Choice - Chapter One + Chapter Two

Chapter One – The Beginning of the End., Or So it Would Seem.

You're going to be fine, I repeated to myself over and over again. You're going to be fine Mia. As much as I could tell myself this, weather or not I would believe it, would be another matter, for it seemed things were never fine. I sat silently in my room, waiting for it. Waiting for that knock on the door. I knew who it was going to be before I answered it, so I sat waiting for what seemed like years. 4:00pm. That was the usual time he came, every day for the past 6 months; don't know why he bothered, I didn't want to know, never have done. Mum was different though, she felt lonely, and in many ways I know inside I should feel some empathy for her- but I couldn't. It seemed she felt no love for me since... well since it happened, but she wanted and claimed she needed someone, something. Not a daughter though, no she never wanted that. Neither did he, not me, just the idea of a family which both he knows and I know that he once had it all, he was the one to ruin that- in more ways than one.

Alcohol. The word I hated most, the word that ruined both mine and my whole family's life, the word that killed my little brother. There was a reason for all of this. A reason for my dad to be banging away on our door day and night, a reason for my mum to be clinically depressed, and finally and it seemed less important than the others, but the reason for me feeling alone and inevitably closed off to everyone. At this moment in my life, at 15 when everything is supposed to be exciting and new, I feel the worst I have ever felt. Nothing seems right with my world, and everyone around me seems to be moving on without a care in the world. I wish more than anything for that, for a sign that can give me a reason for enjoying my life and having a reason to awake every morning.

“Amelia! You open this door this s-s-second. I mean it-t.” the familiar slurred voice of my Dad echoed through my walls, and I don't know why my stomach hit the floor, I knew this was coming, but my body seemed to follow the direction of my stomach and joined it on the floor, whilst my eyes began to leak tears that I know well. “Madison!” he screamed like a banshee. Won't be long, won't be long. He'll be gone soon. Mum will come out of that room and sort him out.. She will. I kept repeating this over again, convincing myself that everything will be okay. I heard the sound of the deceiving key as Mum unlocked our front door and sighed. Silence was all I heard, He must of collapsed, again, and that's the way I wanted it. For him not to speak, not to be involved, I wished for this every day. That some day Mum would realise what he has done to us, and understand how we don't need him if we have each other. “Ha”, I reluctantly laughed to myself, I knew that would never happen, she would always need someone, always need him; for a reason I will never know. 4.30pm now. Mum would have took him down the street away from us, at least whilst he was unconscious he didn't worm his way back into her thoughts. I had till 9 to convince her to not pass another thought about him, wouldn't do any good I knew, but I wasn't about to give up, not yet. The door banged loud and ferocious- she wasn't happy at all, never was. I gathered myself together, and did what I did everyday, I put on a smile and pretended to be someone I wasn't. I trudged down the stairs slowly, wanting to know what had happened with my mum. Running into the dull, lifeless room I noticed my mum sitting there, appearing as lifeless as our deteriorated living room; I was going to need all the luck in the world to get through to her.

