I Loved You When

All these people in my house are driving me crazy. Their voices ring through my head, but the only one I want to hear is yours.
But you’re gone right now.
Our daughter sits on my lap, I bounce her on my knee and she giggles. I miss you. All this sighing gets me nowhere and it’s not going to bring you home. I think that if I write down what I’m feeling, it’ll help.  It’s not helping at all, but I need the escape from the faces. The pen is flying on the paper and I can’t seem to stop. I’m writing down everything that I want you to know. First off, I knew I loved you when:
You first kissed me. Standing there in front of my door, you asked me,
“Can I kiss you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
I answered simply, “because..”
You laughed and pulled me into your strong arms.
         “That’s not a reason,” you whispered softly. Your hands wrapped around my waist and drew me closer.
         “Yes, it is.” We stood there for several minutes arguing with our eyes and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I stood on my toes and kissed you. You laughed that deep booming laugh of yours that made me smile.
         “That was no kiss,” you said and dipped your head until our foreheads were touching. And very gently and subtly, you kissed me and made me fall in love with you.
I loved you when:
You introduced me to your parents. I was wearing that hot pink shirt that you loved on me. I wiped my sweaty palms on my skinny jeans and rocked back and forth in my sneakers. I couldn’t bring myself to ring the doorbell. Suddenly, the door opened and you were there smiling at me. Putting me at ease.
         “I thought I saw your car.” You pulled me into your arms and I hung a little longer than necessary. Your mom called out to you and you rolled your eyes. You stole a quick kiss and tugged me into the house. Standing in front of your parents, you said, “This is the girl I’m going to marry.”
I knew I loved you when:
You said you loved me. Sitting there on my couch watching a girly movie that I had picked out. Your arms were tightly wrapped around me as I cried. You kissed my cheek and called me a baby. You laughed as I yelled and told the guy what he was doing wrong. The movie ended and I was still crying.
         “He broke her heart,” I tried to explain. You just nodded and kissed me. “Don’t ever do that to me.”
         “I promise,” You said. “I’m going to marry you one day.” I tried to brush it off as a joke, but you wouldn’t let me. Then you shocked me with those words. “I love you.”
         “How do you know?” I asked. You smiled.
         “Because.”
I loved you when:
I saw you standing there waiting for me with tears in your eyes. The entire wait was finally coming to an end and you would finally be mine and I yours. You read to me a poem titled “Because she is”. I listened to you tell everyone why you loved me. I could barely read my vows through the tears. You promised me the world and all of eternity. Our voices shook, as we said, “‘Til death do us part.”
I loved you when:
You were hidden from me. The casket lid was closed over your beautiful face and my heart was in there with you lying beside your cold and lifeless form. He killed you! That drunk. I cried when I got the call and every day since.
I loved you when:
I was lying in our bed that first night without you, cold and alone. Then I felt you. I felt your warmth sliding in next to me and your arms wrapped around me as your lips gently brushed mine.
“I love you,” You whispered as your fingers played in my hair.  The next thing I knew, it was morning and I could hear our baby through the monitor. I opened my eyes and looked next to me. There you were sleeping and I touched you to make sure you were real. You woke up and smiled at me. I burst out crying and you held me.”It was just a dream, baby. It’s alright.”
I believed you.
They found me curled up in a ball crying out your name.