Wednesday

He was gone. My older children were angry that I had a baby. So at home I was alone. While pulling a laundry sack I felt like something tore across my chest. The baby was a week old. My feet and hands started swelling.For days I got up earlier than usual, so I could move slowly. By the time they got up for school,everything was done. After they would leave, the baby and I would continue to lie there. I would put her to breast all day. I felt sorry for myself. My Doctor thought I had pneumonia, she gave me two prescriptions and an Inhaler. I took from the rent to get them.

The inhaler stopped working quickly. It seemed to make things worst. I could no longer lay down and sleep. I had to stand up in order to breath. Scared I told my daughter I had to go to get another prescription. Frantic I jumped in my car and drove like the wind to the hospital. In the emergency room,I told the nurse I just had a baby and I can't breath. She looked into my face and said with a strong clear Jamaican accent,"That's not your lungs,that's your heart!" She helped me. That woman rallied everyone to my aid.

I fought to sit upright. I was Afraid, I couldn't breath laying down,suddenly the doctors and nurses surrounded me. One man asked me who I wanted to call. I told him to call my brother.Forced to lye flat, I died. For just a moment everything went orange like a peach. I was aware that I wasn't breathing,but I was no longer afraid. I could feel where peace comes from. The whole of me was a part of it. My leg was kicking on its own and then I was gone.

I had congestive heart failure. Post partum Cardiomyopathy they called it. Eventhough my life had been saved only recently have I started living.
Rest, changed me. I hadn't sat with my feet up and given me a break. I have always worked standing still. I have been on a Rollercoaster all this time. Lost in thoughts and feelings, dissappointed in me. I have started to ask myself for what I need. Calling on the peace I remember to guide me.