I want to sink into it and lose myself. Perhaps if I sink far enough I can lose myself forever, make it permanent. I don't want to live like this. I just want it to end. If I only had the balls.

I want to sink so far into the depression that I actually end it all. I want it over. It just takes a little more and I'll be nuts enough to do it. This time I've learned from past mistakes and know how to do it right. I can make sure it works and I don't screw it up like I've screwed up everything else. This at least I can get right.

I'm so tired. I can't get moving. I tried to sleep since around 12:30 last night but I woke up multiple times. Each time I had trouble getting back to sleep. My mind is racing, reliving the past few days, few weeks even. I thought I was in heaven now I realize it was just an illusion. Heaven is not for me. All there is for me is pain and more pain. I thought I was stable and doing well. I am not stable and I'm definitely not doing well. I am a waste of skin, of breath. I don't deserve to live. I deserve to be put out of the world's misery. The world doesn't need mine to make it worse.

I'm sorry, so sorry. I wish I could correct it yet if I had it to do over again I'd do nothing different. For a few short weeks I was happily normal. I was even ecstatic at times. It was like heaven, a heaven I don't deserve.

I'm torn between being grateful for this happiness and being resentful that I was stupid enough to fool myself into thinking I could be happy. Happiness is not in the picture for me. I'm destined to be this way forever. Forever depressed, forever. Let it be forever.


Day II:

It’s such a bad morning. For some reason mornings are always the worst and this one is the worst of the worst. Maybe it's because I couldn't sleep at all last night, again. I went around for walks, wandering the roads, eyes leaking. Thoughts awhirl, longing to just end it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel very low.

Even the fact that I'm down should be making me feel better. Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I long to sink so low I'd exit this planet? Didn't I crave for it to get so bad that I'd be driven to quit?

Well watch what you ask for, you just might get it.

And getting it I am. The pain is unbearable and I don't know where it comes from. It seems so hopeless, so pointless. Life is a waste and I'm tired of it. I want off this whirly gig we call earth. I'm tired of disliking myself. I'm tired of leaking eyes. I'm tired of dark and hopeless thoughts. Why think at all? Why can't I just put a stop to it? God cursed me when He gave me the ability to think.

Right now I want nothing as badly as I want it to end. I want to cut, and cut deeply. I want to cut so deep the bleeding never stops. I want to hurt for real, not this nameless pain that lives inside me. I want to carve my disgust into my flesh for the entire world to read once I'm gone.

I'm losing it this morning, big time. I can't stop the tears from flowing, I want to go sit in a corner and sob and beat my head on the wall. I want to knock myself senseless for all eternity.

I have to stop the tears. I have to get some semblance of control back. I have to function. I have to go to work. How am I ever going to make it through this day in this condition?

I hate this life. I hate this curse. Damn it, I'm due to be coming out the other side of this why isn't it happening?

I'm torn, the lower I go, the more it hurts, the stronger the attraction. I want to keep on sinking until I drown and it ends for all time. But I can't take the pain. I wish there were a pain killer that could numb you to all emotional and mental pain.

God damn it, I just wish I had the fortitude to end it. I feel so alone. If I were truly as alone as I feel then ending it would be easy. Why then do I feel so alone?

I managed to put a good strong face on it yesterday. I even managed some small moments of hope. I think the mask I wore fooled everyone. I struggled hard to keep the pain off my face and out of my voice, to make my demeanor shout out that I'm normal and stable. I managed some smiles, my face cracking as it did. I know the smiles did not touch my eyes, I could feel it. Yet I was incapable of making that happen.

I want to retreat from the world, have the world leave me completely alone. I do not want the world's pity or sympathy. I just want to be left alone, as alone as I feel. I want to get off this world, once and for all. I'm not part of it anyway so why should I have to keep my seat, keep riding the merry-go-round, all alone. I can't do this anymore. I don't even want to ask for strength to get through it. I only want the strength to end it.

I have no light left inside me, only the infernal black. Deeper then the black of night, it's the darkness of death. Why then does death elude me?

I needed to get it out but I did not want to bring doom and gloom to anyone else. It's just that the bitter bile fills me, makes me sick and if I don't vomit it out into the world then it will consume me.