The Ins and Outs of it all

“You’ve got to have a good memory to be a good liar.”

“I have no idea what you’re going on about!” Simon shouted back as he slammed the front door behind him.

Before he had even got to the end of the path the door flew open again.

“Don’t you come back until you start telling me the truth Simon Jason Marsden!” To anyone that happened to just be walking past knew that he was in his Mother’s bad books by the way his full name was being used. The musky scent of his aftershave lingered in the air as he made his escape.

In all his 19 years he had never seen his Mum as angry as she was now. And all over nothing.


“I’m sick of all her stupid questions, I feel like I’m doing something wrong.”

“Why not just tell her the truth?” Phil asked as he sipped from his bottle of lager.

“I can’t, she wouldn’t be able to take it. I wouldn’t know what to say.”

“She’s stronger than you give her credit for.” He replied with a knowing look. “Ooh, I love this one!” In a flash Phil was dancing his way to the crowded dance floor.


The front door creaked open. Simon was greeted with total darkness and the smell of pork chops and cabbage from dinnertime. Creeping about, trying not to wake anyone he made his way through the darkness into the kitchen. The glow from the open fridge door shone like a beacon as he grabbed the milk from the shelf and poured it over his cornflakes.


Nothing was on television, chatshows, advertisements and news. Simon decided to eat his supper in silence. Out of the thick darkness a figure appeared.

“Have you had a good night love?”

“Wasn’t bad, ta.”

“Go anywhere nice?”

“Just into town, met some people from work.”

“Listen Simon, I’m sorry about earlier.” She whispered, hoping that he could forgive her.

“It’s okay Mum, I know you worry, but you don’t have to.” He smiled.

“I know, but you’re my little boy, you’re all I have.”

“I..I need to talk to you Mum.” Simon said pushing his bowl to one side, thinking that the moment was right.

“What is it? Girlfriend trouble?”

“Err, no, not exactly.”

“Go on, I’m all ears!” she smiled warmly.

“Where do I start? Well, ever since I was little I’ve always felt different to other boys my age. I was never interested in football or any of the sports that they were. I’ve felt this all through my life, even now I feel different to other lads my age. And it’s taken me a long time to realise, or even admit, what was different.”

“You’re not different though.”

“Let me finish please.” He begged, wanting to get it all off his chest. “As for girlfriends, I can honestly say I have never had one. I mean, I’ve had friends that are girls, but never...”

“Don’t worry, you’re young.” She said jumping to his defence. “There’s plenty of time for girls.”

“No Mum, you don’t understand.” Simon responded breaking down. “ I’m trying to tell you that I’m gay.”

“What? You can’t be. Look at you, loads of girls would love to be with you.”

“Maybe they would Mum, but I wouldn’t want to be with them, I’m attracted to men.”

Margaret wasn’t a small woman, but when she wanted to she could move. Quick as a flash she jumped out of her chair striking Simon across his right cheek.

“So all the time that you’ve been telling me that you’ve been going out with people from work you’ve actually been going out with men? What have I done to deserve this? Have I not been a good Mother?”

“It’s not you, it’s me. It’s nothing to do with whether you’re a good Mum or not, it’s just the way I am.” He said rubbing his red-hot cheek.

“How could you do this to me? What if the neighbours found out? Well, you have a choice.” Janice spat out venomously, “Either this stops now, or you move out. Your choice.”

“I can’t make that choice.” Simon cried. “It’s just the way I am, I can’t change it. Please don’t make me choose.”

“Your choice.” She repeated as she cried her way back into the darkness.


Simon was woken up early by a banging headache. No matter what side he slept on it was still pounding. He had hardly slept, playing his confession to his Mum over and over, wondering if there was something that he could have done differently, something he could have said differently. The only thing that he could come up with was maybe he could have timed it better? Maybe wait until daylight to break the news to her at least, but he just couldn’t keep it in any longer. He was living a lie.


Margaret was also up early. She couldn’t sleep. Last night’s revelation was playing on her mind. Every time she closed her eyes all she could see was Simon, her little boy, with men, doing ‘things’. It was all she could do to keep herself from crying, where did it all go so wrong? It’s unnatural, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Simon was supposed to get married to a nice girl and have a beautiful family.

“What do I say to people when they ask me about Simon?” She thought whilst chewing on her piece of cold toast. Pouring herself another cup of thick, strong tea it was still going around her head.


The stairs creaked as Simon stomped down them.


“So, are you sticking by what you said last night?”

“Mum, I said that it’s not a choice, it’s just the way I am, I can’t make a decision. Can’t I just have my some breakfast in peace? I’m starving and haven’t slept all night.”

“Oh, and I’ve had the perfect night’s sleep? Grow up Simon, stop thinking about yourself before everyone else. Have you made your decision?”

“I’m gay. I’m the same person I was before you found out that little bit of news, nothing has changed.”

“Okay. Maybe nothing has changed for you, but my world has fell apart.”

“I’m sorry Mum.” Simon wept, reaching out for her. “But I can’t change.”

Margaret jumped up and grabbed her coat from the hook behind the kitchen door.

“I’m going out, don’t be here when I get back!” She sobbed as she made her way to the front door.


“Nice place.”

“Thanks, it’s not much, but it’s home. Want a coffee Si?”

