How to Try to Bond With Your Boyfrien...

How to Try to Bond With Your Boyfriend’s Roommates

1. Plan a night where he comes over to your place watch a crappy movie with your roommates.
         Have him spend a lot of time with your roommates. When he comes over, plan a night to watch a crappy movie. Leave him alone with you roommates for five minutes. Come back with popcorn and three DVDs to find him explaining The Metamorphosis. Tell him you never knew he was into Kafka. Watch him shrug and put the movie in. Pause the movie throughout to give him the floor for his impersonations. Let the movie take over three hours because of this. Don’t mention your limited sleep experiment. One night doesn’t hurt. Spend twenty minutes picking out popcorn kernels from the carpet with Clara and then decide to let him stay the night.
Repeat once or twice a week, with some variations.

2. Leave your iPod in your pocket
         Before going out to dinner, agree to stop at his house so he can get something. Give a bright and cheery “hello” to Irish. Ignore the scowl. When your boyfriend asks you to wait downstairs, wipe pizza crumbs off the couch and sit down. Ask Irish how his day went. Don’t act offended as he walks out of the room. When Fridge walks in, smile at him and ignore his leering. Pretend you don’t hear Fridge ask your boyfriend, “If you aren’t going to hit that tonight why the hell are you going out? Dude, she can‘t just take you away from us like that.” Call up the stairs for your boyfriend to hurry up. Ignore the laughter. And the centipede crawling across the floor. Greet Pants as he walks in. But when he just grins, puts in a DVD, and joins you on the couch, move over a couple feet. When the DVD starts and he looks at you expectantly, waiting for discomfort, contemplate getting up. Decide against it. Take a deep breath. Grin and bear it. But when he points to the screen and asked if you’ve ever tried that, decide that you’ve had enough. Get up and call to your boyfriend from the stairs. Tell him you’re waiting in the car
Repeat once or twice a month, with some variations.
Increase step 1 to twice or thrice a week.

3. Think that he might just have a point.
         Listen to your boyfriend relay his friends’ complaints. You’re taking him away from us. You’re wasting his time. Ask him if he thinks it’s true. When he suggests that you watch crappy movies at his place, scrunch your face and tell him you’ve already tried that and it didn’t work. Listen to him sigh, mutter something about bonding under his breath, and then change the subject.