She looked at me, eyes wide and deep in thought, I walked to her side and I looked deep into her eyes, there was nothing behind them, she was oblivious to her surroundings. “Mum”, I stuttered. “What- what happened. Has he gone?” Silence. “Mum! Answer me!” Again, silence. The only sound I heard was the dripping coming from the roof, that mum had promised to sort out 2 months ago. I tried to calm myself down and approach this another way. “Look, we need to talk about this. He can't be doing this every day. It's not doing you any good. The doctors told you so. You need to distant yourself from stress; and he is the main cause of it all. He always has been.” I commented quietly, hoping for her to respond this time. Nothing. I began again. “M-M” I whispered. “NO!” She interrupted. Well at least she spoke, which is more than can be said for previous attempts. “Don't you dare say one more word against that man. He is my husband. I can't let him go. I just can't okay. Stress, him!? Ha! Your the one causing me stress. Trying to poison my mind against the man I love.” She accused with a bitter mouth.
I couldn't believe what she was saying, I can't take this. I am supposed to be the vulnerable child, the one who needs a mother, and here I am trying to help her. She looked at me with accusing eyes, like I was the one in the wrong, I stared back knowing she knew the truth. I couldn't hide my emotions any more, there was no running from the truth this time, not now. I stared deep into her eyes, not knowing where to start, but I knew one thing that was true, perhaps mentioning it would help her see sense. “I am the one causing stress!?” I began in a relatively quiet and calm for the way I felt. I couldn't sustain that for long. “Me! Take a look at yourself Mum! Just look at the mess you have become. Look at me. Have you not noticed how distant I have become since... you can't even bring yourself to look at me”. My voice was growing louder every second, and my body felt like a timed bomb about to go off as she just stared off into space like nothing was happening. “Mum! You are willing to let that creature to come back into our lives. That sick drunk that killed your own son. I knew you were an idiot but I didn't even begin to think you were so cold-hearted.” She brought a finger to her lips, and began to answer my thoughts. “Don't. Don't mention him.” she spoke in her dainty innocent voice, thinking it would soften me up. Not this time. “What? You don't like remembering what he did, do you Mum? No. You never had. I've tried day in and day out to figure out what goes through your mind. How can you consider letting him back? He is a drunk, a drunk, that seemed to forget that your not supposed to drive when you have consumed over a bottle of vodka. And with his 5 year old son in the car. I know you don't want to think about it, but it's been a year and still, you haven't mentioned Alfie. You just seem to live your life thinking your the only one hurting.” I couldn't believe I was saying this, it didn't feel right. I knew this was wrong and I should support her, but how could I even consider that when she was doing this to me. To Alfie's memory. No, I missed him more than anything, and if she had the slightest ounce of compassion for him, she would wish Dad to go to hell, as I did. I continued to stare at the shell of a woman in front of me, she was not my Mum. She never would be. “Just try to see my point Mum, try” I whispered taking the light approach. She sighed, stood solemnly and stalked out the room, and I could hear the faint sound of her voice talking under her breath saying “I don't need this. Who does she think she is?” as she walked up our stairs. Ugh.

I slumped silently on the worn crimson chair and sighed, it felt nothing was going to get better. As far as I'm concerned it seems there's no point in me even trying to make sense of my life. What's the point in me even existing, I'm a crap daughter, I'm currently failing most lessons, I'll never amount to anything, my family is screwed up. And just to top it all off I have virtually no friends apart from the one and only Kelley Parker who, bless her, has been there from day one. She understands the way my life works, but it doesn't help she is attending a private school, has a perfect family home life and is drop dead gorgeous. You see, she has everything I wish for. The only other friend I have is good old Kiera Hearts who I've known since I was an infant. It's pretty sad really, she's 25 and is one of my closest friends, what a life eh? I love both Kelley and Kiera and their the only things keeping me going at the moment. But is that even enough now?

Staring at the loving images on the decaying mantelpiece of how things used to be, before my world seemed to be full of deceit., my mind thought back to those days. Sighing, I stood up to examine my happier days before I even realised the damage of the stresses of life. Photograph one made me smile. It was me and my late brother Alfie, at the age of 11, I seemed so carefree and radiant with a smile that sent a chill down my spine. Why couldn't I smile like that again? I asked myself. Although it was only 4 years now, it seemed like decades since I'd seen my little brother. I was encapsulated with his beautiful big blue eyes. Yes, he would've broke some hearts if he had lived. If he'd have been given the chance, if his chance wasn't stolen by that, thing, that thing that my mother had called her husband. I loved my brother so much, and still did entirely. I would've given anything in the world to see him one more time, to tell him everything was going to be okay, none of that mattered to Mum. It seemed to me she couldn't care less about his memory. Of course the docs at the hospital claim the depression to be the cause of Mum's loss, but I knew it wasn't the loss of her little boy, it was the loss of that man. She never cared very much for us, I'd noticed that from an early age, when Kiera had to come and put us to bed when Mum and Dad went out for the night 6 nights in a row. It seemed so simple then to just forget, but not now, not when I had lost everything.

