The Wrong Vampire

      The Wrong Vampire 

Beauregard Johnston was driving his mother's heavily rusted 1992 Ford pickup truck on county road 451 after a trip to Spooners gas station and convenience store. Two boxes of assorted, day-old, half-priced doughnuts sat in his lap. His mouth watered as he glanced at the glazed calorie bombs. At more than three hundred pounds, he didn't need doughnuts, but his resistance to temptation was lower than his intelligence, which placed him last in his high school graduating class at John C. Calhoun high school.

As he drove slowly in the pitch-black night, his chin was on the top of the steering wheel to aid his myopic vision. He constantly turned his head, and his eyes darted about. My mother will kill me if I hit an animal, he thought.

"Oh my, God," he said, when he saw a woman in a long summer dress walking along the shoulder on his side of the road, no more than fifty yards in front of him. Beauregard slowed down; steering toward the center of the narrow two-lane road, but the woman lurched towards the middle. The front bumper of the truck hit the woman sending her into the air and off to the side of the road.

He slammed on the brakes, but the truck skidded many yards. His heart hammered as he opened the door and heaved himself out of the truck. He took constant deep breaths while he stared at the woman lying motionless on the ground. Because of the darkness, he couldn't make out any details. He reached into the glove compartment for a flashlight, turned it on, and waddled as fast as he could to the woman's body.

When he shined his flashlight on her, he couldn't see any injuries. He leaned over and turned her shoulder so he could see her face.

"Ma'am, are you okay?" he asked. Her eyes were closed, and there was no obvious damage. How come there's not even a scratch? She was a modestly attractive, though very pale, blond haired woman, with full red lips. He got down on his knees and put his ear over her mouth to determine if she was breathing.

He heard her grunt and sighed with relief. "Ow," he said as he started to raise his head. When he reached for his neck, he felt two long teeth and heard a sucking sound

. Suddenly the woman flipped him over and sat astride with her teeth still buried in his neck. The vampire sucked Beauregard's blood until she withdrew her fangs, sat up, and looked at her victim.

"Yuck," Julia Longstreet said, looking at Beauregard's pudgy cheeks, fat lips, and small pig-like eyes.

Coming down from a marijuana induced high inhibited her ability to think clearly. 

"Oh my god, I've taken blood from the human," Julia said aloud.

She talked to herself, a result of living alone for so long. "I can't leave him here by the side of the road," she muttered. She put him over her shoulder and dumped his body in the bed of the truck.

Julia staggered to the driver's seat, still woozy from her stokes. "Thanked goodness he left the keys in the ignition.” After getting into the truck, she put her head on the steering wheel. "My Cadillac Coupeville is up the road in a ditch," she said aloud. "The last drag on the marijuana cigarette caused me to drive off the road."

"What am I going to do?” she said, continuing to talk to herself. "This young man is barely alive. I can bury him in the deep woods where he will never be found." She shuddered because she had never taken a human life. "My only other option is to take him back to my house and turn him into a vampire."

After turning on the ignition, she drove until she reached her car. She drove the pickup into the brush by the side of the road and turned off the ignition. Then she transferred the young man from the truck to the trunk of her 1989 Cadillac Coupeville.

She drove back to her house near Florence, a quarter-mile off a lightly traveled county road. After parking the car in the garage, she carried the man into the house and dumped him on the floor of a spare bedroom. 

"I've got to start converting him now, or he will die," Julia said aloud.

She got on her knees, cutting her left wrist with her fingernail. When she took some of her blood and put it on the young man's lips, his tongue came out and lapped it up. She widened the cut so the blood flowed freely. He drank the fluid slowly at first, then faster, until Julia pulled away.

"I'll leave him where he is, because he'll be in a fever for a couple of days," she muttered. She looked at her watch. "Almost dawn. Time to get in my sealed room." 

                                                               ***

When Beauregard's mother, Ella Mae Johnson, awoke the next morning, Regis and Kelly were chatting away on the television set in the living room. She yawned and looked at the clock. "Just past 10 am," she muttered as she scratched under arms. She yawned again and she went to the kitchen. After making a pot of coffee, she yelled, "Beauregard, where the hell are you?" She waited a few minutes and knocked on the door to his room. When he didn't answer, she opened the door and stared at Beauregard's empty bed. "What is that boy up to?" she muttered.

A harsh scowl crossed her large, fleshy face when she went outside. "Where is my damn truck?" she shouted.

With highly plucked, overarched eyebrows, a heavily veined nose, and large jowls, Ella Mae was as unattractive as her son. "That boy knows he's never supposed to take my truck without permission." She went back into the house and punched a number into her cell phone.

"Who's there?" Maybelline Collins asked.

