Dialog at a restaurant |
Veggies – an unadorned dialog W: Waiter C: Customer M: Manager W: Welcome to Rich’s, May I take your order? C: I am a vegetarian and I watch what I eat. Are your chickens free-range? W: Free range, ma'am? Do you mean do they run around unfenced? C: No, it means they are not caged, they run around in a fenced enclosure, I am sure. W: You mean before they are killed and plucked? C: Of course, I know they are killed! Are you being impertinent? W: No, ma'am, I just never heard of the term. But I can ask. C: Well if you don’t know, then they probably aren’t. W: Well then, We do serve venison which is harvested by local hunters. C: Oh No! That would not do at all; I don’t eat animals! W: What do you call chickens, ma'am? C: That’s not what I mean! I don’t eat mammals. What kind of fish do you have? W: The second page of the menu shows our fish selection, ma'am. C: Red Snapper?! W: Why yes, ma’am, one of our most requested, it is baked in a… C: I don’t want it! W: garlic and herb sauce and… C: This fish is endangered! W: (Chuckles) Ma’am, I think our red snapper is past any more danger, it’s in the cooler. C: No, you idiot, this fish is in danger of being over-fished! W: You don’t have to get upset, ma’am, as far as I know it was only fished once, but it may have gotten off the hook and… C: You, sir, are clueless! How is the wild salmon prepared? W: Well, someone catches them too, ma'am, is that OK? C: Are you being serious? Or are you trying to insult me? W: No, ma’am, I’m just trying to take your order. C: Well then, how is the salmon prepared? W: In a nice dill cream sauce and… C: Oh no, no, no. No dairy. W: Would it be OK if it was free-range cream? C: That does it, get me the manager! W: Yes, ma’am. M: Is there a problem, ma’am? C: Yes, there is, your waiter is very rude and I am about to leave without ordering!! M: I am very sorry ma’am, I will talk to him. May I take your order? The meal is on the house. C: Well, that’s more like it. Yes, you may take my order. I would like the wild salmon without the cream sauce. M: Do you want the dill? C: Is it organic? M: No, ma’am, it is grown locally though. C: Then that won’t do. Just the salmon, please. Oh, and are any animal products used in your kitchen? I am a vegetarian. M: Animal products, ma’am? C: You know, leather, natural hair brushes, bone handled knives, that sort of thing. M: I would have to look ma’am. Is it OK if the cooks or servers wear leather belts or shoes? C: Alright, that does it I’m leaving! M: Ma’am, ma’am, please, I am not trying to offend you, I'm just confused and am trying to understand how best to make your meal as pleasant as possible. C: Ok, then, just tell the cook not to use any animal products to prepare my food. And before you go, are these napkins 100% cotton? M: Why yes, ma’am, let me unroll one for you. See, the label says 100% cotton. C: But the label certainly isn’t cotton, it is some kind of synthetic material! M: I can rip it off if you would like, ma’am. C: THAT won’t be necessary, I will use the one I carry with me. M: If you prefer, ma’am. Would you like a nice glass of wine, on the house of course, we have a very fine wine list. C: Let me see, hmmm, don’t you have any locally vinted wines? M: Not at the moment, ma’am, but we are talking with a couple of.... C: Do you not understand the amount of energy that is required to ship these wines to your establishment!? The carbon released; just so your customers can fortify themselves with this stuff!!?? M: Um, I guess I never thought about it, ma’am. We do have a couple of beers brewed by local microbreweries. C: Made with organic ingredients? M: Never mind. How about a glass of water? C: I only drink spring water from local springs, BUT, I don’t drink anything from plastic. M: Coffee? Um, no that won’t work; milk? C: NO DAIRY!! M: Oh, sorry, sorry, ma’am! Do you have any spring water with you? C: (Sigh!) Yes, yes, I guess I will have to provide that too. M: Oh, ma’am, when I bring out the salmon, it will be on a very hot plate, the cook removes the salmon from the cedar plank and…. C: Cedar plank? Of the sustainable cedar variety, I hope! M: OK, forget the cedar, we’ll bake it in a pan, a cast iron pan, is that OK? C: I suppose so. LATER M: Well, ma’am, I hope you enjoyed your salmon. C: I have to say, it was somewhat bland. M: Well we usually serve it with…. C: Never mind. I have a suggestion; if you want more customers like me you will attempt to keep in mind our wishes as they relate to sustainability and diet preferences. Do you understand! M: OH, you can be sure we will be keeping that in mind, ma’am! M to W: Change the sign outside to say no vegetarian, no non-dairy, no organic, no sustainable anything, no local wines, no spring water…can you think of anything else? W: At the end we should add ‘but good food anyway’. M: Right! |