A Disastrous First Date

                                          A Disastrous First Date



    As a teenager, I'd had several dates with girls but they were the usual meetings for ice cream or going to  the park, not what I would call a formal date. When I say 'first date' I mean when you pick a girl up with your dad's car and either take them to dinner, or a movie, or both if you have lots of money.  I'm sure most of you know first impressions are very important like: dressing properly, combing your hair and washing your car, not to mention good manners.

    Once you know the girl you can be more relaxed and as she knows you, you both will not pay attention to the 'details'.  Even though I carefully planned my first date little did I know it was going to be a disaster.

    On the way to her house I already felt somewhat intimidated just knowing her father  was quite well-off.  Her home was a large colonial style with traditional shutters, a large paneled front door with a large brass knocker and a massive front yard. Our house was what you could call a cottage; very small.  My dad's car was 'well used' and by that I mean  one window was broken, the clutch chattered and the upholstery was torn in many places.

    Careful to park in the shadow of a tree in front of her house I could see her dad had a two car garage. One car was a new Packard, one of the finest.

    Naturally, her father met me at the door, looking me over like I was some sort of criminal which made me feel even more self-conscious.  Holding his daughter like she was some precious jewel, his eyes glaring at me, he said sternly,  "Don't get in late and drive carefully."

    Luckily it was getting dark so I managed to get her to my car without any remarks about the condition of my transportation.  I'd heard she was good at speaking her mind. She was not exactly a shrinking violet but somehow I liked that instead of a shy mousy type.  Though used to money she was not stuck-up and she did not put on airs.  She was also quite nice looking and wearing a tight fitting knit dress, revealing her beauty. I was therefore conscious of her full figure. Being a teenage boy I noticed these things. 

    As we drove off, the clutch chattering, she said,

    "Wow, this car is old."

    I appreciated her honesty but I was taken aback a little.  I felt like saying, "this is our 'runner,' we have a Porsche at home"  but I had second thoughts on that.

    On the way to the restaurant I already had a good feeling about her as she sat quite close to me even though we had just met.  Then I realized it was only because she was cold: the passenger window was broken.  She started to crank the window up. I tried to stop her  but it was too late.  As the crank broke off in her hand I said,

    "Throw it into the glove box, no big deal, I'll fix it later."

    Arriving at the restaurant, my brakes grabbing, I was careful to not park in their parking lot.  I would have to tip the valet.  I knew the restaurant was expensive so I was careful to put an extra five dollars in my pocket.  I was even smart enough to bring my mom's credit card.

    Careful to open the door for her, I somehow caught my finger in the jamb and wincing in pain it was all I could do to keep from cussing.  This date was not starting out so well.  Then, just  because I wouldn't tip him the headwaiter did nothing but point us to our table.  Once we sat down things went well until I saw the prices in the menu.  When told it was reasonable, I had thought maybe ten dollars would cover a complete meal but that was just for appetizers.  Thinking she might follow my suggestion I said,

    "Hmm, the hamburger steak sounds good."

    Alas, she had higher tastes as she said,

    "Well, the fillet mignon sounds better."

    Well, that was enough to ruin my appetite.  I  felt like saying, "Gosh, I'm not all that hungry, I'll just have coffee."  But that would have been too obvious.

    After ordering our meal I tried to make small talk trying to take my mind off the large bill. We were sitting together and I felt confident it was going well until I decided to fill her water glass.  Carefully pouring the water, the handle was wet and as it slipped a great deal of water splashed on her lap.  Of course  I knew that one should not try to wipe off anything on a girl's lap but not me,  I had to do something.  As I wiped off the water, my fake gold cuff link caught on her knit dress and as it flew up, most of her leg was exposed, but the more I tried to extricate myself the more exposed she was.  Now with a substantial amount of her anatomy showing, she said quite loudly,

    "You pervert!  What are you doing?"

      It's bad enough to be called a pervert but hearing the snickering from the nearby tables made my face turn three shades of red.  Finally loosening my cuff link trying to not stare at her legs,  I said weakly,

    "I'm sorry"

    To my relief she smoothed her dress down saying.

    "Just forget it."

    Now having two mishaps I thought nothing else could go bad.  I was wrong.

    The salad in front of me, I hesitated as I was about to spear a cherry tomato.  I'd heard that if you don't stick your fork precisely in the right place it could fly off like a missile, landing in someone's plate.  Nonchalantly popping it into my mouth I chopped down and a virtual explosion occurred inside my gums.  The force was so great it shot out of the side of my mouth and a jet of tomato and seeds sprayed the table.  Watching incredulously she said,

    "My God, where are you from?"

    After cleaning off the mess I managed to not knock anything down and now I was hoping for the evening to end.  We finished our meal with no further mishaps. The waiter brought the bill which I dreaded to see.  I could see it was quite large but I pretended not to notice

    Then, picking up the bill I opened my wallet and a photo fell out.  It was a photo of my old girlfriend.  Before I could pick it up she grabbed it saying,

    "Who is she?"

    Without thinking I blurted,

    "She's my cousin."  This was a mistake.

    The girl was Jamaican and I was Caucasian.

    To my relief she just said,  "sure"

    The bill turned out to be another problem.  I didn't have enough cash so I used my mom's credit card but the cashier had to call her to verify who I was.  It was a busy time of the evening so it was embarrassing to hear him say loudly on the phone,

    "Is your son Jake McCluskey?  No, he's not in trouble, I just need to know if this credit card is yours and if he is authorized to use it."

    As we finally started to leave I said,

    " Just a minute, I have to go to the boy's room."

    To my surprise she said,

    "Ditto, I have a small bladder too."

    Well, at least she was down-to-earth.

    Quickly doing my duty, going to the mirror, I carefully combed my hair and tightened my tie.  I never was good at making a knot. In the lobby I noticed people staring and I thought it had to be my unruly hair,but I just combed it. Trying to look nonchalant I took her out the door without catching my finger this time and I felt relieved the date was almost over.  Driving home was uneventful.  Even the clutch worked well and I thought nothing more could happen.  I was wrong again.

    With a hole in the muffler I had to be careful to park the car so as to not wake her family. I took her to the front door but with the porch light on it was going to be difficult to give her a kiss goodnight.  The irritating porch light was so bright it could blind a person.  I was certain her father had purposely put in a new bulb just to thwart any romantic ideas I may have. Already nervous on my first date I tried to say something as I stood closer. Then, my heart pounded as she edged over to the shadows, away from the light.  As I was inching towards her, about to kiss her, she looked down yelling loudly,

    "You pervert, your fly is open."

    So that's why the people in the lobby were staring at me.

    Being called a pervert two times in one evening was enough to ruin any boy's evening. let alone his first date.  "I had a nice evening. good night," I said weakly, fumbling with my zipper.

      I was surprised when she said,

    "Maybe we can do this again sometime."

    Even though it was a disastrous date and I didn't get a chance to kiss her, I later met her many times and three months later we were married. So be careful.

    Don't let a few mishaps ruin your first date.