Embarrassing dick

With my fly down and penis carefully held between the thumb and index finger of my right hand, I stare at the shiny, white urinal, waiting to empty my bladder. The only problem is; nothing seems to be coming out. I look down at my wiener and give it a little shake, hoping something happens. But no matter how much I try, all I get is disappointment. To my left is an Asian man in blue overalls. Of all the empty cubicles and urinals, he had to use the one next to me; bastard.

For five, painfully embarrassing and long seconds, I plead with my dick to do something, anything. Even a few drops are sufficient, just as long as I can convince the guy on the next urinal that everything is ok. But in situations like these, no matter how calm I try to stay, no matter how many times I tell myself that everything is fine, things always seem to go against me.



This isn’t the first time something like this has happened; in fact it’s the third or fourth time. For some reason, I just cannot piss in a public urinal with someone standing next to me.



The partially bald, grey and black haired man doesn’t utter a word. Neither does he look up, but I can tell that inside his head he’s saying, “What the fuck”, over and over again. After all, I am shaking my penis in all directions while muttering swear words. From his point of view, something is very wrong with me.



You see, most people avoid even glaring at you in such situations; they pretend everything is ok and carry on with their normal business. Sure, they may go and share such experiences with other people and probably have a laugh about it. But in that specific place and that time, they choose not to make as much as a sound. They mentally record everything instead.

The worst thing however, is standing there, pretending to be equally or more surprised than the other guy. Nothing is as pointless as holding your dick over the urinal and pretending to be “disappointed” by it; it just doesn’t work. Yet, here I am, putting on my best surprised expression, hoping that it somehow makes me look normal. The little actor in me is giving the performance of a lifetime.  Somewhere in the corner of my mind people are applauding – “And the award for best male performance in an awkward situation goes to...” drum roll “...ME!”



My face doesn’t go red and hot, neither does my heart start beating faster. Its not that I am not embarrassed. Believe me, I am very embarrassed. It’s just that I have gotten used to being in such embarrassing situations.

Cinema toilets, school toilets, any public toilet, place a guy on the next urinal and my dick will automatically cease functioning. In school I used to avoid using urinals as much as possible due to the fear of exposing my privates to some wandering gaze. It wasn’t homophobia, but the fear of having my dick judged or made fun of in some way. I have always been a bit conscious about my genitals. Maybe that’s why my brain automatically tells my dick to shutdown every time I am next to a guy.



I am sure Freud would have an interesting theory to explain my condition. Perhaps some deep seated child hood fear that has evolved into this big problem. You know, stuff like that, all that psychological mumbo jumbo. The effect of the subconscious mind on the conscious mind, stuff that you would hear in psychology lectures.  By the way, have you heard of the “Oedipus complex”? You should check it out, that is some fucked up shit.



Six seconds go by and the guy next to me is already putting his dick back inside his pants. In an attempt to avoid further embarrassment, I rush to the nearest cubicle. As soon as I am inside, I lock the door behind me and release a strong, steady stream of yellow fluid. The urine penetrates the surface of water, creating a loud noise. Right now, at this very moment, the guy outside is probably staring at the mirror, saying the three words that have been echoing in his brain for the last minute or so – What....The....Fuck. Each word detached, with added emphasis and followed by a pause. Or maybe, he’s looking over his shoulder, with a stupid look on his face.



For twenty long seconds, the noise of my piss hitting the toilet water reverberates through the toilet. For twenty long seconds, I feel relief come over me and completely forget about the embarrassing situation I was in earlier. As I shake my penis to jerk off any last drops of urine, I smile. Ah! The feeling of joy. 



Walking out of the toilet, I put my earphones on. The time is now five minutes to twelve. I have five minutes to get to my next lecture.