Dear Nan - advice needed

Dear Nan,

I want you to know you’re not far from my mind
I just wish we could talk as I’m in quite a bind
My life hasn’t followed the path that I’d like
In fact at the moment I’m likely to strike

Sometimes I imagine a world without me
I imagine the adults my children would be
I know it’s unhealthy, I don’t think that I’d act
You’ll be happy to know I’m quite sane and intact

I know that there’s others and they’re worse of than me
That is something you’d say and you’d force me to see
I have both my children and somewhere to sleep
But there’s also the sadness and that makes me weep

A loved one came back but it didn’t last long
I wanted this someone and the wanting felt wrong
Not wrong in the true sense, just wrong for the time
But I’ve always believed that this person was mine.

Of course if you’d been here, you’d tell me to fight
And with you by my side, I just think that I might
But the fight has all left me, I’m here and in pain
It’s hurts like the first time – he’s left me again.

I wish I could talk to him, I try when I can
I wish I could tell him, that I had a plan
I wish I could kiss him and look in his eyes
I wish I could go back and stop the demise.

I know what you’d say, it’s the phrase we all carried
“Oh dear, it’ll be better before you’re twice married”
I think back to the times when you’ve said that to me
When I fell off my bike, or when I grazed my knee

This time I just smile but it’s hard to believe you
I shut my eyes tight and I almost can see you
This man was the one and its not just a myth
It’s always been him that I want a life with.

Much love,

M