False Innocence

Virginity is usually associated with innocence. Maintaining viriginity is understood as maintaining sexual purity. Abstaining from sexual intercourse = virginity. Get it? So, I grow up hearing that sex before marriage is wrong. It's fornication. Don't do it. You'll be a sinner, etc. I get it. I was a good girl. All around. Good Danae Foreman- the straight A student, Christian, outspoken, but respectful. That was me. I don't know if you've sensed a theme yet, but what's going on here is reflection. The reflection process. When did I begin to question the reasoning behind everything? When did I transform into the not-so-good girl? And how did I become such a dang good actress? I guess I should provide you with the background information you need in order to fully understand my story. We'll skip the entire family thing because that is way too complicated, and it comes into play later. Those reasons and the big reason that I'm not sure I can handle relating it to anyone yet. To the realization that my family and the past that I've been inadvertently exposed to DOES in fact, influence me. I have been Christian, so to speak, since I was about 10. I still am. I believe strongly that there is one specific plan of salvation, one God, and that you are required to live a holy life in order to go to Heaven. I do believe all of that. Still, I am struggling with myself. I am struggling with what defines me. I am struggling with what true happiness is. Are these normal things for a 23 year old woman to struggle with? Ok, so I got sidetracked again. I'm sure you're still trying to figure out what the explanation and definition of virginity has to do with any of this. Well, here goes. I complied. I was a virgin when I got married at 18 years of age. I was pure. Sexually pure. I mean, sure, I'd had a few make-out sessions, but no sexual intercourse, not Danae Foreman. But this is what I've figured out. After being married for a year or so, I concluded that I was still a virgin. I was still sexually innocent. I had known one man, my husband. He had known one woman, me. It's not like I woke up one day and said, "You know what, today is the day to break out of this shell of sexual oppression." No, it was nothing like that. I think it all stemmed from general unhappiness. That's the most I can decipher. Unhappiness in my marriage I suppose. And, yet I made some choices that didn't give me a happy ending. I made some definitely out of character decisions. And I've managed to keep every single one of them under wraps. To everyone else, I'm still the good girl. Good 'ol Danae Foreman, happily married for 5 years. No children yet, but it's just a matter of time, they say. Graduated from college, working on achieving even higher goals, very impressive, Danae. But if they really knew...