Flowers for Dad

Flowers for Dad


Today I bought some flowers
and took them to your grave
I know I promised long ago but
life got in my way.

And if I were to tell the truth
I was scared to come to you
You were my first love, you broke my heart
so I never really grew.

I stood beside your grave today
and wondered if you knew,
I wondered if you waited for me
like I used to wait for you.

I wondered if you knew I was there
Or if your spirit was long gone,
if you could do it all again
would you still stay far from home.

You never knew how much I cared,
How I wanted you to love me,
You never knew how much I wanted
A father that cared about me.

You did not seem to understand
that your children loved you
We loved you when you smiled at us
we loved you when you hurt us.

You never knew we sat outside
each night waiting for you to come home.
All the cars, they passed us by
you never did come home.

And when you did come home to us
you were to drunk to care
you said such awful things to us
and left the bruises there.

I stood beside your grave today
And thought about the gun
you put against your head and pulled
the trigger with your thumb.

I wondered if you ever thought
of what your actions did
Of the grief and pain you left behind
and the shame we all would feel.

I stood there and looked at your grave
I did not shed a tear
But I knew that deep inside my heart
my love for you is near.

I have it in a real safe place
where I very seldom go
Because even all these year later
The pain is still aglow.

I never did the things you wanted
I tried but I was weak.
I did not think I deserved your love
Nor that of other men I would meet.

I spent a large portion of my life
with men who hurt me just like you
I did not understand that I
deserved to be loved, not used.

Today I brought you flowers
and put them on your grave
the first time in almost 20 years
and still I did not grieve

         Then I went to visit two more graves
lying side by side
And as I stood by these two graves
I was really, really sad.

In these two graves lying side by side
are my mother and my brother
they loved me even when I was sure
I did not deserve for them to bother.

After putting flowers on their graves
I sat down to be near to them
I listened to the birds nesting in the tree
singing a peaceful song to help me through my grief

I wanted you to love me, I could never make it happen
no matter what I said or did you never loved me back,
I ran away, I did such things I did not know any better
I only wanted you to stay home and not leave bruises on my body.

And every time I ran away
I always came right back
I could not stay away from home even though I knew what would happen
you would beat me and call me names and I would not retort
I would stay and take it and wonder why I could not be what you wanted.

But now I'm growing old myself and have come to understand
that people in this world, well they do what they are taught
And if I wasn't good enough I can only say I'm sorry
and try to forgive you before I die and have to meet my God.

I learned alot since you've been gone
I learned that love can be real
I found someone who loves me
and he keeps the night terrors away.

But sometimes late at night
when sleep eludes me
I think of things that should have been
Of times you shuold have listened

I don't know if we will meet on the other side
I don't hold much hope for that
but if we do meet when I cross the veil
I hope we will be happy.

I know I love you still, you were my dad
but I don't trust you even now
Because the fear and shame still live
Deep within my soul.

Today I bought you flowers
and left them on your grave
I know I promised long ago
but my life got in the way.

ajmoss 
Originally written Nov 30, 2008