I took a glance at that second photograph, framed in a dark mahogany wood. I couldn't smile at this one, there was no words for the feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach as I glared into the eyes of him. My father. The one man I wished dead. I know this was a very unhealthy thought for me to contain inside me, but I could not possibly feel anything but hatred for this man. My earliest memories of him, was drunkenness and violence. He needed to be locked up with the key threw away, but with the policing system there was not enough evidence for what he did to little Alfie. Ha, there sure was enough evidence for the abuse he gave my mum. All the fists, the kicks and the lies, yes there was well enough evidence for that. But Mum being Mum, wouldn't say a bad word against him, so no prosecution. I flipped that photograph downwards in disgust, I couldn't bare to look into his eyes for one more second. How could Mum even keep that picture? Part of me wanted to pick it up and burn it into a million tiny pieces. My eyes gave up the fight, and tears flowed continuously knowing the truth that I hated my own father. My heart felt like it was going to explode with anger as I knew that my own mother couldn't and wouldn't see how much this was hurting me, her own daughter. I wanted my own back on my Dad, I wanted to prove to my Mum what a evil man he was. I advanced stiffly to the main mirror in the corner of the dim room, and stared at myself through blurry unclear eyes. I wiped the tears with my sleeve and concentrated on looking at my features.

Blue eyes. Blonde hair. It was him all over. My Dad, the man I hated. Why in the world did I inherit his genes. Part of me was scared, what if I turned into him, what if my genes were too similar and I turned into a monster like him? No, I shook my head in denial. I wouldn't turn into that. Pulling at my frizzy blonde hair I laughed. Who are you Mia? Your nothing. Nobody will love you. Who would? These thoughts whizzed around my head like angry bees, and I couldn't stop them. I thought back to Kelley. She was stunning, amazing. Compared to that, what was I? I thought to Kiera who had had more boyfriends than hot dinners, I wouldn't have one. I'd end up lonely like my mother. I was nothing, nobody looked twice at me in school, they never would. Nothing special I'm sure. Maybe if I put my hair like this I thought to myself twisting my hair into a quiff. No, still nothing special. I never would be to anyone.

Giving up with my looks, I reverted back to that crimson chair. Looking around my surroundings, I noticed how this room had changed. The red and white curtains were closed, sealing away any sign of light in the room. The paint on the walls was cracked and close to peeling away, much like my hope. Sighing, I looked towards the roof and prayed for something meaningful in my life. Something worth looking forward to everyday. Anything.

Chapter 2- The Visitor

I woke up with the the phone ringing violently in my ear. Lying awkwardly on my side on the sofa, I was disorientated about where I was waking up, but one look at the crumbling walls and I knew full well I was at home. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, they moved cautiously to the clock. 10Pm now. Expecting my Mum to pick up the screeching phone, I lay on my back, wiping the tears that had fallen from my disturbed sleep, no doubt over the situation that was still in the back of my mind. 1 ring. 2 rings. 3 rings. Nothing. Rolling onto my side again, I picked up the phone and spoke. “Hi”. No answer. The line was cut dead now, nobody there. I sighed and began to stretch my stiff muscles by walking quietly up to my Mum's bedroom. Opening the creaking door, I swiftly moved around, and immediately recognised the vile stench of alcohol. How could she? I looked around the corner, and I noticed the empty bed with epic amounts of bottles around the side. I couldn't believe this, after everything that had happened, and even she reverted to the bottle when things got bad? What hope was there for me now? She must have been out with Abbé, boozing it out, she'll be back later, about 4 this morning; no doubt with a new fella. It's quite sad actually, she really needs to see what she looks like to the outside world.

