When She Needs Me

conflicted feelings when she needs me

Because though we are together
She is alone, and her loneliness
Possesses her

And because I only
Ever wanted
To be happy with her
But only make her lonelier

So already tightness twists my chest
(How easily I lose my breath)
And I walk beside her
Hope she can’t see my smile is false

And her loneliness is everything she is,
All she is
It slips her hand into mine
And smiles sadly at me

(Why is it
When she shows her heart to me
I only want to hurt her?)

And her touch
And the warmth of her hand
And the firm caress of her thumb on my palm
(Burnt toast in my mind
Firm thumbprints on the back of my throat)

Because her loneliness is pushing me
It nudges me
(Slyly, coyly, she
Manipulates me)

And so she
And so, I—
No.

My body wants
To expel these emotions from me
This disgust I’m feeling
Swirls in my stomach
Rises into my throat

But if I gag it out
She will see—
She will know—

I never hate myself as much as when
I hate her.