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coming of age comedy/drama |
Untitled-Screenplay credits roll ACT 1 EXTERNAL SHOT- DAY- DOWNTOWN MIAMI Fade- A clear pale blue sky overlooking Miami's beach coastline, high end hotel resorts and multi million dollar beach front estates. masses of people laid out in-congruently along the beach and ocean. All types of creatures of sort, more noticeably the really beautiful ones with the little bikinis and topsy curvy figures. Most everyone absorbed in the wondrous landscape surrounding them, And gosh dont get me started on the weather, its to die for. Fade- Busy two way street in downtown miami, on the north-side. Not as tidy and spectacular but plenty of enthusiasm to go around. Spanish salsa music blaring from a parked car in a shopping center. little shops and restaurants seen along the strip Focus- A guy waving to by-passers in a big yellow taco costume. with an opening for Arms and legs in yellow tights. and a big hole for the head to stick out of. If you weren'tt close enough, you would think your looking at a big goofy banana. Two hispanic's in an older style caddy all tatted up wearing cheap looking black shades.The Over sized tires and chromed out rims stand out and it should, its value is more than the whole car itself. Pulls up right next to Drew on the side of the street. one closest, looks the taco up and down. PADRE " HEY ESSAY COME HERE " Angle- Drew waddles over to the car, curious on how this encounter is going to pan out. having thoughts on whether to book it or not. DREW " WHATS UP, GUYS " PADRE " COME CLOSER HOMEY " DREW " DUDE, I DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE" PADRE " YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE" DREW " A GUY DRESSED AS A TACO, LOOKING RIDICULOUSLY STUPID, THANKING HIS BLESSINGS EVERYDAY HE DOESN'T OWN A GUN BECAUSE HE WOULD FIND A WAY TO ACCIDENTALLY BLOW HIS DICK OFF. " PADRE " NA " Angle- Padre and his crony jump out of the car and grabs Drew and throws him to the ground. hard to maneuver in the suit, Drew is got no chance of escape. Pinned down by one, the other pulls out something in his pocket. PADRE " YOU MY BITCH, ESSAY " Close up- Padre starts spray painting all over Drew's attire. the faces of the two street artist's is filled with laughter and snickering. After the masterpiece is finished they scat back to the car and peel off howling into the wind. Angle- Drew pulling himself up slowly from the gravel, for the most part unscathed, cant say he dodged humiliation though as he walks slowly back to Chippy's, now sporting a pink taco. in all its glory. CHIPPY'S PATRON (LOUD WHISTLING) " HO LA! SENORITA, NICE CHO-CHA! " CHIPPY'S PATRON " NICE PU-TA DREW " FUNNY, LAUGH IN ONES MISFORTUNE, NEVER-MIND ME BEING ATTACKED ON A STREET CORNER AND USED AS ONES CANVAS. " INTERNAL SHOT- TACO SHOP front view- An angry middle eastern fellow with a thick mustache to go along with his accent, scurries over from behind the counter arms flailing up in the air, like he just saw the second coming of Christ.Sexy latino waitress behind the counter smiling at Drew, twirling with her hair and smacking her lips chewing a big wad of gum. Bent over showing off her best attributes, her badonka donks. AMIR " JEW, JEW, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE. I PAY TOP DOLLA FOR THAT SUIT. " DREW " MY NAME IS DDRREW, NOT JEW. