Getting The Most Out Of Life

Getting the most out of life.

I was thrown out at the ripe age of 17.  Now you might think, “oh she probably had some skills to make it at 17”, but what you don't know is my father was a typical Hispanic father and controlled everything.  While I had the math skills, I lacked the social skills to do simple things like, how much change to get back from a cashier.  This was overwhelming to me.  I was afraid of the world.

I soon married, the safe thing to do.  I liked him but I didn't really love him.  It lasted 7 years and two kids.  During that time we bought a house and I lived there for 40 years.  Of course I kept the house after the split.

This house became me.  The house, the garden, the yard, the neighbors, the neighborhood.  Last year I lost myself to foreclosure.  One of the worst years of my life.  My relationship with my oldest child went bad, work seemed to disappear, the threat of loosing the house loomed large in my life everyday, and one of my best friends passed away just a few days before Christmas.

I realized recently, I got thrown out at 17 and again at 56.  Challenges appear and I want to figure it all out, down to the last detail.  In my younger years I was able to do this.  My life felt like a roller coaster.  I would be up sometimes and then IDS (Impending Doom Syndrome).  The world would disintegrate before me. After a time I would brush myself off and pull it back together.  Always, I had the security of my house, I had the identity of my house. 

I have a couple of good friends but they felt hopeless to help me on two fronts.  They were dealing with their own issues with the economy, and their friend (me) suffers from (IDS) and they just didn't think what they could do would matter.

Since moving out in October (4 months ago) I have had a series of intense challenges (I would have called these IDS events in the past).  And so I found myself saying, “OK God, I get it.  There is something here you want me to grasp.  What is it?”  And I wait for the thought or feeling or image of what my next action should be and what is my purpose in this?

Well I figured out the purpose for it all.  Learn to let go of poor-me, be in the moment and enjoy the journey.  The poor-me story went like this, if only someone or something else were different I could be happy. 

I get it, God.  I really do.  Let go of the story, not necessarily the feeling, overwhelming sadness, frustration, anger, etc..  Experience the pure emotion without the story.  When I do this the feeling quickly moves on and I find myself present and connected to what I am doing, which usually means I am enjoying it, what ever “it” is.

My neighbor let me move in 4 months ago after the foreclosure.  It was very kind of her and I am grateful.  I have tried to show my gratitude by painting the inside of the 3 bedroom house and taking her places and doing things around the house.  But she doesn't seem to be satisfied.  And to tell you the truth, neither am I. 

I went from living alone in a house almost exactly the same with my canine companion - to sharing the same space with another woman, her cat and her grown son.  I was a bit of a recluse, she loves company, so we have a steady stream at times.  My dog is not cat friendly so I have to keep her on a leash and she doesn't have the run of the house she did (I had a doggie door,  so I never had to worry about her needs for the outside).  I can't run around naked, or with my teeth in the bathroom container they go in at night.

And she thrives on being a victim.  She has Parkinson's which seems to get worse when she tells her story (hmmm sounds familiar) about her trails and tribulations.  She doesn't eat right, or take her medications the way she should, and works around the house without taking breaks intermittently.  Then she calls her son or who ever will buy her woo-is-me and tells the story, hinting at how insensitive I am.  I can ask her several times if she needs anything because I am going to the grocery store or drug store.  She will say “no” then call her son and tell him she needs this or that.

Weather it is consciously or unconscious, she wants me to go and that's OK.  In the last month or so I have found myself again, connected to life and have been sorting out where I've been and where I want to go. 

So the question is, “what's next”?  In the past I threw myself into risks unconsciously, thinking I wouldn't be responsible for what happens.  Today, I am a woman and I consciously and intentionally move forward with my life, perhaps for the first time. I know at times I will be scared, frustrated, maybe terrified but here's what I know:  By allowing myself to be in the present moment I am guided in a safe and happy way with the knowledge I have a safe and loving place to “Be”.  It is a state of being that if I happen to lose sight of, I have all the tools I need to find my way back.  In this moment I always have the opportunity to find happiness and fulfillment.  I am both, the creator and instrument of this very moment.

Well as for how this turns out, that's another story.  But I have a feeling what ever happens I'm going to be alright.


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