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She had always lived across the street from me. From the time we were eleven, we spent every waking moment together. And she was the prettiest girl I ever laid my eyes on. Even when she came to me crying with mascara running down her face, her beauty shone through like some kind of constant lighthouse beam guiding me toward safety. And, I never wanted to hurt her, but I just loved her that much. And she hurt me, so, it was only fair.

         It was on a Wednesday in July. Maybe the 14th, could have been the 15th, but it was hot. I looked out across the street and saw her sunbathing on the porch as usual. Her tiny bikini was blue and white, and the way it fell, I could see the beginning of what I had only dreamed of seeing up until now. She wasn’t moving, but the way the sun shone made the tanning lotion on her stomach sparkle like a thousand diamonds. All I wanted was to go over there, grab her face, and kiss her passionately like no one had ever kissed her before. That would take more courage than I could ever find within me, though, so I settled for a quiet visit.
         “Hey Kayleigh.” She took off her sunglasses and grinned at me with her perfect white teeth.
         “Noah, hey.” Her breathy voice always made me want her more. She sat up, and the sun hit her dark hair and made it seem red. Her beauty overwhelmed me, as always, and I grinned like the idiot that I was.
         “I was just over there, admiring your cuteness, and thought it would be a good idea to come hang out.” I laughed at my own stupidity. “But, if I’m interrupting your sun time...”
         “Oh, no! I always love hanging out with you, Noah. You know that.” She stood up, gathered her things, and motioned for me to follow her inside.
         This was almost a daily routine. Show up, throw out a shitty compliment, and chill with her in her room until her parents came home from work. Nothing exciting ever happened, and nothing exciting was going to happen. But something about just being in her presence made me crazy. She set her lemonade glass down in the sink before leading me upstairs. I’d always wanted this moment to lead to something wonderful, something that I could hold on to forever and relive when I had nothing left. I never wanted to bring it up, though, and she never seemed willing. So I always left that shit unsaid.
         My thoughts distracting me, I realized that Kayleigh was no longer right in front of me. I was still at the bottom of the steps, and she was at the top, watching my face quizzically.
         “Are you coming...?”
         “Sure thing. Just got a bit distracted.”
         I mounted the steps and and ran up them, skipping two at a time. The motion was so familiar and almost second nature. Her room was first on the left, and it stood out from the bright hallway. The walls were a dark purple, with the one above her bed housing pictures and posters of famous musicians and actors and various photos of her and her friends. A queen sized bed dominated a large part of the rest of that wall, with a fluffy white down comforter that we always took naps on. Her big full length mirror faced the bed, and when I looked in it, I could see her smiling back at me as she put her hair in a ponytail. She passed by me and sat on the bed, motioning for me to join her.
         I laid down beside her and looked up at the ceiling. It was painted white with swirls of designs that looked like ocean waves.
         “What are you looking at, Noah?”
         “Your ceiling. It’s kind of wonderful.”
         She laughed. “Why are you so artsy? I never could understand you.”
         I looked at her face. She was beaming, her mouth in a wide grin and her grey eyes deep with some unknown thoughts. I sat up and placed my face right in front of hers and waited for words to come out. Her breathing got shallow.
         “Well, maybe you should get to know me.” With my lips just inches from hers, I smiled lightly, and fell back to the bed. I could hear her breathing become more consistent and I waited for her response. When she didn’t say anything, I looked up. Her face was turned toward her door, and her mouth was in a slight frown. She turned to look at me, her eyes a deeper color now.
         “I said something wrong...” I stammered on my words.
         “No, Noah. You said something that I’ve been waiting so long to hear.”
         She looked at me, completely straight-faced, and I matched her gaze. I waited for another thirty seconds before quickly pressing my lips to hers. She pushed into me so hard that I fell backwards. Her hands found my hair and she gently ran her fingers through it, stopping every once in a while to fondle one small piece. I put my hands on her back with much more force than she used with me and pulled her toward me. This was more than I could have ever asked for, and I wanted it to last and to be perfect. But, then she stopped.
         “Noah...”
         “Kayleigh, if you tell me this is wrong....” I felt my face get hot.
         “No, I just, I wanted you to know that I want this. All of it.”
         I looked at her, puzzled, before I realized what she was saying. I kissed her lightly on her cheek and she smiled, letting me know that everything was good. She kissed me again and then let go, letting her hands reach around her back and untie her bikini. She looked at me nervously as if she wanted my approval. I kissed her forehead and she sighed in relief. I laid her down with me and kissed her lips.
