Reason

  He suddenly spoke to me of his bitter past. To me, he was just trying to gain sympathy but I was not the person he should have chose. I wasn't cut out for the counselor's job, seeing as I maybe impartial towards the person whom seeks counseling. That was exactly how I felt while he himself, entrusted me a great task, it was the first time I felt peer pressure.

  Anyone right in their mind would feel sorrowful towards him, anyone wrong in their mind would feel anger towards him, yes, that would be me, Miyun.

  They say I'm too straight-forward but I'm really just speaking my mind. I believe, if I have any dissatisfaction, I shouldn't reserve my words just to satisfy them.

  He then asked me a question, which then ended all my deep thoughts and brought me back to reality.

  "My reason for living? It is to satisfy the cruelty of the world and also because I am living and everyone else is not," I responded to his question, feeling a bit sheepish actually knowing there was some depth in my life.

  "What do you mean by that?" asked Laden, the way he asked was as if overwhelmed. He been through so much more than me, I almost forgot he had emotions.

  "Facing a world filled with corruption, it is cruel but I can do nothing. Knowing that animals are preys and when swept off their feet, I could do nothing but watch at such morbid scene. It is nature and by doing nothing, I am satisfying the cruelty of the world. I am living, everyone else is not. It's true because we only have one life to live and life seems so unpredictable and easy to die. Humans don't realise they belittle life so much and by wanting humans to live the way I want to, I am definitely defying gravity. I am living, knowing about this, but everyone else who lives does not. Doesn't it seem like they are not living since they don't know about it even though it's their world?" I probably left him speechless. I never understood distinctly why I was so different, what others wouldn't do, I would, maybe because I knew he had so much more...

  "If you lost your happy self during that visit to the psychologist, go back and find it! You lose something, you find it! You make it seem like you're so miserable just living with your sadistic and sorrowful personality but you're not the only one, in fact, you're much better! In the world, babies, born with HIV-positive and when they grow up they have no friends! You're unlike them, you're healthy and not born with HIV, you have friends! And in the animal society...? Do I have to remind you so much?" I said with much passion and with tears already welling in my eyes, I no longer can face the boy who gave up on himself before I did. It was not sorrow I felt, it was anger and frustration!

  I, myself, had probably been through some tough times myself, even though my mother is still living and might not be able to understand the stuffs he never received, I could say, what I been through was what I call, "a lifetime disease".

  So my mother didn't have a very welcoming personality and many detest her, I was shunned and hated by my relatives mainly because of that. My uncle, said one comprehensible sentence to a child but that child could feel the stab, an almost physical pain. My uncle had accused me of teaching his children vulgarities, I was then labeled the bad influence, all my life I wanted to play but I guess it's time to wake up. Even though this treatment is still going on and there's so much more my relatives done to me, I would forsake this past, and know the reason for my existence, the reason why I am living...

  I sincerely hope this reason, would pass on to him as well...