FEAR

Feelings, they are powerful, be it good or be it bad,
I can deal with most of them, but FEAR gets me mad,
At myself at first, for feeling too weak to fight it off,
Once it has gripped me and envelopes me, I am at its mercy until it decides it's had enough.

Emotions, again I feel and I deal, with real FEAR I can bargain with it, decide what I need to do to depart from it, or remove myself from the situation in which it has me so.

Another FEAR for me, which i find hard to find reprieve, is irrational FEAR.  This one knows me too well, this one can always tell, when to approach me and how to goad me into it's spiraling hell.

Rationalise! I tell myself, think this thing through, do you deserve this FEAR, is it affecting you....but my rationality is weak, decides to play hide and seek, and it goes to a place where I cannot find it, no matter how hard I look.

It starts with the stomach churns, the unusual sensations of chilling the burns, am I hot? am I cold? I can't feel anything real now, for it has me wrapped up, like a present for its master, offering me gladly, and it knows me well, it can trasport me from happiness into it's shivering hell.

My mind races with pace, I cannot stop the roulette that is now my brain, running images of "what if's" through my ever panicking mind.....I'm now shaking with the FEAR, it has stepped up a gear and decides it's now time, to further play with my mind.  I can't think straight, I'm caught, my body is tense, my muscles are taught.  The adrenalin pumps through me with a charging force, to convince my entire body that there is reason that FEAR has this mission.

In the beginning I would succumb, sometimes for hours on end, crawling into a ball, looking for my friend, rationality, where are you, please come back to me now, I need to you tell me, I need you to show me somehow, a way out of this place, I don't belong here I'm scared, but it would hide for a little longer than it should, and I would always wait for it, as that was all I could do....wait.

Now that FEAR i refer to, still chaps my door from time to time, only now I am prepared and I can tell the signs.  Sure it still gains entry, without me knowinly opening the door, but once it's inside, it get's told "No More!"

My irrational FEARS, will probably visit me forever, but at least now I have a weaponery, ready and far more clever, than it with its tactics and mind games galore, my weapons are stronger and rationality protects me once more. 

It doesn't play the same hide and seek games, in the days of years before, it's straight by my side as soon as it hears the familiar knock on the door.