         “Kayleigh, I think I love you.” I whispered.
         “I know.” She smiled and pulled me to her, finally giving me what I’d always prayed for.



         We woke up two hours later. It was dusk, and the sunset held some sort of ominous character. Kayleigh was still asleep beside me, her hair sticking to her lips and the covers barely covering her. I ran my fingers over her arm to wake her up.
         “Hey.” She said lightly, and a small smile parted her lips.
         “Hi.” I grinned at her.
         “I have to pee.” She grinned and got up and walked toward the bathroom. As I watched her leave, I couldn’t help but feel like this was a one time thing. I mean, I’d told her I loved her, and all she said was ‘I know’. Something told me that I’d just given something so wonderful to someone who might not even care. But I loved her so much, and I couldn’t even deal with that. She had to care, I had to make sure that she cared.
         “Hey, Kayleigh!” She was still in the bathroom.
         “What, Noah? I’m peeing.”
         “I know, but, it’s just, something’s bothering me, Kayleigh.”
         She opened the door. “What is it?”
         “I told you I loved you. And you only said ‘I know’. What does that even mean? Was this all a waste? Because, you know, it meant something to me, Kayleigh. And you should have made sure it meant something to you before you went and did all this.”
         She just stared. Finally, she sighed. “Noah, what are you, a girl? It’s just sex! I mean, it doesn’t have to mean anything, right? You’re just... I just wanted to do that with you for so long. I mean, I guess I like you, but I don’t know...”
         “You know what, Kayleigh? You should have thought of that before you fucked me.”
         I stormed down her steps and into her kitchen. She was yelling after me, but the yell was half-hearted and quiet, like she couldn’t care less whether I left or stayed.
         I sat on her kitchen counter and I just thought. I’d wasted this whole time just thinking she cared, when she didn’t. And I wasn’t sure if I was more hurt or angry. But I knew I was angry. I hopped off the counter and rummaged through the cabinets and drawers until I found what I was looking for. Quickly, I climbed the steps back to her room and found her fully dressed and sitting on her bed reading a magazine.
         She looked at me. “Did you calm down? Are you ready to talk about this like a normal human being?”
         Not taking my eyes off of hers, I walked further into her room and stopped at her bedside. Sweat was dripping off my forehead, and my stomach was doing little flips. I set the hand that wasn’t holding the knife on her head.
         “Noah, what are you doing? You’re scaring me...”
         “Good.”
         I tilted her head back all the way and she let out the tiniest of screams. I covered her mouth with my other hand, pressing the knife handle to her chin.
         “I suggest you shut up. You have neighbors, you know, and I don’t think they’d appreciate you screaming and ruining their dinners.”
         A single tear rolled down her cheek and her chest heaved as she began sobbing. I pushed her head forward a little bit and stroked her hair with my thumb. Her tears came faster now and her breathing was short and shallow, almost as shallow as the moment before our kiss. I kissed her forehead and she cried even more.
         “You know, Kayleigh, I love you so goddamn much. And, really, I don’t want to have to do this, but you really gave me no choice. You hurt me, and well, you deserve this. But I swear to God, Kayleigh, this all out of love.”
         I kissed her once more, let go of her mouth, and let her scream once more before knocking her unconscious.



         “Good morning, sunshine.”
         Kayleigh looked at me with hazy eyes and smiled. But that smile quickly faded once she realized the situation.
         “Oh, and, don’t bother trying to scream. I’ve duct taped your mouth shut.”
         She tried anyway, but it only came out as a small muffled moan. I grinned wildly as her sobbing started once again. I took the knife out of my pocket and fondled the tip. Her eyes grew wide with fear.
         “You’re so beautiful, you know that, right? It just sucks that no one will be able to enjoy your beauty after tonight. I bet you learned your lesson though. You know, the think before you act lesson. You’re a pro at acting, but thinking? Well, not so much. It’s such a valuable lesson, Kayleigh. It’s just a shame that you’re learning it a bit too late. Now, I want to hear your beautiful voice, so I’m gonna take off this duct tape. But I swear, if you scream, I’m gonna take this knife and slit your throat quicker than you could ever get that scream out. Got it?”
         She nodded in compliance and I took off the duct tape. She licked her lips before letting any words out.