“Please, I think I need one.” He smirked. “It’s been one hell of a 24 hours.”

“Well, at least it’s out in the open now, you can start living your life.” Phil replied while he passed Simon his mug, caressing his hand at the same time.

“What do I do now?”

“Well, you do all you can at a time like this, give her some time. There’s nothing more you can do, I’m sure she’ll see sense in the end. Come on, I’ll show you our room.”


“Glad you’re in, I need to talk to someone.”

“Come in, I’ve just finished making some scones, and I can make a pot of tea.” Julia said as she stepped aside letting Margaret in.

Margaret was jealous of her sister. She had everything that she didn’t. She was still married to her husband, her house was immaculate and she had two lovely, normal , children.


“Where’s Barry?”

“Oh, he’s at the bookies, like he is every Saturday morning. Why?”

“Just wondered. I need to talk to you.” She said as she buttered herself a warm scone.

“You don’t look well, look at your eyes, they’re bloodshot to buggery. What’s going on?”

“It’s Simon.”

“Oh God, no, what’s wrong?”

“It’s a little sensitive, I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Go on girl, spit it out, it can’t be that bad.”

“He...he’s queer, last night he told me he’s gay.”

“Want that tea now love?”


Julia was a world-wise woman. She knew what was what, it’s what you get for being a nurse. Nothing surprised her anymore, she had seen it all. And she could tell that this was going to be one of those times that she would have to draw on her wealth of experience. She could be sympathetic and caring, but at the same time she called a spade a spade and if someone was not thinking straight, or was just talking rubbish, she would tell them.


“Did he just come out with it?”

“Well, yeah. Kind of. I was pushing him a bit, and we had an argument yesterday before he went out. He’s been going out a lot recently, I just wanted to know where he was going, who he was going out with, but he never gave me an answer. It was always ‘just out’ or ‘meeting some friends in town’, so naturally I got a bit suspicious. And that all led to the argument.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“I’ve no idea, I didn’t want the gory details! I just know that I don’t like it, so I gave Simon an ultimatum, either he chose that life, or he could stay at home.”

“WHAT? You told him you were kicking him out?” Julia clarified. “Why?”

“Well, because I don’t like it, it’s not normal, he should be with a nice girl, not men.”


The tears flowed freely. Simon couldn’t believe what had happened. He just wanted to have a ‘normal’ life like everyone else, and he was only going to achieve this by being himself, by admitting that he was gay.


“Here.” Phil said as he pressed a fresh tissue into Simons hand. “I’m sure she’ll get over it, it’s not the end of the world, is it?”

“I know that, but she sees things very black and white, if Mum thinks something isn’t right she’ll stand up for it, she’s stubborn.”

“We’re just going to have to hope that she sees sense then.” Phil answered as he drained his coffee mug.


“So what are you going to do? You’ve got to talk to him.”

“Why? I gave him a choice. He’s made his bed and now has to lie in it. I just want a normal family, is that too much to ask?”

“What is a normal family?” Julia asked while finishing off a scone.

“Well, yours!”

“Mine? My family is far from normal. My husband has a drink problem, Matthew treats women like dirt, jumping from one to another, and Rebecca has three children all with different fathers. You think that’s normal? You want Simon to be like them? I’d think very carefully before you start make wishes like that.”

“But you never complain.”

“Why would I complain, there’s not much I can do about it. I still love them all even if I don’t totally agree with their life choices. If you want my opinion, and you’re going to get it even if you don’t want it, I wouldn’t have a problem with a gay child. There are a lot worse things out there, and think of the money you’ll save, no grandchildren.” Julia winked at her younger sister. “Have a think about it, your lot isn’t a bad one.”


The loud ringing made Simon nearly jump out of his skin as his mobile danced across the bedside table. He decided to ignore it. He needed the rest. But it just kept ringing.

“Yes.” He didn’t even look who was calling, he was lay there with his eyes shut.

“Simon, please come home, we need to talk.”

“Is there any use? You’ve made your feelings clear.”

“I want to apologise. It was a shock. That’s all. I feel awful about what I said, what I did. Please let me explain.”

“I don’t want to argue again.”

“I promise I won’t, please come back.”


Simon didn’t know what to expect. Everything looked the same, but then he had only been away a matter of hours. The breakfast pots were still on the table. Everything was the same, life goes on.


“Si love, I’m sorry.” His Mum said as soon as he walked into the kitchen. She jumped up to kiss him, but thought better of it, unsure of what his mood was.

“I am too Mum, but it’s just the way I am.”

“I know, love, I was being selfish. I was thinking too much of what others might think rather than what really matters. I should have been thinking about you. I understand that it took a lot to come out to me, and I just spat it back in your face. I promise that it won’t happen again. I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. It might take me a while to get to grip with things, so to speak, but I am here for you, and I will be forever.”

“That means a lot Mum. I promise I won’t drop any other bombshells on you again. But can I just ask something?”

“Course you can, what is it?”

“What made you change your mind?”

“I had a word with your Auntie Julia, she talked some sense into me. So are you moving back in?”

“Yeah, I will do. I’ve just got to go and get my things from Phil’s house.”

“Phil, who’s Phil?” she asked.

“Oh, there’s something else I’ve been meaning to tell you...”