I sat on the bed, feeling like there was nothing which would make this night any worse, then I recognised the sound once more of the telephone. Huffing, I moved my hand towards it, and pressed it to my ear. I spoke quite loudly “Hi... hello?”. Silence. “Mum, is that you? Talk now!? I can't believe you -” I accused. “Shh” I heard in a voice that I did not recognise fully. “I've got a surprise for you princess”. Oh my god. How did... he couldn't. It was him. My dad. He got the number. Our number. I couldn't talk to him, I hated him, so much, I couldn't bare to hear his sick, manipulating voice. “Take some steps outside. I want to see you mother” he said confident and clearly drunk. What was he going to do, I tried to speak, to shout back at him and let him know he was not welcome in my life and Mum's, but when I tried nothing came out of my mouth, just a gasp. I jumped out of my skin when I heard thudding on the front door. My mind whirled with the options of who is was, my head seemed to be in denial that it could possibly be the man that was on the phone to me. I looked at the phone in my hands and they began to shake violently as I shouted down it is a cold, harsh voice. “Just leave me alone! Mum doesn't want anything to do with you, she doesn't need you any more. Neither of us do, okay? Mum does not love you!”. My voice broke and my eyes began to pour with tears. I listened carefully to the brutal voice that responded. “Isn't that for her to decide princess? I know she wants me back. You should of heard her tonight, telling me she wanted me back. Ha”, his cold laugh echoed down the phone, and I shuddered, not believing she had said that.

The phone went dead for a second time, and tears streamed down my cheeks, representing the pain I felt. I let a couple of second pass before I thought it was safe to breathe, and then suddenly I heard another deafening thump at the door. It sent me into shock, and I was anxious and nervous about who it was. I heard a chilling laugh and immediately it seemed my heart stopped beating, it was him. Again I tried to scream, but all that came out was a gasp and an automatic response arose and my legs begun to travel, winding up behind the door. One more bang, and there we were, face to face with each other for the first time in 3 months. The last time I had saw him, was when he pushed me to the floor for expressing my thoughts about what he did to Alfie. He glared down at me with those vicious eyes, and began to reveal his crooked smile. “Hello Princess” he whispered icily. I began to shake my head in response, I couldn't talk, if I did my voice would break into sounds of tears and I wouldn't be able to keep up the role I did every day, that nothing bothered me. “You not going to get your mum for me then?” he replied to my stare. My eyes filled up with millions of tears and I was determined not to let them leak over the brim. I wasn't going to show him I was weak. Before I could summon up the strength to speak, he pushed past me with a force and strode into my house, like he belonged there. “Still nice place Mia. Not changed much has it. Would've thought you'd re-done everything knowing you, eh?” he said, attempting to soften me up. I looked at him and replied, “You don't know anything about me Daniel”, I tried to put off the sounds of my fear, but they couldn't help but to escape. “It's Dad to you Mia. Show a bit of respect” he yelled at me. This was it, the real him. I knew it wouldn't be long till he showed me the man I had known from childhood. I jolted away, and began to show my respect for my baby brother. “How dare you. You are no Dad to me, your nothing. Get that, nothing. You murdered my little brother, your own son, you battered my mother, and you think you have the right, the audacity to step into my Mum's house like you belong here. You make me sick, now get out.” I gasped slightly at my own words, I was secretly proud of myself for saying this with the strength I held. He did not respond, he simply strutted into the front room.

My head was buzzing with confusion. Why now? All the times he could've come here to see Mum, and now? One thing I was sure of though, is I had to get him out of the house before Mum got back, he would only tempt her further. Trying to keep myself calm and collected I followed him into the room, ready to fling him out as soon as I had the chance. I entered the room to find him looking at one of the photographs on the wall, of him and Mum. I laughed to myself, and hearing this he spun around to face me, eyes blazing. “What cha laughing at Amelia?” he spoke in a hostile voice. I wasn't having this, I wasn't prepared to feel threatened in my own home. “It's Mia okay. You. Looking like you actually care about her. About any of us. You have no idea what you have done to her. No idea at all.” I commented with a edge. That only made him smile much more like he had just won a million pound. He even began to laugh. “That's just you all over that is. I don't care about you Amelia.” he explained. I knew that all too well, and although I knew this, it still cut me like a knife. The tears began to fall. He looked at me with sadistic eyes, and then approached me with open arms. I felt like I was going to be sick. He eye balled me and expressed his thoughts “Amelia love. Come give your old Dad a hug now eh?” His voice rocketed my hatred and I pushed him away with all my force. He didn't smile now, he held his well-known livid posture- he was about to explode. “Look, Mum's not in. She's at a club. Just leave me alone and go. I don't want to see you again.” I expressed in a calm tone trying not to set him off. He ambled towards me and my heart began to get faster and faster. He got that close to my face that I could smell the rancid stench of the alcohol he had most probably been consuming since the early hours of this morning, and began to speak in a tone that scared me.