         “Why are you doing this, Noah? I thought you loved me.” Every two words or so were interrupted by a sob.
         “I’m doing it because I love you. I’ve told you that over and over again. I want to make sure that I’m the only person who could ever love you like this. I want to be the only one you ever hurt. I want you to get what you deserve.”
         “Noah, I don’t deserve this! All I did was fuck you! So what if I don’t love you? I like you, Noah! I like you more than anyone else I’ve ever known. Can’t you see that?”
         I laughed lightly. “Oh, Kayleigh, it’s too late for apologies. What’s done is done, and what’s going to happen from here in inevitable. Just go with it, okay?”
         And then, she screamed.
         “Fuckin’ bitch!” I covered her mouth quickly and got real close to her face. “I told you what I’d do if you fucking screamed, you whore. You think I’m kidding? You think I won’t take this knife and slice you right down the middle? Well, you have another thing coming, you bitch. You just fucking watch. And you know? I was gonna go easy on you, too. But now I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll make it last. Torture you a bit before finally ending it all. Does that sound good? Do you realize that you just fucked up your chances of dying a less painful death? Sucks for you. But, hey, more fun for me, right?”
         I quickly reapplied the duct tape to her mouth and watched her writhe, trying to get out the chair that I had her tied to. Her attempts were futile, and she finally gave up and stared at me. I smiled.
         “Ready?” She shook her head no, but I grinned anyway and shook my head yes.
         I pushed the tip of the knife to my finger again to make sure it was sharp enough. Her usually bright grey eyes were dull, and some part of me died when I looked into those eyes. Either way, I started right in on her.
         I grabbed her right forearm, and out of instinct, she quickly tried to pull it away before remembering that it was tied to the chair. She sighed in defeat and waited for me to make my next move. As I dragged the tip of the knife across her forearm, it made little ripples in her skin and left little scratch marks along her veins. The anticipation was killing me. I was an amateur, and I didn’t realize that it took skill to hold yourself back. So, like the idiot that I was like, I pressed down harder and sliced into her forearm. She groaned under the duct tape and let multiple tears fall from her eyes. I lifted my face to hers and kissed away the tears. I felt her chest heave beneath me, and it almost pained me before I remembered why I was doing this. So I continued.
         Her shirt was sticking to her stomach from all the sweat, so I lifted it gently and folded it up to the top. Her stomach pushed in and out in uneven breaths, and I put my hands on it to calm her.
         “If you breath like that, this is going to hurt more than it needs to.”
         She struggled and finally controlled her breathing with little irregular breaths here and there. I kissed her stomach once more before driving my knife into her. Her scream was still muffled, but it was louder than when I’d cut her wrist. I left the knife inside her for a second and marveled at the small drops of blood that escaped slowly. When I pulled it out, more blood rushed to the hole and fought its way through. Her eyes were wide with pain and I couldn’t help but feel a little remorse. But, my anger outweighed it again and pushed me forward. I slashed the knife quickly against her other arm, her chest, her thighs, every piece of flesh on her. She writhed in pain and lost some of her wonderful tanned color as the blood drained out.
         “I’m sorry, Kayleigh. I really am. But I had to do this. I just couldn’t let you live with all the pain of knowing you fucked me over. But, hey, remember when I promised you that I’d slit your throat if you screamed? I’m gonna hold fast to that.”
         She weakly nodded her head no, but I put my hand on her hair and held it still.
         “I can’t do it if you’re moving, so you’re just gonna have to let me hold you here.”
         Her eyes were blank at this point, and her face was streaked with makeup and tears. Her body was dripping blood everywhere, and every perfect limb was covered to the point where the flesh was almost invisible. But God, was she beautiful. I peeled off the duct tape, but she was too weak to scream anyway. I kissed her lips one last time and closed my eyes. When I reopened them, her eyes were closed too, and I shook her to make sure she hadn’t died yet. Sure enough, she was still, alive but barely.
         “Ready? I’m going to put you out of this godawful misery.”
         In one swift motion, I dragged the blade across her throat and watched as the blood flowed from that one tiny slit to cover her whole chest and stomach. She convulsed for a solid minute before falling limp, her head tilted way back over the back of the chair. Finally, I let little tears escape me and I hugged her tighter than I ever had before. It should have been harder than it was, but for some odd reason, killing her was the easiest thing I had ever done. And, if given the chance, I do it again. I love her still.