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL U. AND ITS NOT MY FAULT, I ..." AMIR ( INTERRUPTS) " DONT CARE, U PAY, TAKE OUT OF PAY CHECK, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. YOU ARE WORTHLESS JEW." CANDY " HEY PAPPI, I THINK IT MAKES U LOOK SPICY HOT, YOU CAN FILL UP MY ENCHILADA ANY TIME." DREW " THANK YOU CANDY, BUT DON'T THINK YOUR HUBBY WILL LIKE ME FILLING UP YOUR GORDIDO, OR WHAT EVER (PAUSE) AND AMIR U PAY ME SHIT AS IT IS. I NEED MY PAYCHECK. " AMIR " NO WAY, U LEARN NEXT TIME DON'T HANG AROUND HOODLUMS. NOW TAKE OUT TRASH " focus- drew's getting pissed while he takes off his suit, down to his yellow tights, slamming the defiled taco down. candy licking her lips and shaking her hips while staring over at drew's bulge. CANDY (WHISTLING) " TAKE IT OFF, PAPPI. SHOW MAMA UR CHIMMY CHONGA. DREW " SCREW THIS JOB, SCREW YOU AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION I'M HALF JEWISH ON MY MOTHERS SIDE. " AMIR " GOOD, LEAVE U DO NOTHING ROUND HERE ANYWAY! " CANDY " OHHH DON'T LEAVE PAPPI!!" DREW " AND BY THE WAY CANDY, THE MEXICAN FOOD SEX TALK, (SHORT PAUSE) GETTING A LITTLE OLD. " angle- drew now back in street clothes, storms out the front door, not looking back. Amir and Candy quizzically look at each other and shrug thier shoulders, simultaneously. Amir with clicker in hand turns on the T.V. Flips the channels and till pop, Seinfeld comes on. can hear the opening music, to seeing Jerry doing his opening stand up routine. Candy walks around the counter and joins Amir, watching the T.V. intently. AMIR (LAUGHING) " AHH THAT FUNNY CRAZY JEW! " EXT-DAY- DOWNTOWN MIAMI fade- birdseye-front- Drew driving an 77 Chevy Nova, god awful rusted to the bone gray with cloudy puffed up smoke oozing out of the muffler. cruising with the windows down and left arm dangling out slamming the driver-side door. Bobbing his head up and down,not maliciously, more careless, it is what it is attitude. Spitting out lyrics to Godsmack, " I fucking hate u". Song crackles and pops from the factory made speakers. angle- Nova pulls into parking spot, onlookers ignoring the obvious pollution that is being driven into the shopping center area. Drew gallivanting into the front entrance of the Coastland mall. INT- COASTLAND MALL angle- Drew walking around the eatery, something catches his eye, that stops him in his tracks. A cute,curvy white girl with curly brown hair behind the counter of dog heaven. best wieners in town, seriously. she waves Drew over. LIL MAC " WASS UP DEE, HOWS IT HANGING " DREW " DON'T GET ME STARTED (PAUSE) I GOT JUMPED FOR STARTERS QUIT MY JOB, GOT LESS THAN A HUNDRED DOLLARS IN THE BANK." LIL MAC " THAT'S SHRUMMY, TUCK YOUR CHIN UP, DAWG.(YELLS TO SOMEONE IN BACK) " GOING ON BREAK, DEE LETS SIT AND SPIT GOTTA DIG YOU UP ON THE LATEST." front- Lil mac takes off her apron and they find a table right across from dog heaven. Lil mac accessorized to the max on all the latest hip hop apparel. Her signature pink diamond Lill Mac chain dangling from her neck. LIL MAC " SO I'M LEAVING THIS CORPSE CIRCLE AND GONNA START MAKING SOME " REAL SCRILLA. I HAVE A NEW BOO, HE"S A RAPPER FROM THE " EAST-SIDE. MANAGING HIM TOO, HE GOT MAD SKILLZ SON. " DREW " DAMN MAC, ITS BEEN TWO WEEKS SINCE WE BROKE UP AND YOU ALREADY GOT SOMEONE ELSE." LIL MAC " STILL GOT MAD PROPS FOR YA, YOU MY LITTLE BRO. YOU KNOW THAT. CANT HELP IT THOUGH I LIKE MY MEN LIKE I LIKE MY COFFEE, BLACK AND STRONG, OH YEA AND THE CUE STICK LONG. DREW " REALLY, THAT BIG? " LIL MAC (STRETCHING HANDS OUT) " IT LOOKS LIKE A BLACK MAMBA ON STEROIDS (PAUSE ) LIKE A GIRAFFES NECK (PAUSE) LIKE POPEYE'S FOREARMS AFTER A CAN FULL OF SPINACH." DREW " LIKE GARY COLEMAN DIPPED IN K-Y AND WRAPPED IN A EXTRA LARGE CONDOM?! " close up-- lil