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I grow old thinking
of how to save my youth, as it
slips by in currents and flows
and flows and flows away
down that long long road of
deeply contemplated memories,
that highway of ideas,
that unbeaten beat up path of virtues, it
flies away and soars before me in a sky full
of plans, itineraries and schedules and lunch dates and birthdays,
And summer sunshined holidays
mocking, haunting me with an I that I once knew,
once,
and just once,
and long ago.
Long ago I dreamt of being
adult, mature and independent
I've not achieved any of that
and yet
I've grown
Grown into a skin of quickly realised boredom
whose cynicism eats me day out day in day out day in.
Grown out of those red and rosy tinted focals
whose distortion I once never questioned and
whose dust I care not to wipe off at this time at any time  Father Time
Slow down
You've forgotten to raise me, to teach me.
You forgot to hold me
And hug me close and tell me it'll be okay
Tell me how much life I have to live
How much worth I have to say.
Now I have 18gigs of photos and twitchy drunken footage
Smiling red eyed and hopeful
That the world was mine
But I never reached out and took it
I never reached out and shook it
With that furious zeal that guided me before
With that never-lasting lust for more
More of the same
More and more and more mundane
Same shit different name
Oh where could my happiness be?
It was not in Lizelle, in her deceitful and seductive snatch
It was not in Jenna, who's married now and thinks me a fool
It was not in that whore who gave me an elevator ride to heaven and back
It was not in Carin who jumped into my bed as if a pool
while her ring floated in her handbag and caused my guilt to drool
It is not at the bottom of my glass when the vodka's done
It is neither in the rising nor setting of the moon
Nor in the climax and rest of the sun
It wasn't even there when I sucked my thumb
Bubblegum.
Bubblegum.
Bubblegum.
I f I say it thrice will you appear?
If I pray it twice will you even hear?
If I call you once will a smile smear
Across that beautiful face? Between those perfect ears?
Two years, two years and still further apart.
I was a dunce to let you go
I was a dunce from the start and now I war with everything
Because of the war in my heart.