The Anger Within

Anger raged inside me, like the ocean on a stormy day. Waiting in silence to destroy everyone in it’s path.

I was mad at Joe. I was mad at the people at the motel. I was even mad at the poor dog. I thought they were all just getting on my last nerve. The people here can wear on your last nerve, like finger nails on a chalk board. Can I have this? Can I have that? He said this and she said that.

Joe and I were having our ups and downs. More downs than ups. We really couldn’t stand being aroung each other anymore. He thought I was angry and “out of control.” I didn’t think I was. I thought he was the one “out of control.” I was no longer the quiet girl you guys knew in school. I was a raving lunatic, but I didn’t see it then.

I decided that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I was pretty sure he felt the same way (I now know he did). I had found Jesus a few years back, but wasn’t deligent in my walk with him. I began praying ” Jesus if it is your will I’ll make this work, but I’m not going to put any effort into it. I am so done.” A few days later I let Joe know that I was turning my whole life over to Jesus, not just dabbling like I had been. He began to do the same. We read and discussed Christian books together. We discussed the Bible. The next thing you know, if I was reading something I thought would help him, in his walk with Jesus, I would show him. If he was busy I would bookmark it lay and put it in the bathroom for him to read when he got a chance. He loves to read in the bathroom. Me I don’t have time. I’m in and out. We began to grow closer than we had ever been.

The day came when we decided we were living in sin. We had both been thinking it, but never spoke of it. We began to research whether, we would even be able to get married, since we had both been divorced (me twice). As we were sitting in church, repenting of our sins, I heard God “it is time”. Joe still wasn’t convinced, so we decided to talk to Pastor Hardy. After careful consideration, discussions with the elders, and prayer, he decided it was ok.

The next step, marraige counceling. The Pastor started “Joe? Why do you want to marry Karen?” “Because I want to do the right thing by God.” “But why?” I can’t help trying no to laugh. The one thing you need to know about Joe is, he analizes everything. Therefore, if you ask him a question it has to be as direct as possible. “Karen? Why are you smiling over there” “Because he loves me, but he analizes things.” The Pastor understood this well as he analizes things to. Our sessions went very well and it was coming up on the time when the Pastor had a few questions for me. Joe had talked about “the ANGRY KAREN” as he likes to call it.

A couple of days before my turn, I woke up in the middle of the night in tears. I realized, I was still angry about Carols’ violent death. As we go in to see the Pastor, he asks “what about Joe makes you angry?” I burst into tears “nothing, he’s a wonderful man and doesn’t deserve to be yelled at the way I yell at him. I’m angry because my twin sister was murdered.” “How was she murdered?” “By her boyfriend!” Pastor Hardy just listens as I talk. finally he speaks “are you angry at God, for taking her?” “No! I think she was in a situation she couldn’t get out of so he helped her.” “Now you have to forgive. You don’t have to be friends with the guy, but you have to forgive the sin. If you don’t, the anger will still control you.” “OK!” We talked a while more and he prayed for Jesus to help me forgive. That was our last session. I went home and prayed “Jesus help me forgive this horrible thing that has happened to my sister, my twin.” I began to feel peace immediately.

I still think of Carol everyday, but I am not that angry, vendictive person anymore. I don’t yell for the sake of yelling. I live in a peaceful calm, you can only know if you truly turn your life over to our Heavenly Father, God.

Joe and I have been married, seven months now and God has blessed us with a marriage like no other. He has taken that angry thing, we called a relationship, and turn it into something beautiful.

Don’t Let Anger Consume You Like I Did!