mac tilts her head and has a confused look on her face, and looks right into drew's eyes. LIL MAC " WHATCH U TALKING ABOUT DEE?! " DREW (LAUGHING) " EXACTLY, OK I DON'T FEEL JUST A TAD BIT INADEQUATE NOW." angle- lil mac pops her head up and starts waving her hand up in the air furiously like she"s in grade school and the teacher's picking someone to answer a question. LIL MAC " HEY, THERE HE IS NOW, YOU HAVE TO MEET HIM " (SHOUTS) OVER HERE " side- Big burly guy, pimped out in jewelery and numerous gold chains. Could play offensive tackle for the Miami dolphins. Swaying his arms back in forth, Yankee's cap tilted slightly crooked but neat. strolling over like he owns the place. LIL MAC " HEY BOO, WHATS THE BUZZ. YOU GOT MY BONES? THIS IS DEE THE CAT I TOLD U ABOUT.(PAUSE) DEE, BIG MAC. angle- Big mac hands lil mac a fresh pack of Newport's. Sits down right next to her and gives her a big long Frenchy. Drew a little uncomfortable, looking uninterested,eyes wandering in different directions. after their seemingly long LOVE CONNECTION, a (quick dream sequence of the game show.) CHUCK WOOLERY " BACK IN 2 AND 2. " angle- after coming up for air, Big acknowledges Drew and they fist pump. BIG MAC " WASS UP DAWG, MY GIRL SAYS U GOOD PEOPLE, SO WE TIGHT ALRIGHT MAN I'M BEAT, BEEN SPITTING ALL DAY AT THE LAB. THEN HAD TO BAIL MY CUZ OUT OF LOCK N CHAIN FO SELLING AN ONION. STILL HAD TIME TO SNAG SOME NEW KICKS, WHAT YOU THINK GIRL. " LIL MAC " TIGHT, BUT BOO DON'T BE SPENDING UP ALL OUR POKE LIKE THAT. WE NEED TO SAVE UP FOR THE TRACK WE GOT TO LAY DOWN. " front- Big mac pulls lil over to his lap. Drew mesmerized how they interact with each other. both looks over at drew. BIG MAC " AIN'T SHE OFF THE HOOK, ALWAYS HUSTLIN, GOING TO MAKE ME RICH, MAN I'M BLIND." DREW " SO HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE NAME BIG MAC, WERE YOU LIKE SITTING AT MC'DONALD'S, HAVING A MAC ATTACK AND THINKING (PAUSE) TWO ALL BEEF PATTIES, SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE, CHEESE, PICKLE, ONION, ON A SESAME SEED BUN, AND POOF THEIR IT WAS. " BIG MAC " FUNNY, WE GOT DAVE CHAPELLE SITTING WITH US.(PAUSE) NA DAWG, SHE'S MY RIDE OR DIE GIRL, WANTED TO SHOW HER IM HERE TO STAY. close up- while sitting on big's lap, lil starts rocking back in forth, exciting big. Drew notices Lil mac slowly raising up in the air, like david blaine doing one of his levitational tricks. LIL MAC " BOO, YOU SCREEZY. STOP THAT. " BIG MAC " SORRY GIRL, YOU KNOW YOU GET ME SOLID. " DREW " OOOKKK, ON THAT NOTE, I THINK IM GOING TO HEAD HOME. side view- Drew gets up from table and starts to head out. LIL MAC " GIVE YOUR AUNTIE A SHOUT OUT FOR ME.(PAUSE) NO WORRIES DEE, EVERYTHING BE GOOD. " DREW " ALRIGHT MAC, BE GOOD. BIG, IT WAS A PLEASURE. GOOD LUCK WITH THE WHOLE RAP THING EXT-DAY-PARKING LOT cut to- Drew outside the mall walking to his car still pondering what the hell he just saw in there. hears sort of a buzzing sound and catches in the corner of his eye, a weird looking guy. HARRY CORMAC " PSSST, PSSST, HEY KID angle- Drew slaps his ear a couple of times, till he realizes there's no bee flying around. Harry, dressed in blue jeans and a stained white collar shirt, pale skin, has a big ass grin from ear to ear. Approaches way to early with his hand out to shake hands. HARRY CORMAC " HI, NAMES HARRY CORMAC, ANYONE EVER TELL YOU, YOU GOT THE LOOK OF A MOVIE STAR. A FACE TO MAKE THE LADIES MELT, I'M TELLING YOU. " DREW " NO, NOT REALLY. WHAT YOU SELLING? " HARRY CORMAC " YOU!!! I'M A TALENT AGENT FOR MIAMI PICTURES. WE DO MAGAZINE ADS, COMMERCIALS, T.V. AND MOVIE CASTINGS. " angle- Harry hands Drew a business card. he steps back a couple of steps and measures Drew up. if u ask me it looks like he's doing a bad vogue pose. DREW " IT SAYS HERE, BUG CONTROL. WE ARE THE TERMINATORS OF ALL EXTERMINATORS." ILL BE BACK -TO SQUASH IT." HARRY CORMAC " UM YEA (PAUSE) THAT'S MY FULL TIME JOB. HAVEN'T GOT MY OTHER BUSINESS CARDS YET. BUT MY CELL PHONES ON THERE(PAUSE) LOOK ILL BE HONEST WITH YA. