Perceived Reality

Perceived Reality

I sit alone at a table
Filled with friends and family
While stress eats at me
Like a starved beast let loose.
I talk but I don't know what it is I say...
Alas, my mind has fallen
Deep to the surging depths
Of perceived faith and hope
Gone awry.

I sift through the red sauce
And pasta on my platter,
Hoping someone notices
That it seems like I've ate.
I hold on to my thoughts
For as long as I can.
Yet they run wild, and
With nowhere to go,
They overlap and twist.

Someone says my name
But, when I lift my weary eyes
At all my loved ones sitting, laughing,
None are paying attention.
My name is said again and this time I know,
But there's something unnatural
About the strange tone.
I scan the busy restaurant
With a heavy fear growing
And see no one around.
No eyes on me.

My heart pumps blood,
Streaming like a flood through
My vast network of weak vessels,
And I am afraid.
My name is shouted, screamed with force
As if someone is sneaking behind me
With their lips against my ear.
And I wince in pain from the raging voice,
So horribly loud; tears rising with a harsh squint.
‘What?’ I scream and rise with force
Throwing my chair back, it slides across the floor.

Pasta pours red sauce across the table and
The room goes silent while
A hundred eyeballs all turn to me.
Disgusted eyes everywhere pierce my being
Like serrated knives, slicing then gashing
And my soul turns dark in shame.
I knew this day was coming...
But suddenly, without any warning,
I find myself in an even stranger situation.

I sit alone at a table
Filled with friends and family
While I sift through the red sauce
And pasta on my platter.
Everyone chats happily and I'm joining in.
Whatever just happened
Could happen again...
But I talk, despite not knowing
What it is that I say.

I try desperately to hold on to
What I know to be real.
This, I hope with all I have,
Is truly real.
My senses have failed me yet again.
I've been here before…
But this, I pray to a fierce God
Whom I do not believe
Yet fear all the same,
Must be real... Oh, please,
Allow me to know the difference!