"It’s Ella Mae."

"What y'all want?"

"Beauregard's not home and my truck is missing. Can I borrow your pickup to go look for him?"

"Shoot, I'll come with you. Pick you up in twenty minutes."

Maybelline, who weighed more than two hundred fifty pounds, went to her closet to select a clean moo-moo. She changed from slippers into bright red Crocs, took a last swig of cold coffee, and then got into her 1996 Chevy pickup. For a change, it started on the first try, roaring to life with seven of its eight cylinders working. She drove the pickup to the other end of the trailer court where Ella Mae was waiting. Maybelline leaned over, opened the passenger door, and Ella Mae hoisted her two hundred pound body into the passenger seat.

"Where to?" asked Maybelline.

"The boy likely went to Spooner's last night for doughnuts. Let's start there."

They hadn't gone but two miles down the road when they saw Ella Mae's pickup truck sitting in the pine trees twenty feet from the road.

"What the hell has that idiot son of mine done to my truck? Stay here while I go investigate."

Ella Mae slid out of the pickup truck and trudged through the underbrush. W have hen she opened the driver's door, she saw the boxes of doughnuts. She climbed into the truck but didn't see her son in the pickup bed. Then she got out of the truck and walked into the underbrush

"Beauregard. Beauregard where the hell are you?” she yelled.

"Damn," she said as thorny branches tore her arms and dress. "Enough of this crap."

She turned, got back into the truck, and drove out of the brush. She continued through the small ditch, and back onto the road just in front of Maybelline's truck.

Maybelline pulled up next to Ella Mae and yelled, "What next?"

Ella Mae shouted back, "I've got my truck. The boy will turn up." Then she drove back to the trailer park with Maybelline following close behind.

                                                                   ***

On awakening the following evening, Julia said to herself, "I'm becoming too dependent on marijuana.” She periodically swore off marijuana, but this had no effect on her behavior... She went to the guest bedroom and looked at the large young man lying on the floor. He moaned feverishly and his face was a bright red. "He'll keep while he turns into a vampire."

                                       ***

The next evening, when Beauregard awoke, he was able to sit up, but not get to his feet. Where am I? he wondered as he looked at the unfamiliar room. He couldn't remember anything that happened after he hit the woman on the road. Soreness in the right side of his neck drew his attention, and he put his hand on the area. It was hot and swollen, and he could feel two small holes in the middle of the area. What's happened to me?"

At that moment, Julia entered to the room.

"Who are you?" Beauregard asked in a quivering voice.

"I'm Julia Longstreet."

"What am I doing here?"

"I took you to my home after you ran into me with your pickup truck.

Beauregard shook his head, confused by what the woman said. "If I hit you with my truck how did I end up in your home?"

"I got angry after you ran into me. So I bit you in the neck and drank your blood. If I had left you alone, or put you in the woods, you would've died. I decided to turn you into a vampire."

"You did what?" Beauregard yelped.

"You heard me. You've become a vampire. Because I turned you, I'll teach you what you need to know to survive." 

"I'm a vampire?" Beauregard wailed, sobbing heavily, while his body shook. 

"I have no experience turning humans into vampires," but I'll do my best to help you."

When Beauregard continued to wail, she smacked him on the cheek. "That's what my mother did when I started bawling."

"Ow!" Beauregard yelled, tears still streaming down his face. He held his hand to the cheek looking up at the woman standing in front of him. Her face seemed familiar, but he couldn't remember meeting her.

"What are you going to do with me? 

"I told you I was going to teach you how to survive as a vampire." Julia scowled as she looked at Beauregard. "What's your name?"

"Beauregard," he whimpered. "But what if I don't want to be a vampire?"

"It can't be undone. Think of the bright side. You're now immortal."

He sobbed again because he gained an immortal life but had lost his immortal soul. He was a devout Baptist:  learning that he had become an evil creature filled him with self-revulsion

Lord," he said, clasping his hands and kneeling on the floor.

Julie screamed, "Stop. Y'all get us both killed. If your addled brain thinks you have to pray, do it outside."

He got up and walked outside to the middle of the yard. Then he fell to his knees and began praying. "Lord, I'm a sinner."

Before he could utter another word, a lightning bolt struck a tree several feet away

Severely startled, he wasn't sure what to make of this and once more started praying. But as soon as he said "Lord" again, another lightning bolt destroyed the rest of the stump of the tree, which was enough of a hint for him to stop praying.

Dazed, Beauregard stood up and wandered back into the house. He looked at Julia like a six-year-old child lost at a large shopping mall.

"Beauregard, were you listening to what I said?" Julia asked. "From now on you must do exactly as I tell you to. Do you understand that?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Now sit down on that couch," she said, pointing to an old floral sofa. "First off, vampires don't take blood from humans anymore."