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING. ALL DAY I HAVE LITTLE TENTACLES STUCK IN MY FINGERNAILS, ROACH GUTS ALL OVER MY SHIRT AND I GET COMMENTED ON HOW MY AFTERSHAVE SMELLS LIKE RAID. AND IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH ALREADY. I HAVE A BUG JAMMED SO FAR UP MY ASS, THE DOCTOR SUGGESTED ITS JUST BEST TO LEAVE IT UP THERE. SO EVERYTIME I TAKE A SHIT I GET THIS FUNNY TICKLE IN MY A-HOLE. LOOK MAN I NEED CHANGE. BE THERE FRIDAY. I WROTE THE ADDRESS ON THE BACK OF THE CARD. side view- Drew taken aback by Harry's forwardness notices a large tail hanging out of his pocket. DREW " I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. (PAUSE) DUDE YOU HAVE A TAIL STICKING OUT OF YOUR POCKET AND ITS MOVING. HARRY CORMAC " SEE WHAT I MEAN MAN,YOU GOT TO HELP ME. BE THERE overview- Drew starts to walk back to his car. while Harry slaps his front pocket HARRY CORMAC (YELLS) " BY THE WAY, IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT NEEDS AN EXTERMINATOR DON'T HESITATE TO REFER ME. fade- INTERNAL SHOT- HOME -NIGHT angle- Drew seen walking into the front hallway while Aunt Bess is sitting on the couch watching T.V. Bess in her sixties, fake blond curly hair, still dresses like a 40s some cougar trying to get attention from any guy off the street corner. AUNT BESS " DREW, MAURY'S ON, COME SIT. " DREW " HEY AUNTIE, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE DAY I HAD. " AUNT BESS " SHH, HOLD ON. " rear view- seen is a big screen T.V. Bess engrossed in the show. MAURY " BILLY BOB, I HAVE THE RESULTS HERE, FOR LITTLE BRYCE JR. YOU ARE THE FATHER." AUNT BESS " I FUCKIN KNEW IT, THAT RAT FUCKING BASTARD. THEY SHOULD HANG HIM UP ON A TREE BY HIS BALLS AND PLAY DEAD BEAT READ-NECK PINATA ON HIS ASS. DREW " AUNTIE WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT WATCHING THESE KIND OF SHOWS. AUNT BESS " I KNOW, MAKES MY BLOOD PRESSURE GO SKY HIGH (PAUSE) SO WHAT HAPPENED TODAY HON. " DREW " QUIT MY JOB TODAY,(PAUSE) JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I'M JUST A FAILURE, HOPELESS I TELL YOU. close up- with sympathetic puppy dog eyes, Bess makes an L shape with her left thumb and index finger, in front of fore head. BESS " WELL I AIN'T GOING TO SUGAR COAT IT SWEETY. YEA BIG LOSER WITH A CAPITAL L, YOU GET THAT ON YOUR FATHER SIDE.(PAUSE) BUT DREW, NEVER GIVE UP TRYING. YEA, WE MIGHT GET FACE DEEP IN HORSE SHIT EVERY NOW AND THEN. ITS WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT HORSE SHIT THAT MATTERS. MAKE A MOSH PIT AND DIVE IN HEAD FIRST, OR HELL MAKE A SHIT CASEROLL WITH ALL THE TOPPINGS. MY POINT IS, TAKE A NEGATIVE AND TURN IT INTO A POSITIVE NO MATTER HOW BAD THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE" DREW " WELL I DID GET AN OFFER TODAY FROM THIS TALENT AGENT TO TRY THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS. I MIGHT AS WELL. I HAVE NO MORE OPTIONS AT THIS POINT.