Doctor's Orders

Doctor’s Orders
By
Scott Connelly

1983

         Yesterday, I ate a large, red apple and I got a stomach-ache. Nothing seemed to cure it, so I went to this doctor who specializes on your insides. The internist said, “It boggles my mind. Maybe it’s all in your head.”
         I went to a psychiatrist and he said, “Your stomach-ache is an excuse for some bottled up emotions. You must let them out. Scream as loud and as long as you can.”
         “WHAT?!” I said.
         “Go ahead. Let it all hang out.”
         I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, but I screamed anyway. I still had my stomach-ache; now my throat was sore and I had a head-ache! I went to see a neurologist, a person who does brain surgery. He told me it might be something wrong with the bone structure. For a stomach-ache? I went to an orthopedist. What did he tell me? He listened to me describe my symptoms and said it reminded him of a rare disease WOMEN get! The gynecologist I saw started laughing…maybe something was wrong with my heart. I talked to a cardiologist and he told me to go to the eye doctor. I said, “Why?”
         He started giggling and said, “Because he might ‘see’ the problem clearly! HAW HAW!”
         It was worth a shot anyway. The ophthalmologist said, “You’ve got to be kidding. You should be ashamed of yourself. You’re acting like a BABY.”
         Reminded me of a pediatrician I knew, so I saw him, and he said, ”Child’s play. Maybe it’s only skin deep. Go see a dermatologist.”
         Swell, I have a stomach-ache, a head-ache, and a sore throat and everybody’s a comic. The dermatologist didn’t want to see me and, as I was leaving the office he yelled, “GET STUFFED!”
         Well, I wasn’t going to be taken by that statement, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to see a taxidermist…he told me, “You know what you need? An internist.”
         Talk about getting the run-around.

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