"But you took mine."

Julia sighed. "I already told you that I did so because I was angry when you ran into me. It's not necessary for vampires to attack humans to get blood. We get all the blood we need from blood banks and store a supply in our refrigerators. You must never tell anyone that you are a vampire. If you can't get to a blood bank, you can get blood from a deer.

You can also get blood from a stray cow. However, this can be dangerous because every farmer has a gun. While pellets or bullets can't hurt you, the farmer will learn there is a vampire nearby. The survival of vampires depends on mortals believing that they are mythical creatures.” 

While Julia talked, Beauregard fixed his small pig-like eyes on her trying to remember all she told him. Unfortunately, Beauregard could assimilate a limited amount of information in any one time.

"You need a safe place to rest during the night, because you can't ever let sunlight touch you."

"I know that," Beauregard said. "I've seen dozens of vampire movies on the television."

"Where do you live?"

"With my mama in a trailer park."

"You can't continue to do that."

"Why not?" Beauregard's furrowed brow evidenced his confusion and distress. Then his face lit up with a smile. "I know. I can put up dark shades in my bedroom."

"Do you want your God-fearing mother to know that you're a vampire?" Julia frowned, shaking her head.

"Hadn't thought about that." A sad look came over his face. "Does that mean I'll never get to see my mama again?

"You can pay visits to your mother at night, but you can't tell her what you've become."

"It'll be my secret." He smiled, proud of himself.

"You're going to need a car and a place to live."

"I can't afford that. I don't have twenty dollars."

Julia sighed. "I'll take care of it.” She turned aside and muttered, "This could cost me $10,000 before I'm finished. It's a good thing my guy left me a lot of money."

  Looking back at Beauregard, Julia said, “I'll take you to the blood bank in Florence so they know who you are."

"Thanks. You're being so kind to me." Beauregard, grateful for Julia's help, forgot she was the cause of his current predicament. 

The next night Julia took Beauregard to the blood bank used by the vampires in that area.

After Julia knocked on the back door, Wilbur Martin, the manager, opened it, letting her and Beauregard inside.

"How are you, Julia?” Wilbur asked.

"Just fine," she said. "How are you doin?"

"Couldn't be better."

"This is my friend Beauregard."

Wilbur, nodded slightly, but didn't say anything.

Beauregard nodded in return.

"I've got your blood in the refrigerator," Wilbur said. "Won't be a minute."

"Take your time," Julia said. "Do you mind if I call your cousin, Evan?"

"No problem."

She walked into the parlor and dialed the phone. "Hello, Evan, this is Julia Longstreet." She listened for a moment and said, "I'm doing real fine. And you?” She listened once more, and asked, "What ya got on your lot that's real cheap.” She nodded as Evan talked. "The 2000 Toyota pickup sounds good," she said, "What ya want for it?" Julia shook her head. "Twenty seven hundred fifty is too high. I give ya two thousand two hundred fifty for it." She waited a moment. "It's a deal. I appreciate it if you'd bring the truck and all the paperwork to my place tomorrow night at eight." She nodded a couple of times. "Great. I'll see then."

Beauregard stared at Julia with wide-open eyes. He'd never heard a car transaction take place so quickly.

"Here ya are," Wilbur said as he handed Julia a plastic cooler containing the whole blood.

"Thanks so much. Would ya put it on my tab?"

"No problem."

Wilbur opened the door for Julia and Beauregard. "It's been a pleasure doing business with y'all."

"Same here, Wilbur," Julia said as she walked to the car. "Now all I have to do is find him a place to live," she said under her breath.

The next night Julia called Elsie Mendelson, a second cousin of Evan, who was a realty agent. "Elsie, this is Julia Longstreet. Your cousin Evan said I should give your call. I'm looking for cheap housing for a relative of mine.” She nodded her head for a while as she listened to Elsie." I'll wait for your call tomorrow night. Thanks."

She turned to Beauregard. "Elsie said she'd call tomorrow with several places for us to look at."

"That's good," Beauregard said, smiling at the thought of having his own home.

When the phone rang the next night, Julia picked it up and said, "Hi, Elsie.” She nodded as she listened for a while. "The old furnished trailer with the working appliances sounds like a good prospect. Can ya come by tonight?” She smiled and hung up the phone.

"Beauregard, Elsie will be here in twenty minutes."

A big grin broke out on Beauregard's face.

A half hour later Elsie came by in her 2006 Honda Accord. When Elsie got out of her car, Julia and Beauregard were waiting on the steps. Elsie, a slight woman in her mid-fifties, had frosted blond hair and full lips enhanced with a modest dose of collagen.

