Sorry

I tried to be what you needed me to be
because that’s what you deserved, but
I just couldn’t do it. You were gone all
the time, but it wasn’t your fault, it was
your job. The loneliness had just started
to set in and I was always my own worst
enemy. I went out for a walk one day, a
few weeks after you’d left, trying to clear
my mind of the heat from your body
coddling mine as we lay in your bed. I
could never sleep because I didn’t want
to miss a moment I had with you, but I
couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t think
of anything but running away when you
were gone. In the midst of daydreaming
away a daydream, I ran into someone.
As we stood there awkwardly, he asked
me to coffee and I didn’t say no. I thought
I would die from the rush I got, I hadn’t
had coffee in ages, I forgot how good it
tasted to be bad. You never even drank
tea anymore. He and I ran through downtown
dancing on pavements and dodging into
sideways places when the rain made an
appearance. I looked over at him and felt
in my heart the lapse I did when I was
eighteen and looked into my young
lover’s eyes for the first time. I believed
that we would never be apart but knew
deep down that everything he offered me
would never be enough. But we enjoyed
our time of running towards street lights
in the lazy summer’s midnight. It was much
like the first time I looked into your eyes.
There was such a pure sincerity that I almost
backed away right then and there because
I always knew that I would be the one who
broke your heart. But I stayed and tried to
be who you needed me to be because I
was willing to do anything to run away
from the naive girl who so foolishly loved
without hesitation. But as night fell and we
stood underneath the lamp post with our
milk shakes in hand, my favourite thing,
as if he’d known me all my life, he looked
into my eyes and saw the girl who was
begging to be saved. Begging to be shown
the world in ways that you, nor anyone
else, could show me. So when he leaned
in to kiss me, I didn’t stop him. I turned
my head and his soft lips landed on my
cheek. I held delicate fingers to his face
as I smiled and wrote my number on
his arm. When I got home that night
and called you, I told you that I couldn’t
do this anymore, but I never told you
why. So I’m writing you this letter, I’m
leaving it on your bed, because I couldn’t
be here tomorrow when you read this and
sit on the edge of the bed we’ve shared
and wonder what went wrong. Just know
this wasn’t your fault, this was mine. It
was mine for not being able to love you
in the way you deserve. Mine for running
off into the sunset with a stranger who
saw through all my walls and made me
feel whole again. No matter how hard we’ll
try, he and I will never leave. We’ll
always end up together because the strings
on his heart are the same as the strings
on mine. I’m so sorry.