“I know your mother's out you stupid little cow.” He grabbed my shoulder and shook me hard, my heart accelerating rapidly. “Now you listen to me Amelia. You will not tell your Mum I was here, and you definitely will not poison her mind against me any more, or I tell you know I will kill you you pathetic little girl. I've never loved you nor that stupid little boy. Understood? You will listen to me.” he spoke the words quietly and my eyes were no more resisting the tears. My chest felt like something was stabbed through it, and I couldn't believe the words his acidic mouth was saying. I knew he didn't love me but Alfie? He grabbed my jaw, and set my head against the wall. He saw the fear and confusion in my face and spoke again when I was unable to. “You got that? Not one word of this. I want to explain how I wouldn't care if you died right now, you were never my daughter. I just want my house, my respect and my wife back. She knows better than the believe what you say , don't she?” I looked at him icily. He slowly released my face from his firm grasp, and I replied. “But what I say is true” I managed to mutter. He frowned once more and replied “Yes we know that don't we. He began to shift his shirt so he looked smart whilst explaining to me his thoughts. “But she don't and that's the way I want to keep it. I tell you now, you say one more word to her I will come back, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until you run away and leave us in peace. Now I can come back and beat some sense into you, or you can be a good little girl, and we will all be back to normal and a happy little family. Minus the little brat of course.” He paused and a smirk grew on his face. “And I think I should let you into a little secret, I wasn't even drunk when I killed your little pathetic kid brother”. That was it, I couldn't breathe, my head was about to explode. My Dad killed Alfie... no excuses now. He confessed. No, I couldn't take this. The pain was more than I could take, and the cause of it all, was that man right there. No he didn't even deserve to be called that. To me, he was scum. I couldn't even look at him and I closed my eyes hoping it would all just disappear. Hope was obviously not enough, as he laughed in my face. I glared at him, showing I was not fully scared of him and I added two final words to send him on his way. “Get Lost” I stammered under my breath. I couldn't help but to include one final word to my statement. “Bastard” I muttered. He began to walk away with a smile on his face, when he heard my final word. He spun around, within touching distance, and once more stared into my eyes, eyes that must have reminded him of himself. “Don't you dare” he screamed into my face. With one swift movement, he slapped my face hard which resulted in me landing on to the cold and hard floor. I couldn't bare to look at his evil face, so I stayed with my face hidden away from him, until I heard the sound of my front door as it closed with a bang. It was over.