"Nice to meetcha," said Elsie as she shook hands with Julia. 

"My pleasure," replied Julia.

Elsie swallowed hard as she watched her hand swallowed by Beauregard's large paw. 

"Y'all ready to go?" asked Elsie.

"Sure nough," said Julia.

After they got in her car, Elsie drove to the paved road, and continued through Florence, past the airport, and finally made a right hand turn onto a dirt road that led up to an old trailer.

"This is it," Elsie said, and got out of the car.

Julia turned her head towards the cable coming out of the trailer leading to the utility pole forty feet away. "How much?" she asked.

"I'd need at least ten thousand dollars for the property and the trailer."

"I'll give you five thousand," said Julia.

"Eighty five hundred," Elsie countered.

"Seventy five hundred," said Julia a second later.

"Done," Elsie said, and the two women shook hands. 

Beauregard went into the trailer and turned on the light. There was a small refrigerator, an electric oven, all of them old, but in usable condition. When he examined the rest of the trailer, he found an old green couch, a twenty-one inch television set that gave him a fuzzy, but still viewable picture. There was a queen-size bed in the bedroom. 

"Well, what do you think?" Elsie asked.

"It's fine." Beauregard smiled.

"Can you bring the papers by tomorrow night so Beauregard can move into his new home?" Julia asked.

"No problem." Elsie already had the papers in an envelope. "Will eight o'clock work for you?"

"Just fine," Julia said. "Can y'all bring a notary with you?"

"I'm a notary," Elsie said.

"That'll work." Julia said. 

"Well, Beauregard, how do you feel about having your own car and own home?" Julia asked.

A big, sheepish grin broke out on Beauregard's face.

Two nights late at Julia sat at the table with Beauregard. "Here are the keys to the Ford pickup, and the bill of sale you'll need to get a title from the state." 

"Yes ma'am." Beauregard didn't know anything about how to get a title since his mother always took care of that. But he wasn't going to bother Miss Julia anymore after she had gotten him a car and a home.

"I'm giving you a fresh pint of blood in this little freezer chest, and here's a little something to help you get started." Julia handed Beauregard two fifty dollar bills. "I want to wish you the best of luck." She led Beauregard to the front door.

"Thank you so much, Miss Julia." He gawked at the two fifty bills.

Beauregard went out the door, got into his pickup truck, and drove out the driveway. "It's a shame I can't drink because I could use a large Mint Julep right now," she said.

Beauregard found his trailer with the detailed map Juliet had drawn for him. He scavenged up boards to cover the windows of his bedroom to keep light out during the day. His handiwork, though sloppy, accomplished its goal because he awoke the next night. He watched television for the next two nights, but on the third night, he couldn’t resist consuming the pint of blood that Julia had given him.

Three nights later, he called the blood bank and arranged to meet the manager just as Julia had done. The next night he bought a pint of blood with the money that Julia had given him. However, that was the last of his money, which ruled out the possibility of buying more blood. 

When the hunger next came on him, he remembered what Juliet told them about getting blood from a deer.

However, his first, and only, attempt to take blood from a deer ended poorly. Even though he could see clearly at night and was stronger and faster, he was still a three-hundred pound oaf, clumsier than a large pig in a fancy downtown Charleston china shop.

Instead of stalking the deer by coming downwind from it, he charged the animal as if he were a middle linebacker chasing after a quarterback. This didn't work with a deer that nimbly changed directions much quicker than Beauregard. In addition, his huge girth made it difficult for him to penetrate the dense undergrowth. After thirty minutes, Beauregard was further from his prey than when he started. He quit and went back to his trailer, still hungry.

Beauregard was ravenous when he awoke the next night, but wasn't interested in tracking down another deer. He decided to get nourishment from a nearby farm. Unfortunately, he chose to hunt on the night of a full moon.

. After stumbling over a fence to get to the Holsteins on a nearby farm, he was able to chase down an aging cow. Beauregard moved in for his meal, but he had barely sunk his fangs into the neck of the poor beast when he heard a shotgun blast and felt the double ought pellets hitting his side. Though almost impervious to the effect of the pellets, the second blast caught him in the upper chest and face. This caused him some pain, but so much embarrassment that he began to cry and fled the scene lumbering back to his trailer.

Now that he was a vampire, Beauregard could see in the dark. However, his tears blurred his vision, and he didn't see an old, broken down fence line in front of him. He tripped over some wire attached to an old post, and fell forward towards a split half of a post that was sharp as a stake. This turned out to be Beauregard's last piece of misfortune in a luckless life. When he fell on the sharpened edge of the wooden post, it pierced his heart ending his existence. In a few minutes, he was no more than ashes scattered by the wind.