The Journey of a Porn Addict's Wife 2

June 28, 2010

We made it through the weekend and did manage to re-establish some emotional connection.  We spent some time together talking about the feelings we have each been experiencing, but more importantly we openly discussed our thoughts and how one led to another even more negative than the previous thought before.

I discussed the fears that have been gripping me since week before last, and how thoughts of past experiences of infidelity kept creeping in sending up flags of warning even though deep down I knew he had not been unfaithful.  He discussed with me his fear of my silence indicating that I am unhappy in our marriage and considering leaving him.

As the connection grew, intimate desires grew and we made love to each other.  He did use porn both during and after, and I had to consciously fight negative self talk like "your boobs are saggy and aren't attractive like hers" or "you need to lose that extra 10 pounds so your tummy will be flat like hers".  I had to force myself not to retreat into a shell and cover my body with pillows or sheets to hide my imperfections.

There were several times over the weekend that I cried because I was so hurt and felt worthless.  He pushed my hand away when I was rubbing his leg working my way to his crotch, and it felt as if a sword had sliced through my heart.  The knowledge that I didn't excite him was devestating.  I made an excuse to leave the living room and broke into uncontrollable tears and did not return until I could dry my eyes.