I was afraid to look away from the harsh, bitter floor, afraid to see what the next catastrophe would be. My eyes shifted anxiously towards the living room door, cautiously afraid of what I might see. My eyes scanned the room looking for any sign that he might still be here, that he might reveal some new truth that I didn't want to hear. Stillness and silence. He was gone, it'd be too much to hope it was for good. I could not believe what I had just witnessed. My own father, confessing to a murder, a murder that involved my baby brother, his son. No, I had to tell someone, Mum perhaps? She needed to know what he had done. However, my mind was fully aware that he had said he would be back, if I said one word. I never wanted to see him again, I was sure of that, but then my head was niggling away with the truth that he had just told me. I felt like I was going to collapse with the strain that was in my head, this was too much to take in, nothing could clear my head ever. From now on, with the knowledge of the murder of Alfie, my life would never reach the perfection I had always dreamed of. I had spent years and years imaging this life, with no drama or worries, just idyllic. The perfection of living in a little house- nothing big or fancy, just a little cottage somewhere relaxing. With a white picket fence and a green lawn with a swing where me and my husband would sit. He would be perfect, he would allow me to forget my life and I would just be focused on him. A life with him, and we would have children too, 3 or 4. They would be as beautiful as him, and we would be so happy forever. He would make me forget everything else, and would love me, and only me. He would be tall, about 6”2, with brown hair and big brown eyes. He would be amazing, and perfect. Thinking about this lifelong dream, I realised I was smiling, even though the left side of my face was throbbing with pain from the slap. My smile soon faded, knowing deep down that I would never find anyone like that. Even if I did, like he would be interested in someone like me. I sighed knowing I would never have this life, ever. I stood up and went to the mirror, and tried to put on a smile- maybe I could fool everyone? No, my smile turned into tears. Many of them, they wouldn't stop, and soon my eyes were red raw, along with the left side of my face.

I ended up on the floor yet again, sobbing into my hands, what to do? Tell anyone. No, I couldn't I knew that. Not even Kelley, I couldn't give her the strain of the truth. Not even Keira. She would be straight to his door shouting the odds, with some luck though she would hit him. That would be a moment in history. I managed to let out a little laugh, imagining Kiera hitting my Dad, I wouldn't put it past her though. Mum? I couldn't tell her, she most probably would not even believe me. It wasn't worth it, I was alone in this and that's the way it would stay. Bang. Oh crap, the door again. My hands were shaking once more, imaging the worst. Calm down I told myself, It must be Mum. My legs started to wobble as I stood and stumbled to the door. I anxiously opened the door to find Keira huddled in the rainy May night. “Amelia?! What's happened. Are you alright? What has she done now? Come on let's get you in” she questioned. The memories of what had happened soon came flooding back, and so did the tears. She let herself in with a look of panic, and took me into the front room, supporting me as I walked- obviously fearing I would fall in the moment of madness.

She sat me on the sofa. While she sat crossed legged on the worn sofa next to me. “Tell me now Amelia” she commanded. IT'S MIA! After years of me telling her to say my name properly she still wouldn't. I couldn't look at her in the eyes, or I knew everything would come out, I had to think of something quick. It was so hard to lie to her after she had been there from me since I was an infant, but I couldn't risk telling her the truth. “It's Mia Keira. And... um... it's nothing. Just the um, usual, yanno. Mum.” I managed to say. She inspected my face, and oblivious to my red face she believed me. This wouldn't have been the first time I was in this state cause of Mum. She looked at me, and suddenly pulled me into her and hugged me.

God, I loved Keira she was there no matter what, the one I could talk to, the one I could trust. Just, not with this. It hurt me so much not to say anything but the last thing I wanted was for Daniel to be back. “Oh god Amelia, I can't believe it.. She's gone out again right, left you on your own. Should have known. That cow don't deserve kids. How the hell could she do this to you.” she said as she hugged me motherly. “It's alright Keira, I'm used to it by now, it's just she said some things. She said I poisoned her mind against... Dad” I stuttered, finding it difficult to call him Dad out loud. She stopped hugging me and held me by my shoulders with a disgusted expression. “She what? After everything he has done! Oh my god, I tell you what, when she's back here I'll give her a piece of my mind. Stupid cow. So help me I'm going to kill her.” she said in an aggressive tone. I giggled at that, that was just Kiera all over, she would do anything for a fight. She looked at me, and giggled along with me. “Don't Kiera, it's fine. I can handle it, it just all got on top of me yanno. I'll be fine, really” I said looking up at her trying to pretend I was in fact fine. She seemed to buy it and hugged me once more and began, “I tell you what, you go get some sleep and I'm going to stay here until your Mum gets back okay?” She noticed the look of worry flash across my face, “don't worry I won't do anything... yet.” she giggled. I took Kiera's advise, hugged her again and went off to my bed. My head was spinning and I wanted more than anything to escape to my dreams.