Ssspths...Done...JUST PERFECT! Mmm!

How to cook a beef steak; Australian Style

If you are a young 'un, it's probably best to get mum and dad to do this. If you tend to be a bit dopey its probably best NOT to do this. Getting burnt is highly possible but whatever you do, don't burn the steak! Don't goof off around barbecues, their "brand" of discipline is uncompromising for all ages

You need to buy, beg, borrow, steal and defrost:

1 x good quality steak, be it Scotch Fillet, Porterhouse, Rump, T-bone, Blade, whatever is your personal favourite cut; it should be at room temperature.
1 x bottle of good quality olive or canola oil.
1 x jar of Vegemite. (If you don't live in Australia, you'll probably find Vegemite at your local market or specialty store, it's a very exotic and rare food so good luck. Or try this link to a shop that ships all over the world!) http://www.aussiefoodshop.com/australian_food_home.html
Garlic salt.

Cooking equipment:

1 x Barbecue, clean, oiled and hot enough to have blue smoke haze over it. This heat is a must. If your barbecue won't heat up like this, don't bother even trying...go visit someone else instead, and eat their steak; until you get a barbecue that is HOT.
1 x Barbie Mate
http://www.wiltshire-online.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=3_13_21&p... some sort of barbecue tool or even a paint scraper will do, if it has a long handle so you don't burn your fingers as much.
1 x teaspoon
1 x butter knife
1 x Barbeque tongs, long handled
1 x roll paper towel
1 x bottle or can of your favourite beer, or other beverage (Optional, it's just to enjoy while cooking, and afterwards).
And your laughing gear.

Note: Have your salad, or whatever else you are going to eat, already prepared and ON THE PLATES. Steak only takes minutes to cook properly and should be eaten immediately on removal from the barbecue, NOT in 10 minutes time when it's all gone cold and depressing.

Methodology of barbecuationist steakism

Dribble some olive or canola oil* (Edit August 2017 *I no longer recommend Canola oil. Do NOT use it at all for anything) on the hotplate. After it's sizzling, wipe the plate off with paper towel. Then re oil but not too much. Spread around the oil until its all over the place, and plate. Make sure your dog doesn't jump up on the barbecue and nick off with the steak.

As I said before, with your barbecue plate showing a nice healthy haze of blue smoke over it, hot enough that you KNOW you'd lose your tongue if you tried tasting the plate, then chuck (throw) your steak on - the barbecue, not on your tongue yet.

You only have a few seconds to do this; get a teaspoon of Vegemite and using the butter knife, spread the Vegemite over the steak liberally, coating it marinade style.

Meat tenderness depends a lot on the muscles from which it was taken; this affects the price.
How you want your steak cooked is a matter of personal preference.
I find it best to work this out by trial and error, then stick to the amount of seconds per side that work for you. Yeah yeah yeah, I know about pressing the steak and pressing your hand in different spots to estimate steak firmness and if you can do it this way, good for you. But the research is half the fun!

So you've slathered on some Vegemite, now after the time you decide, turn it over and do the other side. There should be juices coming out and plenty of sizzling noise going on. And if your taste buds aren't starting to go swimming by now, then maybe steak is not for you. That's quite ok, but, go look for a Vegetarian or Vegan recipe for Quiche.

You can shake on some Garlic salt now that both sides are sealed. That's it. Chuck it on your plate next to the garden and potato salad and it's nice to have a piece of fresh buttered bread with it too.
If you are a bachelor or bachelorette type of person, it's easy to buy one of those Wombok salads with the crunchy noodles, in a plastic bag at the supermarket produce section. They have salad dressing / Mayo or whatever it is, in a small satchel that you mix in and Bob's your uncle. Stick it on the plate along side your steak and tuck in. Something I like to have with my steak, is a generous dollop of Nando's Peri Peri chilli sauce. No, its not for everyone.
http://www.nandos.com.au/sauces-and-recipes/peri-peri-sauces

In Australia, you'll most likely cop plenty of arguments about the right way to cook a steak. But everyone would agree, its a personal thing how long you like it cooked.

Rare, Medium or Well done is up to you.

And as for this "How to" article being in the spiritual genre?
That's because when you taste a steak cooked with Vegemite on it, you'll likely ascend to a higher plane.
It's my signature in culinary excellence.

The Sparky Vegemite steak experience. Mmmm...