(PAUSE) DO YOU THINK I HAVE ANY ARTISTIC SKILLS? " BESS( LAUGHING) " HELL NO, BUT NEITHER DOES HALF OF HOLLYWOOD. IF WHATS HIS NAME? THE GUY FROM GOOD WILL HUNTING, NOT THE GOOD ONE, UM, DAMN. " DREW (CHIMES IN) " BEN AFLECK? " BESS " YEA THAT'S HIM, IF HE CAN DO IT. ANYONE CAN SWEETIE. THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET. " DREW " I DON'T KNOW, I THOUGHT HE WAS PRETTY GOOD IN CHASING AMY " BESS " EH " angle to- Bess is seen looking into the mirror in the foyer putting on lipstick. while Drew goes into the kitchen to heat up some leftovers. BESS " DREW, DON'T WAIT UP TONIGHT. ME AND THE GIRLS ARE GOING TO PAINT THE TOWN RED. " DREW " HAVE FUN, BUT AUNTIE PLEASE WARN ME IF YOUR GOING TO BRING SOMEONE BACK FOR ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR ONE NIGHT STANDS. I STILL CANT GET THAT LAST ONE OUT OF MY HEAD. " BESS " AH DREW DON'T HATE, AT MY AGE IF I CAN FIND A WAY TO GET MY FREAK ON. ITS GOING DOWN. OR TO PUT IT MORE BLUNTLY TONIGHT I'LL BE ON MY KNEE'S GOING DOWN. HEHE." DREW " UG " front view- Bess gives a qurky little shove to Drew. Drew is doing everything to not show himself gagging. ( FLASHBACK ) Drew, aunt bess and some buck naked guy, all around the kitchen table eating breakfast. NAKED GUY " HEY SONNY PASS THE SAUSAGE. " BESS " I WANT SOME SAUSAGE. " NAKED GUY " OH I BET YOU DO, SUGAR LIPS. I'LL GIVE YOU SOME SAUSAGE. BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT INTILL WERE FINISHED WITH BREAKFAST." BESS " YOU DIRTY DOG YOU." NAKED GUY( BARKING) " RUFFF, RUFFF , RUFFF " angle- while Drew sits there frozen wishing he was Hellen keller at that very moment (blind and deaf) naked guy reaches over to Bess to playfully pinch her a couple of times, doing so sticks his hairy ass right infront of Drew's face, spewing out a three second fart that sounded like a tea pot kettle whistling. All while Drew's about to have a mouthful of eggs.(FLASHBACK END) DREW " AUNTIE BEFORE YOU GO, CAN I BORROW SOME GAS MONEY. " BESS " SURE HON, HERE'S A HUNDRED. IF YOU CAN PICK ME UP SOME CONDOMS TOO WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE." DREW " SURE, I'M GLAD SOMEONE'S GETTING LAID ON A REGULAR BASIS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD." BESS " YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE SOON SWEETY. BUT UNTIL THEN WHEN YOUR WACKING OFF IN THE BATHROOM, MAKE SURE YOU LOCATE AND CLEAN UP ALL YOUR MAN JUICES (PAUSE) I NEARLY SLIPPED ON IT THE OTHER DAY, NEARLY BREAKING MY NECK. WELL GOT A GO.TOOT A LOO. angle- Drew's face a little bit of a blush red. watches Bess scadattle out the door. sits down at the table to eat his dinner. glances over to Cormac's buisness card. INT SHOT-DAY- TALENT AGENCY BUILDING fade- a boxy single story building that looks more like a medical facility than a talent agency. Drew walks into a fairly large lobby with the front desk right smack in the middle with folding chairs scattered all around. A large plasma t.v. on the back wall playing continously the same info commercial over and over, all explaining the history and perks of Miami talent agency. still photo's neatly covering the rest of the walls of so called succesful clients. can only recognize two, Phillip Michael Thomas (aka detective Rrico Tubbs) what the heck happened to him. oh and it looks like the old lady from Wendy's "where's the beef " commercials. So far not impressed. Drew walks up to the receptionist. DREW " HI, I'M HERE TO SEE HARRY CORMAC " RECEPTIONIST " OK, HERE FILL THIS OUT AND WE WILL CALL ON YOU SHORTLY." angle- Drew sits down in the far end of the room, place is pretty packed with an assortment of all different types of people. Drew sits smack in the middle of a sloppy fat guy and a mom with her young son. - SCREENPLAY CONTINUED ON NEXT JUNKET - m m |