Benchmarks

Ah, the dreaded mid-life crisis. Feeling life is half over, more than half really. My waistline is gone, no matter how many sit-ups I do at the gym and the highlights in my hair are more reminiscent of my grandmother’s color than blond. The thing is, 50 really snuck up on me and I don’t know exactly how it happened. I chewed on it, obsessed, trying to make sense of the time lapse and memory loss until it hit me - I have no benchmarks.

A benchmark is used to measure other like items. Take the S&P 500 Index¬ – a listing of the 500 largest U.S. companies’ stock prices, used as a barometer or benchmark to measure the health (or ills) of our economy. Without benchmarks, I have no traditional way of marking off the days, months or years of my life. Most people use their children, marking life passages like Suzie’s first word, Tommie’s first day of school, and Kathy’s graduation, all benchmarks that occur inside every family’s personal melodrama.

But by choice, I have no children. So how do child-free (versus childless) adults track their benchmarks to tick off the days of their lives? I asked my best friend, also child-free, who responded, “If I’m older, so are you.” Not really the response I expected. No understanding coming from that direction.

What major life events measures time? I considered the myriad of jobs held over the years. I tend to switch careers more often than some trade-in cars. Over the decades I have labored as a meeting planner, real estate agent, and a financial advisor, just to name a few. The problem with using my careers, though, is there are just too many of them; they blur together, not giving me any one, special event to latch on to. Large families must have the same problem -was that the year Suzie took her first step or was it Lois cutting her first tooth? Did Kenny score the winning touchdown in ’94 or was that the year Steve slugged his grand slam?

I realized I have the next best thing after children. Alright, better than children – dogs. I could mark the passage of time by special episodes with my beloved pets. But then, dogs die much too soon and as unnatural as it is for a parent to outlive their child, I thought better of using my pets as my personal time line.

Then it hit me! My benchmarks could be houses; brick and mortar edifices that I refurbish and then change every 3 to 4 years. That’s right, I forgot to mention I was a professional “flipper,” renovating houses before it got trendy and was plastered all over the cable channels. Whenever I recall some major life event, I ask my husband, “Do you remember what year it was we went to Ireland on vacation? Were we living in the old stone house or had we already moved on to the cul-de-sac?”

But the problem with houses is they tend to stay static. They don’t grow up, wreck the car or get married. Time stands still inside. Remember the scenario, if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound? Does time really pass inside the walls of a house without some kind of benchmark to highlight the occurrence? I don’t think so. That’s how my 50th birthday snuck up on me.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had major life events, some good, some not so good. My husband and I have a life, we really do. We run a business together, travel and generally live the “good life” that many of our friends are envious of, mainly because we have no children to worry us or suck our checkbook dry. We’ve had “events” but not the usual amount of “benchmarks.”

The answer then revealed itself. Like the tree in the forest that isn’t heard, without benchmarks I won’t grow older. When I attend reunions or run into old friends and they tell me I look terrific, I’ll smile and nod my thanks. I know I look good – I have no benchmarks, so I’m not really 50. Everyone else is.