Feel the Blade

I just woke up from a nap, and I was dreaming about the time I went on a hospital run when I was assigned to the West Facility. My partner was, if I remember correctly, CO Hernandez who later got a steady gig driving the van on the 1x9 tour. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Our inmate was sleeping in one of the treatment rooms and my partner and I were waiting in the ER of Elmhurst Hospital. Then 2 female CO’s came in with a young girl that was handcuffed to a stretcher. She was bloodied from head to foot. She had cuts all over her arms and legs, and her face was covered in blood as well. But even though she had blood all over her like Sissy Spacek in the movie Carrie; I could see that she was a young beautiful Spanish girl. I can remember how she had big beautiful hazel eyes and a very pretty, angelic face.
All she kept saying was, “Help me, someone please help me.”
I went over to one of the CO”s that were assigned to the inmate and asked what happened. “The crazy little bitch took a shank and cut herself up.” Was the exact response of the Officer.
When I approached the Officer the inmate reached out to me and asked over and over, “Officer, can you help me? Please help me. I need help. I need your help.” Her legs were in shackles and one hand was cuffed to the metal bar of the stretcher. With her free hand she reached out to me and was begging for help. I didn’t know what to do or say to her but my heart went out to this young girl. “The doctor is going to see you in a few minutes, so just keep it down okay.” One of the CO’s said.
I went back over to my partner as the young inmate from the Woman’s House of Detention was crying and shouting over and over again how she needed help. Something inside me wanted to go over to this young girl and comfort her. Something inside me wanted to take a warm rag and wipe away the blood from her brow, I felt so sorry for this young girl but I couldn’t reveal my emotions. I couldn’t let it show that I felt sorry for this young girl. I couldn’t express to my partner how bad I felt for this young inmate who tried to kill herself with a shank.
Finally a nurse and a doctor attended to her. They took her behind a curtain and she started screaming, “No, no, I want to die, I want to die! Let me bleed to death! Let me bleed!” I could hear the 2 female CO”s ordering the inmate to be quiet and that the doctor and nurse were there to help her, but it was clear that the young inmate no longer wanted help she just wanted out.
Suddenly this young girl who couldn’t have been more than 18 years old didn’t want help she wanted to die, and I felt even sadder and sorrier for this young girl. She started screaming very loudly, “Leave me alone, leave me alone I want to die, I want to die!” I heard the doctor say, “Let’s get her into one of the treatment rooms so I can sedate her.” So they moved her from behind the curtain and they told me and my partner to move our inmate out of the treatment room because he was finished, and we were waiting for transportation. So that’s what we did and as we were switching the inmates the girl grabbed my forearm and shouted in my face, “Let me die CO! Let me die!”
I released myself from her grip, but I really wanted to hug this beautiful young girl and say, “No, I won’t let you die. You have to live. You have to fight to live because everything will be all right; everything is going to be okay.” But I said nothing of the kind and for the whole time that we waited for transportation the whole ER listened to this young girl scream how she wanted to die. It was a heartbreaking experience and I’ll never forget it.
This must have happened about 15 years ago, but when I went home that night this is the poem I wrote.






Feel The Blade


You take the sharp knife
You cut your skin
You can’t escape the confusion
Your mind is apparently in

Are you looking for attention?
Did your mother’s love somehow fail?
Is this why you lay bleeding in your bed
Locked up in jail

Can you find the answers
That haunt your tormented mind?
When you take the knife in your hand
Is it pleasure that you find?

The lost girl
The girl with the face of an angel above
Lost in the blade of the knife
Because you never experienced love

Take the knife
Let the blood splatter on the metal bars
Lay your head back as you bleed
And fantasize about the freedom of the stars

Don't look at me like that
Because I might fall in love with you
Then I'd feel responsible
For the sad things that you do

I see you crying
But I pretend not to feel your tears
Why are you crying?
Because you've been locked up for many years

Please don't reach out to me
Because I can't take your hand
Can't you realize that I am a CO
And that I am not your loving man

Should I take off my badge?
So you could be someone I save?
Or should I turn my back on you
And let you bleed in the bed that you've made?

Blood drips to the floor
As you ask for forgiveness of your crimes
There's no way I can possibly understand
The pain that's inside your mind

I must walk away now
Because my heart bleeds for you
Just like your bleeding wounds
From the damage you do

If I could only take the pain away
From your bleeding hands
But I am unable to do that
Because of the Officer that I am

I can't get involved
I can't follow my heart
Because of the separate worlds we live in
That are so far apart

The only thing I can do is pray
To the Lord above
And hope that the feel of the blade
Is replaced by the feeling of love